Hold on

Today I held on just a little tighter to my sick little boy.

I held on just a little longer when my Big was leaving for school.

I held on as much as I could when my Middle was getting ready to walk out the door.

I just wanted to hold on.

Sad things are happening all around us.  And I just want to hold on to all of them.  If I just sit here and hold on to them...nothing bad will happen.  Right?

I don't have to fear cancer.  I don't have to fear accidents.  I don't have to fear heart break and loss.  I can just sit here in my living room and hold on.

Watching sweet little Paxten's video brought me to tears.  But more than that...it brought me to a place where I fear reality.  The reality that says...anything can happen at anytime.

I know this.  But in my normalcy...I like to pretend that bad things don't happen.

And then...they do.

Momma's lose their babies...and it scares me to death.

In talking with my Mom this morning, I was reminded that I cannot fear.  I don't have to.  I have the encouragement and the faith in the plan that God has for all of our lives.

I then stumbled across a piece written by Paxten's parents. 

From Blake and Libby: (reposted)
Our hearts are filled with so much sorrow for the loss of our sweet child, but we do not grieve as those who have no hope. We know that God ordains the time we are to spend here on earth and Paxten fulfilled that time and purpose He chose for her. We also know that even though she was not healed here on earth it doesn't mean God doesn't answer our prayers. Sometimes his answer is yes, sometimes it is no and sometimes it is not yet. He chose for her complete healing to take place in heaven and for that we rejoice. We have the hope of eternal life in Christ through the sacrifice he made for us on the cross and we have the hope of being reunited with our precious baby girl again.

We felt it was our job to share her journey and her life with the world, and we know God used it for his glory and in furthering his kingdom. Thank you to each of you for being with us through the good times and bad, through the smiles and tears. We love each and every one of you and hope that you will join us in celebrating Paxtens beautiful life with us.

My four year old niece summed it up perfectly. As my sister and friend were crying, London and Taryn asked them why they were crying and they said they were sad that Paxten died. Then London said "mommy, Paxtens all better, she's with Jesus. Shouldn't we be happy?!"

I am simply amazed by His presence in their darkest hour.  I shouldn't be.  Just like I shouldn't be scared.

But I am.  I am amazed and scared and humbled and saddened.  I am overwhelmed. 

And all I want to do is hold on.

To my husband.
To my kids.
To my faith.
To my God.

Because holding on is my only option.  We all have the option to hold on to our faith in these times.  I am holding on for understanding. 

Have a blessed day!
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