New Year-Same Me

It is that glorious time of year when we wrap up whatever kind of year we've had and look forward to making changes in the new year to come.  We have (well some of us) expectations we hope we can meet leading to the life we've always dreamed of living. 

Instagram is a funny thing.  If you don't want to really remember the goals you've set and NOT met...don't look at your Instagram account from the past.  As much as we try to make it a highlight reel of our lives for others to ooh and ahh over...we know the truth.  I know behind the beautiful smile of my freckle-faced boy was the angry attitude of "not another picture" and "are you going to post this?"  I know the truth behind the first day of school pics where we are all scrambling to get out the door yelling unkind words to motivate everyone to the "spot" on the brick wall where we make life look easy.  Others can look back through pictures and see the image we are trying to portray.  NOT us though.  We look and we know.  We remember.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  

So every year at this time, one of my Instagram photos is a cart full of healthy groceries.  Fresh fruits and vegetables.  Water, not pop.  Organic granola.  Coconut oil, not vegetable oil.  (small changes my friends-small COMPLETELY UNREALISTIC changes)  I know when I took that photo and posted it for all of my friends to see, my intent was to drastically change my body from it's current mom-bod shape to that of a 22 year old dance instructor with no children.  Seems fairly logical, right?  

Blasphemy.  

Apparently, in order for those things to work, you have to be consistent and such.  You know...keep at it.  Add in exercise.  Drink plenty of water.  Eat no cookie dough.  

Again-blasphemy.  

So-after looking through my photos today during my personal year in review-I decided it was time to come up with a better way.  Every year, I say...New Year, New Me.  

The truth though-I have been working very hard to be what I am.  Yes...I'm a mom.  So the mom-bod is earned.  Although, I decided almost two years ago to take a more healthy approach to change my body.  So far-slowly, but surely...so good.  So no need to go buy a basket full of fresh veggies to impress my Instagram followers.    I'll buy veggies when I want to eat them.  Not because I'm trying to be something tomorrow that I am not today.  

I am also a teacher.  I love what I do.  I want to be a better teacher.  Not a different one.  Sometimes I think we focus so much on changing who we are, we forget the good parts.  Not everything I do or all that I am needs to go away.  I just need to make some "alterations" to the "me" that I am to improve what I have to offer my students.  I love them with my whole heart.  If I changed all of that, I don't know that I'd be that person for them anymore and THAT is why I became a teacher in the first place.  

I am a wife.  So many things have changed over the past five years for my husband and I.  I love him now more than I ever thought possible.  But If I became a new wife, I wouldn't be the person that knows what we've been through to get to this point.  I wouldn't remember the good, the bad, and the ugly that made me be a better person to him than I've been in the past.  I don't think he wants a new me...or a new wife, but I'll ask him just to make sure.  

I am a mom.  I love this part of my life, but let me tell you.  This is the hardest job I'll ever EVER have.  I don't want to be a new mom.  I just want to be better in some aspects of my parenting.  Who doesn't?  If you just said-I don't-we will never be friends.  Having a child move to college-break your heart leaving the place where you made them who they are-then return on Thanksgiving forgetting every rule you ever taught them about respect and consideration of others-then break your heart again leaving you again-then return at Christmas and again forget how to live appropriately under your roof (Lord child...who raised you?)-it's a tough pill to swallow.  AND IT IS ONLY THE FIRST SEMESTER OF HIS FRESHMAN YEAR.  What will become of us?  And I have to do it again in one year with Middle.  Little will never leave me because I'll smother him with love before we get to that point.  He'll have to stay with me forever.  End of story.  And if you asked them, there are times when they'd definitely want a new mom.  But I'm not going to become a new mom.  I'm just going to be better in ways that we can all live with.  (Insert cookie dough here)

I'm a writer.  I LOVE to write.  A dear friend reminded me of this just the other day and sitting down these past couple of days writing has been so refreshing for me.  I want to be better.  I want to be more intentional.  I want to do it because it is a passion.  But I don't want to change who I am or I wouldn't be typing these words today.  I might try to become something I'm not and my writing wouldn't be mine anymore.  I just want to improve some things about my writing.  Not be a brand new writer.  

I'm a Christian.  This is probably my favorite thing that I am.  And the beautiful part about being a Christian is that my God loves me no matter who I am.  No matter how many times I fall or fail.  NO matter what.  He loves me for me.  He doesn't want a new me.  He loves me where I am.  Every day.  As a Christian, I don't want to be a new me.  I want to be a better me.  Because God made me this way.  I'm his handiwork.  His bible says so.  How cool is that?  

This year...make a goal to be YOU.  You don't have to be a new person.  Be the amazing...best version of the you that you can be.  Make the changes that need to be made.  Make the improvements for the better of you and your life.  But-be you-because YOU ARE ENOUGH.  

Happy New Year!!!

Taking Down Christmas

It's been a little while since I've sat down to write anything.  I would love to make excuses for why I haven't, but the truth is simply that I haven't taken the time.  I love this time of year because it gives us the chance to reflect on the past.  We can think about what we did well, what needs improvement, and where we want to go from here.

I've been avoiding taking down Christmas for days now.  Because I'm a teacher and we have winter break, I reluctantly count down the days until we have to return to school.  Not because I don't love what I do, but because I know that the largely unrealistic plans I made for my "winter break" won't be getting done.  Part of the problem is that I set unrealistic expectations for myself.  I do this on a daily basis, but anytime I have a break from school, I make a mental list of things I'd like to finish including changing the world and getting organized.  At 41 years old, I still haven't mastered the art of being realistic.  There's a really good chance that will never happen.

Anyway-back to Christmas-for days I've told myself to just get it done.  I would promise myself a trip to Target and TJ Maxx as soon as I had my Christmas down.  To be honest, I've never liked taking down the decorations from Christmas.  Part of me knows with each item I take down and put away, that Christmas is truly over.  The most wonderful, magical, warm, cozy, time of year is over.  The music stops.  The shopping is done.  (Who am I kidding?  That never stops for me.) The beautiful evenings by the Christmas tree watching Hallmark movies...all done.  Finished.  Just thinking about it makes me sad.  But-it has to come to a close sometime.  I tell my boys that at the end of every sports season when their tear-stained faces finally come out of the locker room to give hugs to friends and family.  As hard as it is to swallow, eventually all good things come to an end.  Christmas included.

I've also decided in the last year that I despise grocery shopping.  Well...I did.  Until I changed my mindset and made it something I enjoyed.  I added a stop at Starbucks on the way to the store, found a way that best works for me and have made going to the store something I actually look forward to.  Why did I include this tidbit of information?  Stand by...

This morning when I finally rolled out of bed, I decided that I was going to change my attitude about taking down Christmas.  I pulled up my hair, washed my face, and brushed my teeth.  I put in my wireless headphones and started a podcast that had my complete and total attention.  I went to the storage room, opened the tubs where Christmas lives during the year, and faced this task with a positive mindset.  I gathered the things from upstairs one at a time.  I carefully looked at each item before laying it in my laundry basket (for carrying purposes) and thought about what it meant to me.  Pictures...candles...stockings, ornaments, etc.  One by one, I looked at my decor.  I tried to remember where it came from or why I loved it.  If I didn't love it, or it didn't mean something special, I put it in a pile to go elsewhere.  I decided that I only want my memories to be part of my Christmas decor.  This doesn't mean only sentimental items are my decorations.  Most of my decor has a story, a laugh, a "meaning" behind it.  I drank coffee, took my time, and remembered.

I took the basket downstairs and carefully put the items in their proper place.  In years past, I've thrown things around and even broken things trying to just "get done".  Not this year.  I decided I was going to take my time and do it right.  It's amazing how things go when you take your time and do them right instead of living by the motto of "done is better than perfect".  For a long time, I actually believed those words to be true.  I no longer think that way.  If you are going to do something...do it to the best of your ability.  Take pride in the little things...like taking down your Christmas.

As I ventured toward the tree, I took the ornaments off one by one. I sorted them into the boxes for each of my boys.  I held them, looked at them, even cried at the realization that Big is 19 years old.  His box is full of his memories.  Ornaments that someday I'll give him and his wife to hang on their tree.  Middle is right behind him.  He has 17 years of memories in a box.  A Nike shoe box from his childhood.  Man...my momma heart.  I was so gentle looking at his handmade ornaments and his baby series.  Ugh.  My heart.  How can a heart be so full and so sad all at the same time?  Well...this is just being a Momma.  For real.  With Little being 12 now, his box has a lot of memories as well.  I look forward to filling his box over the next few years, but I don't want to rush it.  I'm really glad I took the time to go through those memories today.  I also got to put away our elf and our Santa key for next year.  No matter how big they become, I'll always have the magic of their childhood in those two items.  Today I am thankful for the eyes to see and the time to remember.

Finally, I took down our nativity.  My beautiful nativity set is a memory I'll not soon forget.  My sweet Mother in Law gave us that set piece by piece for several Christmases in a row.  She was so excited to give it to us and I love how much meaning is behind it.  Aside from the fact that it is a visual representation of why we actually celebrate Christmas, it came from her.  It came from a woman who gave me my husband, who loved my children as her own, and who accepted me for who I am.  She is greatly missed during the holidays, but I'm so thankful I took the time to sit and carefully wrap each piece of the nativity she gave to our family.

Taking down Christmas wasn't a task to check off my list.  Well...it was when it started.  Instead, it became a morning full of something so special.  Remembering what we do, why we do it and looking forward to doing it again next year.

Bless-
Referee of 3