Confession

I have a confession to make.

I cried on the way to class tonight. 

I know what you are thinking?

You?  Cry???  Noooooo...surely not.

I know...I know.  How can someone who has it so completely together get emotional when nothing is really wrong?

Well first of all...I am nowhere near together.  To be honest with you, I don't even know what is clean and dirty in this house anymore.  If I could find my counter tops in the kitchen, I'd wipe them down.  If I knew when the laundry was last shifted from the washer to the dryer, I might fluff them again...just to make myself feel better.  I love to load the dishwasher and run it.  But I couldn't tell you at what point I did that this week.  I just know that the dishwasher is full of clean dishes.  We just pull from it instead of unloading it like we used to.  I mean...who has time?  Certainly not me. 

So...I cried on the way to class.  Why you ask?  Well because.  I am overwhelmed and so confused.  I gave up college 12 years ago because I had a baby.  I sacrificed my education for that child.  I gave it all up for the little guy who captured my heart when I was just 21 years old.  And here I am...12 years later...sacrificing my kids for my education.  I've gone back to college.  Several things contribute to the fact that I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. 

1.  I am working outside the home for the first time since Middle was born.  Almost ten years ago.

2.  My children are growing faster than I can keep up.  I was talking to Big last night and he is almost eye level.  Almost.  I am short...but really? 
3.  I am back in college.  I am a student.  I was never a very good student.  And here I am...a grown adult, trying to be a student again.  I am still not great, but it means more to me now than it did then. 
4.  We are out of cookie dough.  I repeat.  We are OUT of cookie dough. 

You see?  So many things are weighing on me right now.  I had to go to class tonight.  The absolute LAST place I wanted to be.  It is cold.  My house is...well...my house.  It is crazy and messy.  It is sort of decorated...I think.  The laundry is piled high.  And Coach was coaching.  So my Big had to watch my Middle and my Little while I left them to go to college.  Do you see why this made me cry? 

All I've done for the past 12 years is be a Mom.  And I was quite fine with doing just that.  Then all of a sudden, my children started growing and I realized...I will always be a Mom.  But I have to be something more than that.  I need to do this for myself.  Do you see that?  For mySELF.  I feel selfish.  I walked out the door tonight leaving all of the things that mean the most to me behind...and went to school. 

Overwhelmed and emotional...I cried.

And then...I had a great night at class.  Two and a half hours later, here I sit.  Back in my house.  My kids are fine.  Coach is home.  I found my counters...picked up the living room and am having a bit of a peppermint mocha before bed.  All that worry and all those tears for nothing. 

If only I would have given it to Him.  So quickly I forget that He is taking on my problems.  Maybe I'll remember tomorrow.  And maybe...tomorrow...I'll go buy more cookie dough.  A back up plan never hurts people. 

Referee of 3