Nana

When we first got married, Steve adopted a dog for our little family. We named her Haley and she was an amazing first family dog. She died 11 years later of cancer. She lived through our firsts together. Our first house, first child, first move, first stitches, etc. you get it. She was a member of our family. When she passed, I was heartbroken. 

I packed her things and took them to my sweet friend across the street. I gave away almost everything that reminded me of her because my heart couldn't take the sadness it brought me. I swore we'd never have another dog because I couldn't lose another one. My heart just couldn't take it.

If you've ever felt this way about something, then you know what I'm talking about. I've sworn off of about a million things in my 39 years of life and anyone who knows me-knows I'm a quitter at quitting. Basically when I quit or give up-it's temporary. Sometimes momentary depending on what I'm done with at the time.

Since January, we've been going through a family crisis. Our beloved Nana (my MIL) was diagnosed with bile duct cancer. She was given a treatment option to prolong her life with us and she took it.  The treatments were eventually stopped and hospice was started. This woman has been a part of every event that has happened since the moment we were engaged until now. She hasn't missed a birth, barely missed a game, made everything having to do with our boys a priority and we aren't quite sure how to continue life without her. Our hearts are broken.

This loss seems doubly unfair as Steve and his brother lost their Dad to MS when they were younger.

One of Nana's favorite children's books is called Love You Forever. She currently has it sitting out on a table. As I've watched over the past month, I've been able to see this book played out in real life. The boys have switched roles with the woman who took care of them all of their lives and now they are taking the best care of her. It's a blessing to see-for sure. I've watched as everyone has said  "I Love You"-I've seen the tears and exhaustion. This is by far the worst thing I've ever experienced. And I want to quit.

I want to quit the sadness and the hurt. I want to quit the tears and the exhaustion. I want to quit on God because I am so mad that he won't just fix her. If I quit loving him, then I won't have to hurt this way again. No more dogs. No more God. No more.

And then I remember her faith. This woman has the most amazing faith I've ever witnessed. She gets it. She's been where we are sitting. She's been the one left behind more than once. Yet she still talks about her Savior. She holds onto him with a grip that I can't understand, but desperately want to.

I know quitting isn't the answer. I've always known that. And I think god knows me well enough to know that I'll quit at quitting this too.  I've been listening to the Mercy Me song "Even If" for about a month. I know he sends me songs to keep me hanging on. Even when I don't want to.

There are a few things I'm grateful for in this experience. I'm so thankful for the ability to see Steve in a different light. After almost 19 years of marriage, we've seen a lot. But there is a strength that goes along with this you don't know you have until you have to. I've seen that in him. He's a blessing and he is my husband and the father of my children. For that I'm grateful.
I'm thankful for the relationships I've seen with Nana. I've had the opportunity to watch the people who love her and who she loves come and share with her their most intimate thoughts and feelings proving to us what we already know-she's an amazing soul and loved so dearly.
I'm thankful for the new perspective on what people have and will continue to go through. God doesn't open our eyes to things until he knows we are ready to see. I think about all the people I know who've done this. Who've been here. How we just continue about our busy lives-feeling sad for them, but not really getting it. You just never know what someone is going through. I've said it a million times, but now I get it. Life goes on in the middle of tragedy and we have to be able to get in the trenches with people while that happens. Not just say it-mean it.
I'm thankful for our family and friends who hold us up. You are doing a great job and we are forever grateful for all that you have done.

I told myself I'd never have a dog again because the pain was so great after the loss.

We have two dogs now.  And I love them with all of my heart.

There is love after loss if you don't quit.

God-I'm counting on you to show all of us that this is true.  My hope is in you alone.  

Please be in prayer for all of us as we spend time with her. Pray for Scott and Steve as they say goodbye to their Momma. Pray for Brett, Tanner, and Brady to see what a blessing she was in their lives for 17, 15, and 10 Years and how much she loves Jesus.  Pray for all of those who have had the opportunity to know and love her the way God intended us to do.   
Thank you-

Have a Blessed Day-
Referee of 3