Thirty-four

When I was in my awkward teenage years, I looked to magazines for help in my most trying times.  Like...what to say on a first date.  Or how to get rid of those pesky breakouts.  Or my personal favorites, how to get your bikini body ready for summer.  I read those and did crunches like they were going out of style.  I had no idea that my bikini ready body would turn into mush at the ripe age of 21.  (Thank you very much Big)

I also had no clue that my hormones would be worse as a thirty-four year old than they ever were at seventeen.  I had no idea that my "breakout" of one pimple was minimal compared to the monthly greetings of my adult acne.  I didn't realize that my prom dress would later in life fit only one leg of my body on a day when I wasn't retaining fluids.  I didn't know that dieting would be a waste of time as an adult.  The joys of losing three pounds as a teenager don't compare to the frustration of wondering if it is simply water weight or the fact that you really did gain three pounds from last nights dinner.  I have had it with all of these issues that we have as women.

The weight.
The skin.
The clothes.  Oh the clothes.  I try so very hard to stay up with the times.  I wear boots and scarves.  I tried tucking my jeans into my boots only to feel as though my legs looked scarily similar to that of a chicken leg from KFC.  Skinny at the bottom and bulging at the top.  No...this look isn't for everyone.  I tried skinny jeans.  They look cute with a long (LONG) sweater.  But the jeans are so low that my choices are either to remain standing and breathe, or sit down and hold my breath praying the button doesn't blow off and ping my family in the head. 
The hormones.
The makeup.
The shoes.

If there were a magazine for 34 year olds...I'd write them.  And this is what I would say.

Dear thirty-four,
Please help me.  I am a mid thirties mom of three boys.  Once a month I can't button my pants or go without make up.  I am tired of trying to look cute, sacrificing my health and comfort.  I am working out and dieting like no other when all I really want to do is sit down with a cup of coffee FILLED with creamer and read a book.  I am in desperate need of cookie dough as I haven't had any since 2011.  I am in need of a stylist, chef, personal trainer, skin consultant, house cleaner, and some hormone therapy.  Also, if you could please tell Health Magazine and Ladies Home Journal to quit sending magazines to my house, I would appreciate it.  I can't do the exercises and the recipes are outlandishly hard.  I have no idea what to do with fake flowers and I am not sure my house is even "in style" as I still have a few partylite candle holders strewn about.
Thanks so much!
Referee of 3

p.s.-A magical stretch mark remover would also be very helpful as my tankini can only do so much.

And we thought the teenage years were awkward.
Off to basketball games in Mom jeans.  Much love to you all.
Referee of 3