Well if writing is what I do, then this really isn't doing "nothing", right? The dishwasher is washing the dishes, so I can't actually put them away until they are dry, correct? And the washer is humming along washing uniforms, so I can't really be doing anything with those until it is done, right? The kids are napping and here I sit trying to be quiet. So so so so hard for me.
I should be doing something...anything. Yet here I sit. Wondering where I should move my furniture with all the change that is about to over take my life. Wondering what I should make for dinner before we all go rushing off to different places for the evening. Wondering if Big will manage on his field trip tomorrow without us. The guilt is getting the best of me with this one. I went on a field trip with Middle last week and Big has his feelings hurt because I couldn't take off another day and Coach has a game. So neither one of us could go on his trip with him. Being 11 going on 17, you'd think he would be okay with this. But all of a sudden, this eye rolling, long legged, sweaty, freckled preteen of mine is acting like a three year old who just dropped their ice cream on the ground. Most of the time, we are embarrassing and annoying to him. We are constantly dragging him down by not allowing him to listen to inappropriate music and we are ruining his life by still insisting on a bed time and only one sleepover a weekend. But today, he decides to lay on the puppy dog eyes as he says..."really you aren't coming on our field trip? That is so not fair!" (insert giant eye roll, big huffing sigh and shaky preteen voice) I am not going to lie...it kind of broke my heart.
I still cannot go on this field trip. And chances are...he'll forget I am not there about the time that someone else's Mom steps up to the plate and he isn't embarrassed by their presence quite like he is by mine. Sometimes being a Mom is so hard though. Working to contribute to the family's income. Being depended on by so many others...and letting down one of the most important people in your life. Most days, this job is ideal for my kids. I get to be home when they are home from school. I get to be home when they get out of school. I get to be around for them and am usually the one taxi-ing them around from practice to game and then home again. But on this particular occasion...it stinks.
So what to do? Oh I'll buy him his favorite pop for his lunch and send him an extra special dessert. Not one that I made of course, because that would be embarrassing. But I will write a note on his napkin letting him know that even though I am not physically there with him, I am thinking of him and praying for him all the time. And that I am sorry.
It is okay to be sorry. It is okay to feel bad...and to be sorry. Because forgiveness is part of what brings us closer to Him.
Big needs to understand that even when we can't be with him...he is never alone.
We can't be everywhere all the time. Even if we wish we could. We just cant. God can though. As guilt has taken over my almost entire afternoon, I am reminded that God is with Big all the time. Even when we can't be. He is his child first. And God wants Big to learn something from the feelings he's having with us not going just like He wants me to learn something from the feelings I am having from not being there.
We all have those days. And although my sadness is minor in the big picture, it still makes me feel bad. Finding the strength to recover and be motivated is where I am lacking. I am going to go see if I can remember where I put it...
Have a good afternoon!
Referee of 3
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