25 minutes

I started with two hours.

I am down to 25 minutes.  How does that happen?  Why is it when you have a couple of hours to yourself...the time goes by so fast?

Here is the deal.  I have spent about 12 years complaining because I have no time to myself.  That comes with the territory.  Being a Mom gives you absolutely no free time.  No private time.  No time what so ever. 

I complain and gripe because I can't even take a bath without someone "needing to talk".  I can't drive to the store without someone tagging along. 

And then...magically...I am given two hours to be alone.

Guess what I did...???

I cried.

I went to Target to get coffee for my sis and I.  I dropped off her latte, and cried the whole way home.  Then I decided to take a walk.  I cried there too.  Then I came home...opened the freezer to my little box of pre-portioned cookie dough...took one out...(okay fine...I took two)...and cried some more as I finished the dvr'd Bachlorette that I missed from Monday night's baseball games. 

All I have ever wanted was a little time alone.  Time to not be screaming about hanging up towels and turning off lights.  Time to not be yelling about making sure you have your gloves and grabbing your Gatorade.  Time to be quiet.  Time to enjoy the silence.

Guess what....

Silence is deafening. 

I am drowning in my own tears because I finally got my own way...and all I want is to hear someone's voice.  Preferably...the voices of my kids.

HOLY COW...did I just say that?

I did.  (Did someone spike my latte?)  I think I might miss...my kids.  (surely not???)

I realize in 25 minutes, I'll be picking them up from school and I'll be back on here typing away about how soon school should be starting and how I can't wait for them to fall asleep tonight! 

But for now...I miss them.

Gosh.  I think this motherhood gig is a joke.  One minute you are happy and loving them because they are sweet, heavenly gifts from God.  Then they learn to walk...and talk.  And we no longer like them.  We go a couple of years not liking them for destroying things in our home and for the things that come out of their sweet mouths that WE brought into this world...and then we are bawling like babies standing outside of their pre-k classrooms!  I mean...who did this to my brain?

Why can't I decide on an emotion and stick with it? Do I like them?  Do I not?  Do they make me happy?  Do they make me crazy?  Do they make me want to stick them on the corner with a sign that says FREE!!!???  Yes.  They do.

But they are mine. 

People always tell me..."you'll miss it when it is gone."

And I think to myself ...YOU ARE NUTS...(all while smiling a very polite smile and nodding in their general direction to agree with their absolutely crazy comment.)

And then I have 2 hours alone today...and I think the crazies...might be right.

I will miss this.

I'll miss the mess. 

I'll miss the chaos.

I'll miss the scheduling nightmare.

I'll miss the hand prints.

I'll miss the voices...and the fighting.

I'll miss the little hugs...and the need to be needed.

For two hours...no one has said Mom.  No one has needed anything from me.  Which is what I have longed for for so long...

And I cried because no one needed me.  (well the cookie dough needed me...clearly)

I think I might be nuts.

Now I have 15 minutes until I have to leave to get Big, Middle and Little from their last morning of school.

School's out and I get to spend time with my kids.  The ones drive me nuts.  The ones that made me this way.

Thanks boys. 

And thank you God for my blessings.  And for my two hours.  Not exactly what I thought I'd do with free time...but very productive none the less. 

Through the tears, I was able to see my very chaotic...very messy...very unorganized ...very perfect life.  It is amazing how clearly we can see through our tears.

Have a wonderful day!
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