A dare, a detox, a dance and many, many games of basketball.

The many, many games of basketball
9am
11am
11am
2pm
4pm
6pm
6:30pm

That is our basketball schedule for tomorrow.  I have no idea when or where we'll be playing on Sunday.  This is simply the times I've been given for my next 24 hours.

Thank goodness my parents have offered their services for Little.  The poor child was in the womb at tryouts six years ago, and has been in almost every gym this side of Kansas since then.  Bless his little heart.
Don't get me wrong...I love watching the boys play basketball.  They love it and Coach does too.  But for me...a little goes a long way.  Basketball makes me anxious and a tad bit crazy.  I get a little wound up and end up yelling something when I most likely don't even know what is going on.  And this my friends...is me when I have had my pop.

The detox
It has been two days since I've had my friend Diet Pepsi.  I miss it.  Terribly.  But...I will continue on with my detox.  I have got this.  And I am hoping to find clarity and meaning in my time away from my fizzy friend.  No...in all seriousness, I am reminded of the sacrifice that Jesus made for us.  This time of year always brings me back to the meaning...the true meaning of God's unending love for me.  Crazy, unorganized, me.  I am so blessed. 

The dance

Oh heaven help me.  Big is going to a dance.  His first dance ever.  I am overwhelmed.  I am so excited for him.  And I have been officially UNinvited.  I told him I would come.  I told him I could show him a few moves.  I told him I would sit quietly and just "watch".  He said no.  I am heartbroken.  How could this happen?  How did my sweet little Bubba grow up and decide to not only attend a dance, but not want his Mom there?

I get it. 

My first dance was awesome.  I remember exactly what I wore...what we danced to...and how fun it was to party like a rockstar at the ripe age of 13.  My first dance was followed by a drama filled sleepover with friends and prank phone calls to boys who had danced with us. 

He cannot be ready for this.  Surely he isn't...right?

And all of this with NO DIET PEPSI.

¹ “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God^[a]; believe also in me. "
John 14:1

There is always something calming in the word.  My family is going to be burning the candle at both ends this weekend...and my Big is going to a dance.  When I say "Lord, HELP me!"  I mean it.  This is what I said this morning...and this is the verse that came to me. 

The dare
There have been a lot of relationship "issues" if you will, surrounding us.  Sometimes, when things fall apart around us, we tend to feel vulnerable in our own relationships.  We begin to trust less and assume the worst more.  We are quick to anger and slow to forgive.  In realizing this after a conversation with a friend, I suggested she take this challenge.  If you haven't read the love dare book, you need to.  If you are in a committed relationship and are looking for a way to add to your time with God, this book is for you.  A good friend of mine and I spoke this morning about this very thing.  Relationships...even the strongest of them...need strengthening from time to time.  And this book will do just that.  I told my friend that sometimes the most amazing transformations occur in ourselves when we selflessly do things for others. 

So if you choose, accept this dare and strengthen your marriage or your relationship by bettering yourself.

Okay...that is all.  Have a super duper fabulous Friday!
Referee of 3

The Good Life

The good life.

How would you define it?

What would it look like?

How would you react to it if you had it?

What if you do have it?

What if you are too busy to realize...what you have is truly...good?

What if you are too wrapped up in other people to realize how good you have it?

What if you are so concerned with what you wish you had, that you miss the opportunity to recognize the good in what you do have?

For lent, I have decided to give up pop.  I want to do this for two reasons.  One, I know it will be difficult.  I know in that difficulty, I'll need to look to God.  Two...because I have become rather dependant upon my daily 32 oz. diet soda.

Does that sound silly?  Maybe.  Needing to look to God for strength when you want a pop?  Well it isn't just about the pop.  It is about thinking I am dependant upon something when really, I need to know that I am strong enough at any point to say...I don't need a pop.  And knowing that in life...when facing a "real" issue...that I am strong enough at any point to say...I am weak Lord...and I need you.

I also want to use this time to grow closer to God.  I need to strengthen my relationship with Christ.  Big time.  I need to know that He is God and I am not.  I need to believe that the plan He has for me is already there...and I am simply walking it according to His plan.  I need to appreciate my life.  I need to recognize my blessings...successes...and failures...as purposeful steps in this life. 

The good life.

I am blessed.  And I need to open my eyes to the blessings that have always been here.

This house...and all the stuff in it.

This family...and all the schedules that drive it.

This person...and all the quirks that make me...me.

This is the good life.  I am living it and recognizing right now...that I need Jesus...and a diet Pepsi.
Ugh.

Have a blessed day!
Referee of 3

Worry-sickness

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
Philippians 4:6
Do not be anxious.

Do not be anxious.

Do not be anxious.

The other day, I had to buy ice cream for my son's valentine's day party.  Our head room Mom is one that never misses a beat.  No detail gets left out.  She is scheduled, ready, and excited about the parties in our school.  I...am...exactly the opposite.

I am good if I remember the napkins that I have been put in charge of, the day of the party.  And she is so good, that she has napkins...just in case.

Anyway, I was put in charge of the ice cream for the banana splits.  That's right.  You heard right.  She planned banana splits for the kids.  And she left the most important ingredient to me.

I had friends sending text reminders and I made myself a note for my desk.  I highlighted it in orange so I wouldn't miss it.

I clocked out and headed for the store to get ice cream...and pretzels.  But the ice cream was obviously the main purpose of my trip.

As I walked to the van, I repeated...

Ice cream...ice cream...ice cream.  I walked and thought about nothing other than the ice cream.  So much that when I got to the store, my head was fuzzy.  Ice cream was all I could think about.  I got it.  I paid for it.  And I left. 

As soon as I got back to work, I was beaming with pride.  I REMEMBERED THE ICE CREAM!  No children would go without sundaes because of me!  This was huge.  However...I forgot the pretzels. 

Dang it.

Remembering the ice cream...or actually, the thought of forgetting, made me quite anxious.  There are so many things happening in our lives that I am anxious more than I am not.  And most generally, I am not an anxious person.

I worry about basketball practices and pitching lessons.  Baseball money deadlines and homework due dates.  I worry about the grades of my kids and the fence at the baseball field.  I worry about dinner and lunch money.  I worry about taking this test for my degree and paying off my student loans.  I worry about taxes and ironing.  I worry about the five hundred sugar cookies I have consumed in the last 48 hours and how that will affect my hardworking Zumba practicing! I worry about my children's health and generic prescriptions...and co pays. 

I am anxious.  And the Lord says NO.

Do not be anxious in anything.  ANYTHING?  Anything.  But in everything...present your requests to God.

Lord...quiet my heart.  Calm my brain.  Relax my body.  Get rid of the sugar cookies. 

Be still...and know that I am God. 

Okay...I will.  I have no other choice, but to be obedient. 

Do not be anxious.  Do not be anxious.  Do not be anxious.

I remembered the ice cream...maybe I can remember that God has this.

Have a blessed day!
Referee of 3

Happy Birthday Middle!

When I brought Middle home from the hospital, I was in love.  I was in love with the fact that I had a new baby.  I was in love with the fact that I could say the term "my boys" in reference to my children.  I was in love with his beautiful eyes and his sweet chubby cheeks.  And I was in love with the fact that Big was a Big Brother!

Big was not as in love with being a Big Brother.

On the first day that Coach returned to work after Middle was born, I thought to myself...I've got this. 

I was holding my beautiful valentine and sitting on Big's bed.  Big was playing with his toys and he had taken off one of his shoes.  He turned to me and said what I thought to be...

I don't hate Middle.

Tearing up and loving that my Big loved my Middle as much as I did, I held out my sweet Middle for Big to see him better.

About that time, Big hit Middle in the head with his shoe.

STUNNED...I screamed.  I held Middle and said..."BIG!  Why did you do that?"

Apparently what he actually said was...

I'm gonna hit Middle.  Not I don't hate Middle.

New Moms with little or no sleep tend to hear things the way they want to.  Clearly, I wanted Big to love Middle.

Even more clearly...he did not.  I am SUCH a good Mom. 
Immediately I called Coach and told him to take another five weeks off so we could figure out how to parent two children at one time. 

A year later, nothing had changed.

Middle has brought so much joy to our lives.  And I think given the opportunity, even Big would admit that.  So...in honor of Middle's special 10th Birthday, I decided to do a top 10 reasons of why we love Middle.

These pictures are all scanned in so please don't count me off for bad photography.  Middle was pre-digital cameras.

1.  Middle was the only child we actually planned.  For that, we love him.

2.  Middle is a risk taker.  He has been since birth.  His delivery nurse would vouch for this. 

3.  Middle has always been a sharp dressed man.

4.  Middle's cheeks make me smile.  He got the best of both of us.  We LOVE his cheeks.

5.  Middle has always been very expressive with his emotions.

6.  This shirt needed to be purchased in every size from 2T to 19years of age.  Too bad they only had 2T.  His attitude is larger than life. He gets that from me. 

7.  Middle is our peace maker.  He doesn't stay angry long...and you can't stay angry with him either.  Look at those eyes!

8.  Middle's laugh is contagious.  He makes us all giggle in the most awkward of times.  He has since he could talk.  I used to laugh when he talked.  Then he started sentences with "My Mom SAYS...".  I stopped laughing.

9.  Middle has one of the most compassionate hearts I know.  He is giving and loving...and he never asks why.  He just does.  I LOVE this about him.

10.  Middle is a Momma's boy.  He and I are connected in a way no one understands.  He inherited the nervous laugh.  His nose scrunches when he laughs and his eyes squint when he smiles.  He loves to sing and he dances in the shower.  He is my love.  He is my sweet valentine and I adore him.

Happy Birthday Middle!  We love you so so so much!

Referee of 3

Assessing the situation

There are moments in life when we are doubted.  By ourselves and by others.  And it is in those moments we define whether we can or we can't.

This is completely up to us.

I just read an article for school that is basically about how our assessments in school are outdated and narrow minded in comparison to what our children have to face in the world today.  The author of the article writes about how she got a C in her freshman year intro. to psychology class.  Her instructor told her in so many words that she wouldn't amount to anything in the psychology world. 

She is now the president of the American Psychological Association. 

Her moment was a little longer than a moment as she changed to major in math.  It was when she failed math that she decided a C in psychology was better than an F in math. 

I had a similar story involving music education and business. 

I can't read music.  Music has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember.  I sing, I play, and I love music.  I can't read a note of it though.  Well...that is a lie.  I can find the notes on the scale, I think.  It is how the scale relates to the sounds that I don't understand.  It is very complicated to explain.  However, I can hear a song and play it on the piano with some practice.  I hear music.  And it moves my soul.  I love to sing.  But was told that I wouldn't amount to anything and that I couldn't teach music if I couldn't read it. 

Okay...I get that.  I guess I wouldn't be able to teach french either.  I don't know french.  But music moves my soul.  French does not.  Unless of course you are talking about a french fry.  That is quite different.

In being told I wouldn't be a good teacher, I changed my major to business. 

Holy smokes.  Do you know me?  I think you probably have a good idea of who I am.  I barely passed accounting.  I failed macro-economics and am pretty sure I have nightmares about my teacher in that class.  Others in my class were so engaged by his lectures.  I was a lost soul.  It didn't take long for me to figure out that teaching was a better avenue for me than business.

(Big enters stage left)

And then I had a baby.  And all bets were off.

The article is about assessing the creativity and wisdom of students rather that the memorization of facts that can be rehearsed and spit back out onto standardized tests.

I never did well with those tests.  I am a think outside the box kind of person.  I am also a french fry and chocolate milkshake kind of person.  Does that make me not smart?  Nope.  What this thinking does is help students define who they are through their strengths and it helps teachers teach to their weakness using creativity, practicality, and wisdom. 

Anyway...for those who have been told you can't.  It is up to you whether you can or you can't.  He knows what you are capable of and it is up to you to follow the path set before you.

I am proof that the path is not straight...nor is it something you can see the distance.  You walk blindly, led by faith.

And you just keep going...taking the next step and knowing that you'll prosper in the plan He has for you.  Not the plan others feel compelled to share with you based on their observations of your life.

In the wise words from the voice in Field of Dreams...

Go the distance.

Have a blessed day!
Referee of 3

Thirty-four

When I was in my awkward teenage years, I looked to magazines for help in my most trying times.  Like...what to say on a first date.  Or how to get rid of those pesky breakouts.  Or my personal favorites, how to get your bikini body ready for summer.  I read those and did crunches like they were going out of style.  I had no idea that my bikini ready body would turn into mush at the ripe age of 21.  (Thank you very much Big)

I also had no clue that my hormones would be worse as a thirty-four year old than they ever were at seventeen.  I had no idea that my "breakout" of one pimple was minimal compared to the monthly greetings of my adult acne.  I didn't realize that my prom dress would later in life fit only one leg of my body on a day when I wasn't retaining fluids.  I didn't know that dieting would be a waste of time as an adult.  The joys of losing three pounds as a teenager don't compare to the frustration of wondering if it is simply water weight or the fact that you really did gain three pounds from last nights dinner.  I have had it with all of these issues that we have as women.

The weight.
The skin.
The clothes.  Oh the clothes.  I try so very hard to stay up with the times.  I wear boots and scarves.  I tried tucking my jeans into my boots only to feel as though my legs looked scarily similar to that of a chicken leg from KFC.  Skinny at the bottom and bulging at the top.  No...this look isn't for everyone.  I tried skinny jeans.  They look cute with a long (LONG) sweater.  But the jeans are so low that my choices are either to remain standing and breathe, or sit down and hold my breath praying the button doesn't blow off and ping my family in the head. 
The hormones.
The makeup.
The shoes.

If there were a magazine for 34 year olds...I'd write them.  And this is what I would say.

Dear thirty-four,
Please help me.  I am a mid thirties mom of three boys.  Once a month I can't button my pants or go without make up.  I am tired of trying to look cute, sacrificing my health and comfort.  I am working out and dieting like no other when all I really want to do is sit down with a cup of coffee FILLED with creamer and read a book.  I am in desperate need of cookie dough as I haven't had any since 2011.  I am in need of a stylist, chef, personal trainer, skin consultant, house cleaner, and some hormone therapy.  Also, if you could please tell Health Magazine and Ladies Home Journal to quit sending magazines to my house, I would appreciate it.  I can't do the exercises and the recipes are outlandishly hard.  I have no idea what to do with fake flowers and I am not sure my house is even "in style" as I still have a few partylite candle holders strewn about.
Thanks so much!
Referee of 3

p.s.-A magical stretch mark remover would also be very helpful as my tankini can only do so much.

And we thought the teenage years were awkward.
Off to basketball games in Mom jeans.  Much love to you all.
Referee of 3

Hold on

Today I held on just a little tighter to my sick little boy.

I held on just a little longer when my Big was leaving for school.

I held on as much as I could when my Middle was getting ready to walk out the door.

I just wanted to hold on.

Sad things are happening all around us.  And I just want to hold on to all of them.  If I just sit here and hold on to them...nothing bad will happen.  Right?

I don't have to fear cancer.  I don't have to fear accidents.  I don't have to fear heart break and loss.  I can just sit here in my living room and hold on.

Watching sweet little Paxten's video brought me to tears.  But more than that...it brought me to a place where I fear reality.  The reality that says...anything can happen at anytime.

I know this.  But in my normalcy...I like to pretend that bad things don't happen.

And then...they do.

Momma's lose their babies...and it scares me to death.

In talking with my Mom this morning, I was reminded that I cannot fear.  I don't have to.  I have the encouragement and the faith in the plan that God has for all of our lives.

I then stumbled across a piece written by Paxten's parents. 

From Blake and Libby: (reposted)
Our hearts are filled with so much sorrow for the loss of our sweet child, but we do not grieve as those who have no hope. We know that God ordains the time we are to spend here on earth and Paxten fulfilled that time and purpose He chose for her. We also know that even though she was not healed here on earth it doesn't mean God doesn't answer our prayers. Sometimes his answer is yes, sometimes it is no and sometimes it is not yet. He chose for her complete healing to take place in heaven and for that we rejoice. We have the hope of eternal life in Christ through the sacrifice he made for us on the cross and we have the hope of being reunited with our precious baby girl again.

We felt it was our job to share her journey and her life with the world, and we know God used it for his glory and in furthering his kingdom. Thank you to each of you for being with us through the good times and bad, through the smiles and tears. We love each and every one of you and hope that you will join us in celebrating Paxtens beautiful life with us.

My four year old niece summed it up perfectly. As my sister and friend were crying, London and Taryn asked them why they were crying and they said they were sad that Paxten died. Then London said "mommy, Paxtens all better, she's with Jesus. Shouldn't we be happy?!"

I am simply amazed by His presence in their darkest hour.  I shouldn't be.  Just like I shouldn't be scared.

But I am.  I am amazed and scared and humbled and saddened.  I am overwhelmed. 

And all I want to do is hold on.

To my husband.
To my kids.
To my faith.
To my God.

Because holding on is my only option.  We all have the option to hold on to our faith in these times.  I am holding on for understanding. 

Have a blessed day!
Referee of 3