Blech

I am going to be brutally honest in this post. Today...I hate my body.



I am a 33 year old Mother of three. This body was not designed to stretch the way that it did...leaving me looking like a road map with many markings. (stretch markings) Our dryer quit this week. Which in itself seems like it might be enough to set someone over the edge...but that is not what upset me. What upset me was that I had to get out of my adorable Pink sweat pants from Victoria Secret...that are designed to totally hide all the extra fluff that I have been wearing around lately...and put on my jeans.



That is where I lost it. My jeans...the jeans that are a size bigger than the ones I wore LAST year...were tight. I have no idea why either. I ate cheese crackers and nerds for lunch. And I drank 2 DIET Dr. Peppers. So I am not sure what happened here. I used portion control...eating only three mini boxes of nerds that doesn't even equal a normal big box...and the cheese crackers were small. Plus...I drank diet pop! Where did I go wrong?

Ugh.

Today I hate my body. But more than hating my body, I hate myself for not taking care of this body. I have been given this gift of a body...which at this point looks more like a forgotten box in the back of the UPS truck than anything...but none the less...I've been given this body as a gift. And up until now...I have been grateful. I was given a high metabolism as a teenager. I was able to eat whatever I wanted...whenever I wanted...and didn't gain a pound. However...the metabolism has slowed down a bit. So the whatever and whenever have to stop. I know this. I also know that the activity level has to increase. I have had difficulty making that one happen as any free time I have in the short 24 hours that are given to me each day...I would like to spend sitting down...or sleeping. Which ever comes first.


So...this is me...having a pity party. This is me...staring my extra fluff square in the face. This is me...feeling sorry for myself because I am too tired...or I am too emotional...or I am to much of a woman. I let Coach have it too. "You don't help me!" or "You don't believe in me enough to think I will stick it out because I always quit!" or "You don't make me feel pretty."


Bull. Bull, bull, bull.


I don't help myself. I don't believe in myself enough. I don't make myself feel pretty. As a Mother of three...I know that beauty is on the inside. I know that I am beautiful to my husband and to my children. I know that I am beautiful to my parents and to my sister and friends. Not because I am in tip top shape. Not because I have great hair or super cute clothes. Not even because my jeans fit nicely. But because I love the Lord.




I love the Lord that gave me this body. I love the Lord that allowed me to carry three wonderful children. Okay...wonderful tonight might be stretching it...remember friends...I am in a mood. But...none the less...I was able to carry them. I sat in the bathtub tonight pouting. I took the advice of my bible study this past week and was still. Completely still. And do you know what I saw when I closed my eyes?



The pictures I am about to show you.





This is me one week before I gave birth to our oldest son. And that sitting on my belly is the half of cheese cake that I had just finished. Yep. That's right. And had there been a whole one, I probably would have eaten that too.
















This is Coach and I at Christmas, just six weeks before Middle was born. No food in this picture, but I am almost positive I had eaten my fair share of Christmas goodies.
















This is me shortly before having Little. I don't know what I was thinking. It seems as if I gained the least amount of weight with this child and I don't know why I didn't go all out. The body was already a done deal by this point.

















I closed my eyes and God showed me these images. I know what he is saying too. I am exactly what He meant for me to be. I could use to some "fine tuning" (in my best southern accent) for sure. And I am sure that God wants me to be healthy. But more than anything...He has a plan for my life. A plan including three wonderful (stretching it) boys and a few stretch marks.

I don't hate my body so much anymore.

Have a good one all!
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Let Go

It has been a long week. Not in a bad way...just in a 'it has been a long week' sort of way. It is early Friday morning and I am very much looking forward to the weekend watching the boys play ball...celebrating a very special first birthday with some friends...and working on our fleece tie blankets on Sunday to be followed by a trip to the Winter Jam concert here in Wichita. I can't tell you how happy I am that it is freezing cold again so the title "Winter Jam" makes sense. (that was me being sarcastic). I am not a fan of the cold. Tuesday...the windows were open...and the warm sun was sweeping through my house. A day later...it is freezing and raining. My good mood went away as fast as the warm temperatures did! But...I have a pretty spectacular weekend lined up so we'll just go with it. David Crowder Band is coming to Winter Jam. You have no idea how excited I am to hear them. I love their music and their devotion to God. I am so looking forward to worshiping with them on Sunday evening. The very first song I added to my playlist was a David Crowder Band song. I learned of their music from the Bring the Rain blog that you can find on my blog list below. I heard it and was immediately moved by their songs. In other words...I...Can't...Wait!!!

In reading my devotion today, it talked about letting go of the kite when flying it becomes more work than fun. The author used examples of failed marriages and children growing up to turn their backs on their parents.

I am not going to lie. It scared me to death. I feel like Coach and I put more effort into the lives of our kids than we do anything else. And I do that because that is why I had them. To love them. To support them. To guide...guard...and direct them. And the author of the book is telling me that sometimes doing all that you can for your child, isn't enough. She had a son with an addiction problem. And she wrote...

"I knew I was on my last breath when I realized I was working harder for his sobriety than he was." (Ellen Miller, Inspiration for Girlfriends)

How many times in life do we do that? How many times do we work harder to find something in someone than they do themselves? And how many times must we look at our own hands to realize there are no scars there? We continually try to save lives. But God is telling us...that isn't our job. We are to love our neighbors as ourselves. Jesus said those words himself. Love your neighbor as yourself. No where in that text does it say...Save your neighbor. And loving your neighbor...spouse...child...does not mean letting it drag you all over life. It means love them no matter what. Love them in their weakness. And know that no one loves them more than God.

Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

One of my favorite David Crowder Band songs is How he loves us. I love the part in the verse that says...

He is jealous for me
His love's like a hurricane
I am the tree
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy
And all of a sudden
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me

Oh how he loves us.

He loves us more than we can understand. And He loves the kite too. If we let go of the string...He'll take care of the kite in ways that He already has planned. And you'll feel the weight lift too. I hope I can remember to do this as my boys get older...letting go seems harder than hanging on. But I know with Him...all things are possible.

Have a blessed day!
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A reason to read

Back again...but I just wanted to quickly share this post from my friend Melissa's husband, Cody Busby. Cody is the pastor at the Mulvane Baptist Church and his wife is the author of the Road to Mercy Blog. Please read this post...it is wonderful. Enjoy!


http://roadtomercy.blogspot.com/

More to come later, I am sure! Have a good one!
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A few prayers please

Some friends of ours (Justin and Shelly McClure) took their kids on a vacation to Colorado last week and Justin ended up in the Vail Hospital ICU. They posted that he has Rhabdomyolisis. Which I am not exactly sure what that means. Something about muscle breakdown entering the bloodstream. It is quite serious and when he was admitted, I believe he was in a lot of pain. The latest update from facebook is below.

Justin was moved out of ICU today. He had a better day today. His CK level is down to 92,000. They have been pumping him with tons of fluids. He is retaining a lot of fluid now. His thighs are really swelling and hard which is painful for him to move. He is still on oxygen the pulmonologist said that the bases of his lungs have collapsed from him lying in bed. He is doing his incentive spirometer to help with that. They have turned his IV fluids down and giving him a diuretic to help pull some of the fluid he is retaining. He is just really tired still. Thank you for all the prayers.

Justin is the father of 4 and is the owner of his own graphics design company JustinMcClureTV. Justin is on board to do some website and video work with the Kyrie Foundation and is the graphic designer for the Layla Grace foundation as well. He is a very talented person and has a full plate. Please join me in praying for them right now as they fight this battle in unfamiliar territory. Also, please pray for the understanding of their children. Shelly is a stay at home Mom of four young children. I am sure they are confused at what is going on right now. Thanks so much!

More to come later!
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Coincidence? I think not...

Our church service on Sunday morning was such a blessing. The message was given by one of the youth in our church who has decided to go on a mission trip to Zimbabwe AND to join the ministry. He told us of his decision to become a minister and about the journey that led him to making that decision. He is embarking on a journey this coming August to Zimbabwe, Africa in hopes that the impact of the trip and the experience itself, will have a lifelong effect with his ministry. We were blessed to hear him speak. And you could hear a pin drop in that room. He had everyone's undivided attention.

Levi talked at length about the number of times someone suggested the ministry to him for his future...and the number of times he denied the idea. He brushed it off as if the people speaking to him about it were crazy. And finally, he heard the call for himself. Sitting there listening to this young man speak, I thought, How many times has God suggested something in my life that I have completely ignored? Just because God himself wasn't telling Levi that he should be come a pastor...God was in fact speaking to him through others. Levi never truly entertained the idea until he opened his ears enough to hear what God had to say to him.

At the end of Levi's message, he spoke about his favorite verse..

Luke 5: 27-28

After this, Jesus went out and saw a tax collector by the name of Levi sitting at his tax booth. “Follow me,” Jesus said to him, 28 and Levi got up, left everything and followed him.

Later Sunday night, at Bible Study, a friend and I were trying to tell the rest of the group about the verse that came out of the message. We told Levi's story and could not for the life of us think of this verse. It was a very powerful point to the end of the message and we just wanted to share with the others how cool this calling was for him. But...we were also trying to get on with our own bible study, so we stopped looking. I was so frustrated that I couldn't remember the verse...(not quite sure how I thought I'd ever remember it though...considering I can't remember where I put my coffee 5 minutes ago)

Last night, I received a text from one of my friends in the study...

Day 2 of our weekly work...

was about the verse that we all searched to find.

Coincidence?????

I think Not.

God's timing people...totally. For whatever reason, God wanted us to find that verse in his timing. Maybe after we'd let the story sink in. Maybe after we'd given serious thought to sponsoring Levi's trip. Maybe it wasn't about Levi at all...maybe it was about our desire to leave everything to follow him. I don't know...and I am guessing God wants it that way. But in His timing...we saw the light.

LOVE IT!!!

Thank you Lord for your continual touches in my life. Thank you for giving me reason after reason to live my life for you. Thank you for reminding me that you...(not me) is in complete control of every aspect of my life. You are amazing...and I am fully and completely yours.
Amen

Have a blessed day all! And if you feel called to sponsor Levi in some way, please do. You can make your checks out to Mulvane United Methodist Church and write Levi Nord Mission Trip in the memo line. Pastor Rick will be handling the collection efforts for Levi. I know...that this kid is going to do big things in his life. He is touched by God. He is following as he is told. And I also know that I want to help him in any way that I can. If you would like to join me in this effort, please mail your checks to

Attn: Pastor Rick Just
107 S. Central
Mulvane, KS 67110

Have a blessed day!
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To Give

The other day...I was talking to a friend in my living room when I noticed a burning smell. I immediately knew what it was from. (Okay...that is a lie...even though I wrote an entire blog post about this very thing about a year ago). I checked the candle I had burning and then I checked the oven. I knew it was coming from the kitchen...it was rather strong at this point. I looked over to see this smoke coming from the dishwasher...and I finally realized what was happening. I quickly opened the door to recover half of what used to be a whole tupperware lid from the heating element at the bottom of the dishwasher.

It reminded me of the post I wrote a year ago about sometimes the issue being right under our nose. Yet we miss what is happening because we are so busy looking elsewhere to find the problem.

PR talked this past Sunday about that very thing...having to do with Mission work. Sometimes we are so busy looking for mission work outside of our community...and even outside of our Country, that we don't realize the need for our work right here at home!

I would like to admit some guilt here. I have committed myself whole heartedly to the Kyrie Foundation. It is a passion. It is something I feel God led me to (no doubt) and that I am supposed to be allowing God to lead me through that mission. But...(here comes the guilt) I am TERRIBLE at looking in our bulletin to find things that are needed of me within the church. I have been known to look all over the internet for "ways to help" with different organizations. Which is NOT a bad thing. I have even considered at Mission trip somewhere outside the safe walls of my community. But...the truth is...there are many people in need right here. And there are many opportunities...right here. I am so busy looking elsewhere to help, that I am missing the need right under my nose. The half burnt tupperware lid...that could have been salvaged had I been paying attention to where the burning was coming from.

So...I would like to challenge anyone out there who reads this....to check with your church first. See if there is a mission that you can be helping with. Our church has a monthly mission that they print in the bulletin and this months is also posted here...http://www.mulvaneumc.com/missions. If you go to Mulvane United Methodist Church, please bring your donation to JAM or any of the other services THIS Sunday. Let's change the way others see the mission work within our church.

AND...if you would like, we will be making fleece tie blankets to take to the Pediatrics Unit at St. Francis Hospital on February 27th, from 2-4 pm. We could use all the help we could get. And I promise, you'll be fulfilled.

Get involved by first getting on your knees and asking God to open your eyes to the needs...and to guide you in the direction you need to go to serve Him.

Matthew 25:40“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

Have a Blessed Day!
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Speaking to Me

Sometimes I read things and I would swear to you that God is speaking directly to me. This devotional has been such a blessing in my life. And it has given me the opportunity to look at myself over and over. Correcting things I thought were already correct. Stepping back and taking the time to dig deep into a life that I thought was on the right track. It holds me accountable and makes me think constantly about how much my life could change to benefit God.

This week's devotions have all been entitled 'When There's a Hole in your Soul'. And I am telling you...I have yet to find one that didn't effect me personally.

One was about realizing there is a hole in your soul. The kind of hole that we try to fill with things like clothing...food...alcohol (wine specifically and Guilty As Charged).

And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:19)

One was about needing to control things in your life. (only to find out that the only thing controlling you is the need to control things you can't control...What?)

Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. (Philippians 4:6)

One was about letting your job eat a hole in our soul. Are we doing something we enjoy? Or are we either bored with our job or is it too much. Are we in over our heads with something we do for a living? I have to be honest with you...I actually skipped this one to begin with because it was all about work. I stay at home...but then I realized...I am working here too. So I went back and read it and it totally applied to my life. Funny how I thought I could control what God wanted me to read...

God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another. Do you have the gift of speaking? Then speak as though God himself were speaking through you. Do you have the gift of helping others? Do it with all the strength and energy that God supplies. Then everything you do will bring glory to God through Jesus Christ. All glory and power to him forever and ever! Amen. (1 Peter 4:10-11)

And then one was about being cheated. We have all been cheated in this life. Or at least wronged in some way, shape or form. But it is the hatred that we hang onto that causes that hole to get bigger and bigger. The author wrote at the bottom of this devotion

Feeling cheated results in anger, and over time, anger turns to bitterness.
Bitterness is a poison that slowly eats a hole in your soul. Forgiveness works
as your antacid.
Ellen Miller, Inspiration for Girlfriends

I love that. Because it is so true. I have those people...and I am sure you do too. It is time to forgive and start allowing that hole to fill with love.

Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:32)

My point in telling you all of these things is this. Here I am thinking I am on the right track with God. And then I read these devotions. And I feel that twinge of pain in my heart...telling me that I am off roading a bit. Each of these devotions shared the verses that I included and that really helped me to see how He can help with all of this.

Just when I think I am making strides...I look in the mirror and am faced with the reality. The reality that I need God. Every day. Every night. Every interaction with someone. Every conversation. I need Him to be present...so that I can share His love with others that have a void to fill.

Have a Blessed Day all!
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My Funny Valentine

If at first you don't succeed...try, try again!

My loyal blog readers...you know...I am not a cake maker.

I don't know how many times I have to post that statement. I guess until I stop attempting to make cakes.

I don't even know why I do this to myself other than I feel like the boxed cake mix has defeated me. Actually, it is more the icing that defeats me.

I am not creative in the slightest. I am just not. I have great ideas in my head and then I try to put them on "canvas" and it turns out looking like something my child created.

However...today is a very special day for Middle. He is turning 9. And I decided I would show him how much I love him by making him a very special birthday cake.

Who am I kidding? I am trying to defeat the stupid cake. And Middle is the one child that won't care what the cake looks like. He'll tell me it is awesome no matter what. And that is a good thing.

Middle...he is a wonderful kid. He is my own funny Valentine. We have the words Live, Laugh, Love on the wall over their baby pictures. Middle's word is laugh. He does make us laugh daily. He is the one that pushes my button. The "big red one" that my friend told me about. He can bring out the best and the worst in me. He has the biggest heart in this entire house. He has a very giving spirit and would do anything for anyone...except Big. Big has tormented Little since he was born. Seriously. And Middle torments Little the same way. People say that is what brothers do. So we go with it. But none the less...he is very special to Coach and I.

God blessed me with the sweetest 6lb. 6oz. little boy 9 years ago. He was born at 1:19pm and he came into this world the exact way that he acts. Like a mad man. He was the best Valentine's Day present we could have asked for. I have received beautiful flowers...balloons and candy. All very fun to get...all very fun to show friends...but nothing like my Middle. He is a blessing. He is half me and half Coach for sure. There are moments when he couldn't be anything but my child...and then he'll say something like his Dad.

Cake making is not my talent. When I get to Heaven...I have a feeling God will not direct me to the nearest kitchen to show off my skills. But...I love my son. I love this child that God gave us...and today is his special day.

Happy Birthday Middle! We love you so much! You are one special kid and God knew exactly what He was doing when He gave us you.

Have a wonderful Valentine's Day all!

Referee of 3

Where is my purse?

I would like to blame my short term memory loss on having children.  It seems like...(if I can remember correctly) that I started to forget things shortly after Big was born.  I had a terrible habit of losing things.  Mainly my purse...sometimes my keys...NEVER my child (thankfully).  Coach and I would go just about anywhere and about 10 minutes away from wherever we had just left, I would say..."where is my ______?"(insert purse/keys/wallet) And my sweet, loving husband was always so patient.  (That is my own memory that I have substituted for the real ones when he would get extremely tired of turning around to go back to where we came from to help me find my missing link.)

But...the truth is...I think I have always been rather forgetful.  I have never been one that has it all together before I leave the house for anything.  I usually make about 3 to 4 trips back into the house for my cell phone, my purse, and these days...possibly a child. Little likes to test me...so I like to pretend to leave him here.  It is actually remembering I am kidding that gets me every time. 

My devotional today was about what we leave behind.  And I thought...Perfect!  I am always leaving something behind.  I'll be so good at this!  But it turns out, they meant what kind of impression are you leaving behind.  Did you help someone?  Did you make a person happy?  Did they laugh because of you?  Did they forget their problems even for a second because you were there?  Did you make an effort to fix something that was broken?  Did you pass the peace of understanding?  Did you forgive someone?  Did you share the love of Jesus? 

Or did you leave someone with a bad taste in their mouth...from your behavior...your words...your actions...your mood? 

The difference here is that we want to be intentional with what we leave behind for others to see.  I have started carrying a big purse....HUGE.  I am less likely to leave it behind because I trip over it getting up from my seat.  I love my big purse!  What I want to leave behind is the reflection of God.  And I don't ever want to forget that His reflection in me...might change someone's life.

So...what will you be leaving behind?

Have a blessed day all!
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It's FRIDAY!!! WAHOO!!!

Grateful

Frustrated is not even the word.  I am more than frustrated.  My computer has a virus...and I cannot fix it.  I am not a computer mastermind.  To be honest, I am doing good to get the dang thing turned on some days.  But...I have been able to successfully remove a virus before using our spy ware.

Not so much this time.

And I am beyond frustrated.

I read my friend Melissa's blog yesterday morning and was so inspired to write.  Then I read my friend Sarah's blog (I say friend like we're great friends...but I mean, her husband was my son's teacher last year and I respect the heck out of her for all that she's been through...and for her super faith in the Big Guy) and was even more inspired.

I came out to get my computer so I could blog...and I was greeted by about 8 pop ups about a virus.  I wanted to scream.  Wait...I did scream.  And yell.  And blamed my oldest son.  And yelled some more.  Then I sat on my bed for almost 2 hours watching the scan from our spy ware program finish and tell me that there were NO THREATS FOUND.

Beyond frustrated.

So I prayed.  I prayed that God would take the worry out of my head.  Because I immediately became worried about my programs...my documents...my pictures...and the amount of money it would cost to fix my only link to the outside world during nap time.

And you'll never guess what I pictured in my head...

The picture of a child from Uganda that I had come across while reading Melissa's blog yesterday.  Sitting on the floor of what I assumed to be the orphanage in which they live.  In dirty clothes.  Eating only one meal a day.  And a vast improvement from what they were exposed to just three years earlier.   All I could think about was that child.  I don't know if it is a boy or a girl.  I just know that sitting there on the floor in dirty clothing...probably having a better attitude about life than I did at the moment.  And we have so much!  Because we had a laptop that wasn't working, I let it affect my whole afternoon.  An afternoon when I should have been present with my family...my husband...and my God.

So...I prayed for that child.  And I prayed for Sarah and Nic.  And I prayed that God would give me the understanding to know the difference between real problems...and the small stuff.  The computer can be fixed.  

I would encourage you to scroll down to my blog list and read Sarah's Blog and Melissa's Blog from yesterday.  It just might give you some perspective on your life as it did my own.

Have a Blessed Day!
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Aughhhhhhhhhhh!

Well this is a new one for me. I am typing from my phone to let you all know that my computer has another virus. I will post later when I get things worked out!
Have a blessed day!
Referee of 3

Here we go again...

At 8:40 am yesterday  morning, I rolled over and told Coach..."there is no way I can get ready for church, but you go ahead."

That was not true.

Because less than 40 minutes later, we were all in the car going to church.  And I am so happy that I decided to go.  I was trying so hard to come up with an excuse to NOT go.  Saturday was our first experience with an MAYB tournament for Middle.  And anyone who has experienced these tournaments, knows that they make for a very long day.  We were up and out the door at 6:15 am and returned home around 4:30 pm.  We then jumped in the car to head up the YMCA for Big's game. I am not complaining.  Please don't confuse my telling you of my day for complaining.  There was no place I would rather have been than watching the boys play basketball with their friends.  It was just a very, long day. 

So when Sunday rolled around, my mind was set on sleeping in a bit...stumbling to the coffee pot...and stumbling back to bed.  But God had a different plan.  I felt it in my heart.  So we scrambled to get ready...I didn't even have time to make coffee...and out the door we went.

Now...anyone who knows Little, knows that he is sometimes hard to talk to.  It is very much on his terms when he will share something and you just have to be ready when he talks.  Which consequently is all the time. 

On our way out of church he was very carefully carrying this little square sticker thing.  He was carrying it...and looking at it intently.  (kind of frowning and scrunching up his nose)  And all of a sudden, he dropped it in a slushy pile of half snow/half mud. 

Instant tears.

I went over and picked it up and wiped it on my leggings (so glad those are back in style by the way) and looked at the tears in his eyes.  He said, "OH NO!  Now my pray for everyone sticker is all muddy!"  We assured him it would be okay and we would take care of it.  He was so upset and it made my heart swell a little with pride that he would be that upset about a sticker from Sunday School.

Little is very stubborn and strong willed.  I am reading a new parenting book and skimming through an old one right now trying to figure out what works best for him.  And it occurred to me when he was so upset about that sticker...that I am not alone in this quest to raise him and make him a good person.  Jesus is with me.  He was with Little in Sunday School yesterday and He taught Little using his teachers...that we should pray for everyone. 

And maybe...in my quest to "fix" Little...I should acquire the help of Jesus more often.  Because no one loves Little more than Jesus. 

I wonder why it takes me so long for things to click?  I know Jesus loves my children.  So why didn't I go to Him in the first place?  I don't know...but the only way for Little to learn about Jesus...is for me to include Jesus in all that we do. 

Have a blessed day!
Referee of 3

Again with the confused?

In reading this devotional this morning, I felt like I might have been reading something that I had written myself.  The author tells about how she accepted Christ into her heart when she was only 10 years old.  She came home and made the commitment that night to love Jesus forever by baptising herself in the tub. (So something my almost nine year old would consider doing)  Of course her parents made her do the "for real" baptism at church, but she thought enough to cleanse her sins the night she made such a very important promise to God.

As she became an adult, friends started to question her faith.  And she didn't have all the right answers. 

People...I have SO been there.

The book said she believed because she'd always believed and she'd always been told to believe.  So she just did.

Yep...as if I wrote the words myself.

I don't know how many times I have said to people in a heated argument about faith...

"I just believe". 

It doesn't hold up well in an argument, but I know it in my heart.  I just do.  I always just have.  I am not the kind of person that needs proof.  (However...after reading Heaven is for Real...I sure don't mind a little proof every now and again).  I just believe what the bible is telling me.  Not only that, I believe the times that Jesus has intervened on my behalf.  I believe in the miracles I have witnessed.  I believe in seeing people walk through the valley and return to the mountain top. 

"I just believe".

I was saved when I was 13 at an FCA camp.  I was in the 7th grade.  And I was moved...(I know this will surprise you) by music.  Enough to say what I know now to be translated into...

Take me now Jesus!  I am yours!  I accept you into my heart and want you present in my life!

Now don't think for a second that I haven't questioned that before.  How at 13, did I know that I wanted Jesus to be my Lord and Savior?  And why is it that if I made that choice at such an early age...did I mess up so  many times as a teenager and young adult?  Why if He was in my heart...did I fall short nearly every single day?

Oh wait....He is in my heart now...and I fall short.  20 years later...and I still love Jesus.  He lives in me.  That doesn't make me exempt from messing up.  It just means that I have to be held accountable.  Ugh. 

But I have been confused.  As PR said in church last week...sometimes we just don't get it.  And I have moments when I really don't get it at all. 

Being confused can bring us closer to God as it forces us to be more intentional about our relationship with others through Christ.  It causes us to look into the things that cause us to wonder.  We look further into the bible to find answers.  We spend more time in prayer talking to Jesus.  We make more conscious decisions based on what Jesus would want us to do. 

Being confused in our faith is a good thing.  As far as I am concerned, we'll not have all the answers until we walk through the pearly gates.  But Jesus loves us...this I know.  And that is something I've believed since I was 13.

Have a blessed day!
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Being Present

One of the things I promised myself when I started blogging for 2011 is that I wouldn't feel guilty when I didn't get to it.  I can't say that I am fulfilling that promise very well...but I didn't force myself to write anything for the past couple of days.  We had 2 snow days here in Mulvane, and I enjoyed every minute of them with our family.

Okay...that is a complete lie.

I did enjoy the couple of days...but there were moments when I would close my eyes and imagine the boys to be smiling and getting along just fine.  There are also moments when I realize that one snow day is a blessing and two is a bit too much.  In my best western voice..."This house ain't big enough for the 5 of us."

So today...we'll be back to school...Coach...Big...Middle...and even Little with preschool.  And I can have my house back.  :D

Actually, Coach and I got a lot done yesterday and I really appreciated his help.  The boys played outside for about 7.2 minutes before they decided that I was right and they were not.  It is absolutely freezing right now and NO ONE should WANT to be out in it.  Yet, my 11, 8 and 4 year old couldn't wait to get themselves out in the below freezing windchill to throw a snowball.

As I have mentioned before, I am still reading my Girfriends devotional and I am loving every minute of it.  It has told me not to whine and given me permission to be confused.  It really is true about the whining.  I am learning to look at my problems in comparison with the world.  When I take my sore muscles...or my scratchy throat and put it up against world hunger and the war in Egypt...my problems pale in comparison.  And it makes me remember that even though I might be having one of those days when things aren't quite right for me...they could always be worse.  I realize in a short amount of time that my problems aren't problems at all.  And as far as permission to be confused...when we are confused...we are saying to God that we don't have it all together.  That we need his presence in our lives.  And when we think we have it all together...and then crumble...that God knows we need His strength in that moment.  Being confused in our marriages...our jobs...our relationships...doesn't mean we need a new one...it just means that we need Him to intervene to help us strengthen the ones that we have.

Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.  For you now that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.  So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.  (James 1: 2-4)

Have a blessed day all!
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