When I was in the fourth grade, a friend of mine had a slumber party. I was so excited to go and couldn't wait for that night. One of the items on the agenda was to watch a scary movie. It was a movie featuring the scary character Michael Myers and I was terrified. I tried so hard to sit and watch the movie. I wanted to scream and act silly with my friends, but I just kept thinking...could this really happen? This event started a stream of reoccurring nightmares for me that included a werewolf and a headless horseman. Weird, I know.
I remember calling my mom and telling her what was happening. I can't remember exactly, but I am pretty sure she came and picked me up. I think I maybe told the story that I wasn't feeling well. Probably from eating too many malted milk balls which had happened at another party, but that is a story for another day. Let's just say my inability to limit myself on sweet treats started long before now.
Anyway, this fear of scary movies continued for the next several years. At some point in my 6th grade year, I was told by someone at school that I should go see the movie Cape Fear for my birthday. Being the extremely "cool" and know it all person that I thought I was, I suggested this to my parents. Keep in mind before you begin judging them hardcore for letting me see this movie at my age, this was the time before movie trailers on social media and such. Other than the rating, they really didn't know what this movie was about. It also starred Robert Di Nero, Nick Nolte, and Jessica Lange. So I'm sure they decided it HAD to be decent.
Decent it was not.
About twenty minutes into the movie, we quickly exited the movie theater as a family due to some disturbing scenes that TO THIS DAY, I can see in my head. It became a core memory and I am really wishing I hadn't seen those things. I know that this moment in time shaped my dislike for any kind of realistic fiction that includes scary and disturbing things. I cannot watch those movies, read those books, or be exposed to those conversations without having many sleepless nights and concerned days.
As an adult, I am now aware of the things that cause me to feel this way so I choose not to expose myself to them. I want and need to be at peace. This is important to me. I surround myself with entertainment that doesn't cause me to be concerned, sad, scared, or angry. Disney movies? Yes, please.
Why should life be any different?
Lately I feel like Satan is working overtime. A certain circumstance that happened a couple of weeks ago caused me to be full of anxiety and fear. I was completely consumed by the source and kept going back to see what would be happening next, thinking I was in control of the outcome of someone else's actions. I cried. I talked to friends. I got angry. I even took my anger out on people who may or may not have anything to do with the situation.
I was trying to control something that cannot be controlled. I finally began to pray about what was causing me to feel so anxious and out of control and it finally occurred to me that I was allowing this to happen by exposing myself to something I know brought me pain, sadness, and anxiety.
When this became clear to me, I decided to treat this situation like I did those scary movies from my past.
I limited my exposure.
And more than that, I expanded my exposure to my bible app, my bible, prayerful conversations with God, and changed the culture of the time I spent with people I love. I repeated "Get Behind Me Satan" over and over until I could feel him move out of the way.
The truth is that someone told me long ago that conflict with people or difficult situations stand directly in the way of your path to God. Hate, dislike, distrust, misunderstanding, etc.,...they are simply obstacles in the path. I have to find a way to give up that desire to "fix" and "control" these things and let God work to move them from my path.
When I was a kid, I wanted to fit in so badly that I kept trying to give scary movies a try. Every time, I had the same result. I was scared and unsettled for days on end. Finally, I decided that scary movies weren't for me and I haven't looked back.
Some of my best friends love scary movies. They watch documentaries that would keep me up at night. They read books that my brain simply can't handle. But...that is what works for them. And I can respect that. We don't all have the same opinions about scary movies, people, or life circumstances. And that is okay.
I used to think that everyone should hate scary movies because of the way they affected me. But the truth is, that is a "me" thing and I have to respect that my circumstance isn't that of everyone else. My perspective isn't the same as others and that is okay.
Perhaps you need to limit your exposure to something to give you peace?
Food for thought.
Hugs,
Amy
