Take It Off

She was afraid to come out of the locker...

She was as nervous as she could be

She was afraid to come out of the locker...

She was afraid that somebody would see..

2,3,4...stick around I'll tell you more

No...it wasn't a yellow polka dotted bikini.  Believe it or not, they were black bikini bottoms.  Full front.  Black.  Nothing fancy.  Just black.  And there they were...underneath my new black board shorts that I bought to save myself from the embarrassment of having to wear yet another black skirted tankini. 

I  hate my tankini.  I don't think I look cute in it.  I don't like the concept of a skirt on a bathing suit.  But...they look so much better than my actual legs so I have done it for several years now.  Proudly, I sport my tankini top and my skirted bottom.  This year, I decided to get out of my box.  So I purchased a pair of black bikini bottoms and some board shorts to wear over them.

Here I sat at the public pool with my black top and my board shorts.  I looked around at all the Mommies in their suits.  Not very many women cover up their battle scars the way I do.  In fact, some women hardly cover anything at all.  And let me say that I am not judging...because I am not.  I wish I had the confidence to say...WHO CARES! to the world...or to the public at the pool. Instead, I sit in my chair like a nervous teenager about to show off her new bathing suit.  Only I am far from a teenager and I am more embarrassed about the stretch marks than I am about the actual suit.  You know...what the suit looked like went out the door a long time ago.  Now, I buy for coverage.  ALWAYS black.  I don't know why I would think that it would make me look slimming, but it makes me feel better.

Anyhoo...as the Mommies of the pool started taking off their cover ups and walking around...I thought...I can do this.  All I have to do is slip off my board shorts and sit back down.  No one will notice.  No one will see.

She was afraid to come off of her chair...

She was as nervous as she could be...

She was afraid to slip off her board shorts...

She was afraid that somebody would see her stretch marks and less than "fit" legs.  (Not to mention pasty white)

BUT...she did it anyway.

I wanted to stand on my chair and shout...I DID IT!  For the first time in 11 years, I have taken off the skirt/shorts and am sitting here in public with my legs!  WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

However...I took the much less obvious approach and sat down almost before the shorts were completely off my body. 

So proudly, I sat with my black bikini bottoms.  It wasn't as bad as I thought.  This isn't so bad.  I started to smile.  I took out my June edition of Glamour magazine and started flipping through the pages with the utmost confidence. 

Then came Little. 

In his raspy little voice, he says..."What happened to your legs?  Who scratched you?" (referring to my many, many stretch marks)

Nice.

On came the shorts.  I was in such a hurry that I put both legs in one leg hole and almost fell over trying to recover.

I said...YOU happened Little.  You happened.

ugh.

I will try again.  Hopefully in a less pasty, more confident way...tomorrow.  And now that Little has seen my flaws and been told that they were all his fault...maybe he'll be less likely to point them out to the entire public.  Why didn't  I appreciate my polka dot bikini body when I had it so many years ago?

Oh...motherhood. 

I am SO good at it.

Have a blessed day!
Referee of 3

Gloria!

This...has been a rough week.

One that I wish I could explain. 

I have been sad...withdrawn...and a little quick tempered.

Okay...A LOT quick tempered. 

Here I am, going along like I am in complete control of my emotions with this change and BAM!

The tears hit me like a brick.

And they would NOT stop. 

Now I am an emotional person.  And I cry over everything.  But not like this.  I do the tear up...realize people are watching...laugh nervously while I wipe away the few little tears...and move on.  I like to refer to this as "the recovery".  This week however...I misplaced my ability to recover. 

Over what?

I don't exactly know that either.  My best guess is uncertainty.  My anxiety....of which I thought I had none...has gotten the absolute best of me.  That, coupled with my insecurity has made me a total mess. 

I have been sad...angry...frustrated...and have felt incomplete.  I stayed home from some friends house the other night to pray about it and try to figure out where my head was at.  I just wanted God to help me find my happiness.  I am one of the craziest...happiest...most forgetful...chaotic living people you will ever meet.  But that had all been set aside for this lack of recovery from my change. 

I still had my family.

I still had my faith.

I still had my home.

I still had a job that I would be going to in the fall.

I still had a summer to enjoy my kids.

I still had my ability to eat cookie dough...(thank GOODNESS)

So what was my problem?  If I couldn't find happiness in my family, my faith, my home, my job, my summer, and cookie dough...where on EARTH was I going to find it?

Oddly enough...I found it at Pier One.

Well...I remembered it at Pier One.  What I found at Pier One were my new favorite decorations for the summer. 

Meet Jose and Gloria

Jose because Jose Peppers is one of my all time fav places to eat.  And Gloria because I absolutely love Gloria on Modern family. 

I saw the commercial for them a week ago and thought...Oh...those are cute.

But when I saw them in store, I laughed because they are more than cute.  They made me laugh when I thought of the commercial.  And then, in true Referee of 3 fashion...I started reciting the commercial all over the store.  And I laughed some more.  When I went to pay, I kept telling the cashier how much I loved them and how adorable they were.  (I realize at this point she thought I was very "uncool")  She told me they had a commercial for them and before she could finish her sentence, I said..."I KNOW!!!"  (again, very uncool to cut off a teenager)  But I could not wait to get them home and out on my table for our dinner party. 

I think it was a breakthrough.

Jose and Gloria.  They are not my saving grace.  They didn't bring me happiness.  But they made me remember my happiness.  And that my hope is in the Lord.  After long talks with my Mom and Sister yesterday, I was reminded that I have so much to be thankful for and that crying over the closed door is unfair.  Because here I am, staring at the door that is open (a door many people would love to be staring at)...crying, scared...frustrated that I have no control.  Who knew, all I'd have to see was the bird salt and pepper shakers on the other side to know it would be okay?

Let summer begin.  (And by the way...with that statement comes letting Cookie Dough end)  This is going to be rough. 

Have a Blessed Day!
Referee of 3

25 minutes

I started with two hours.

I am down to 25 minutes.  How does that happen?  Why is it when you have a couple of hours to yourself...the time goes by so fast?

Here is the deal.  I have spent about 12 years complaining because I have no time to myself.  That comes with the territory.  Being a Mom gives you absolutely no free time.  No private time.  No time what so ever. 

I complain and gripe because I can't even take a bath without someone "needing to talk".  I can't drive to the store without someone tagging along. 

And then...magically...I am given two hours to be alone.

Guess what I did...???

I cried.

I went to Target to get coffee for my sis and I.  I dropped off her latte, and cried the whole way home.  Then I decided to take a walk.  I cried there too.  Then I came home...opened the freezer to my little box of pre-portioned cookie dough...took one out...(okay fine...I took two)...and cried some more as I finished the dvr'd Bachlorette that I missed from Monday night's baseball games. 

All I have ever wanted was a little time alone.  Time to not be screaming about hanging up towels and turning off lights.  Time to not be yelling about making sure you have your gloves and grabbing your Gatorade.  Time to be quiet.  Time to enjoy the silence.

Guess what....

Silence is deafening. 

I am drowning in my own tears because I finally got my own way...and all I want is to hear someone's voice.  Preferably...the voices of my kids.

HOLY COW...did I just say that?

I did.  (Did someone spike my latte?)  I think I might miss...my kids.  (surely not???)

I realize in 25 minutes, I'll be picking them up from school and I'll be back on here typing away about how soon school should be starting and how I can't wait for them to fall asleep tonight! 

But for now...I miss them.

Gosh.  I think this motherhood gig is a joke.  One minute you are happy and loving them because they are sweet, heavenly gifts from God.  Then they learn to walk...and talk.  And we no longer like them.  We go a couple of years not liking them for destroying things in our home and for the things that come out of their sweet mouths that WE brought into this world...and then we are bawling like babies standing outside of their pre-k classrooms!  I mean...who did this to my brain?

Why can't I decide on an emotion and stick with it? Do I like them?  Do I not?  Do they make me happy?  Do they make me crazy?  Do they make me want to stick them on the corner with a sign that says FREE!!!???  Yes.  They do.

But they are mine. 

People always tell me..."you'll miss it when it is gone."

And I think to myself ...YOU ARE NUTS...(all while smiling a very polite smile and nodding in their general direction to agree with their absolutely crazy comment.)

And then I have 2 hours alone today...and I think the crazies...might be right.

I will miss this.

I'll miss the mess. 

I'll miss the chaos.

I'll miss the scheduling nightmare.

I'll miss the hand prints.

I'll miss the voices...and the fighting.

I'll miss the little hugs...and the need to be needed.

For two hours...no one has said Mom.  No one has needed anything from me.  Which is what I have longed for for so long...

And I cried because no one needed me.  (well the cookie dough needed me...clearly)

I think I might be nuts.

Now I have 15 minutes until I have to leave to get Big, Middle and Little from their last morning of school.

School's out and I get to spend time with my kids.  The ones drive me nuts.  The ones that made me this way.

Thanks boys. 

And thank you God for my blessings.  And for my two hours.  Not exactly what I thought I'd do with free time...but very productive none the less. 

Through the tears, I was able to see my very chaotic...very messy...very unorganized ...very perfect life.  It is amazing how clearly we can see through our tears.

Have a wonderful day!
Referee of 3

Technical Difficulties

Blogger has been having some issues and I have not been able to access my blog account for a couple of days.  I apologize!  I wanted to let you know that I have plans for the morning, but will be back to post later today about the craziness of our weekend.  Happy Tuesday all!

Referee of 3

My cup overflows

This day...I have been dreading.

But as the Mommies came in and out this morning, I was given cards, cookies, smiles and hugs. 

My cup overflows.

When I started this journey nine years ago, I can remember being as anxious as I am today about our next journey.  I remember thinking...can I do this?  Am I even qualified to do this?

As it turns out, I was.

I have loved these kids as my own. 

I have watched over them...protected them...taught them...and spent hours upon hours just watching them grow.

My cup overflows.

I am sad today.  But I am also so very grateful for the time I have gotten to spend with some amazing families.  They have been such a blessing in all of our lives and I will miss them all...more than I can say.

Today I am making this about the blessings of what I have had with everyone and not about what I will miss.  I know that God has a plan for my life....for their lives...and for our journey. 

So...to

Logan and Drew
Chase and Grace
Drew, Mason & Livvy
Lukers & Landon
Morgan & Abbie
Tyler & Zach
Emma, Haley & Macy
Jackson & Emmie
Mercedes
Ethan
Braxton
Carsen
Carson
Carson
Graeson
Kane
Caroline
Baby Jack
Isabella
Caleb
Anna
Trinity
Cooper

I thank you for filling my cup.

And to Big, Middle and Little...thank you for sharing your Momma...and for filling my cup.

I love you all very much.

Have a blessed Friday~
Referee of 3 +some

Your pain is your pain

I had a friend share this with me last night.  No matter how insignificant you feel your situation might be, your pain is your pain. 

Sometimes I find myself trying to keep such a positive attitude because I know it could be so much worse.  I wrote an entire post about that very thing yesterday.  And I dont' mean to talk out of both sides of my mouth here...but I would be lying if I didn't say that I was terribly sad for my last day of work tomorrow. 

I know that it can always be worse.  And I know that I have so many things to be thankful for...and I am.

But I am also very sad.  There is no sense in denying that fact.  I have cried many tears over the fact that I will no longer be caring for all these kids.  I will no longer be "needed" in the sense that I am now. 

I also know that this change is what is best for my family.  And that many good things will come from it.  But it doesn't keep me from crying as I go through the mounds of pictures I have of all of these kids growing up in our home.  It doesn't keep me from crying as I realize how fast Big, Middle and Little have grown while I was in the thick of all of this. 

My pain.

Does it compare to some?  No way.  Does it compare to the sacrifices that Jesus made for us?  No way.  But there is hope.  And as I read in that post yesterday...He reigns...even when it rains. 

Being a Christian doesn't mean being able to be superhuman.  Sad things still make you sad.  Bad things still make you angry.  It is how we deal with what we are given that makes us different.  Because we know that we have God.  And He reigns.  It doesn't mean I haven't cried.  It means He cries with me.  It doesn't mean I am not scared.  It means He is giving me strength and courage when I need it the most.  It isn't just kneeling in prayer to ask for His help...it is standing up with His help. 

So I am sad.  I am very, very sad.  I am anxious.  I am very, very anxious. 

I feel like I am in a little fishing boat in the middle of a raging lake.  (I don't know how to fish, nor do I care to ever touch live bait.  And water isn't really even a fear of mine)  But here I sit.

I heard a some words to a song last night that helped me put this all into perspective.
The words....

You hold my every motive
You calm my raging sea.

My pain. 

My sea.

Lord, help me to get control over my emotions so that I can stand up and see the blessing through all of this.  Help calm my sea, Lord.  Help calm my sea.
Amen

Have a blessed day!  And if you wouldn't mind, please pray tomorrow for me.  I know saying goodbye to my little ones will be very difficult.  Thanks so much!
Referee of 3

Please Read

An all too familiar reality.

I sat down at my computer...and was looking through the different blogs I read.  I came across this. 

An all too familiar reality.

We've been there.  We've been having bad days.  We've been going through sad times.  We've been exhausted...cranky...frustrated with life.

And then I remember...something that PR said this weekend at church. 

It could always be worse.

Could it?  Oh yes...it could.

An all too familiar reality.

The sleepless nights following the accidents of three Mulvane teenagers that Coach taught...coached...and cared for.  They were children of our friends.  They were kids.  Their pictures still hang on the bulletin board in my kitchen to remind me how blessed I am...to have known them...and to have my own children.

The worry...the fear...the courage to find the strength to face the next day.  

We all have those days when Big's attitude is bigger than Texas.  We all have those days when Middle is sneakier and more rude than I ever thought MY child could be.  We all have those days when Little cries over more things than he did as a newborn. 

But then I remember that each of my struggles is a blessing in disguise.

This line in this blog post hit me like a ton of bricks.  I needed this so badly. 

It was raining.  But here is the hope. God is reigning. (Lysa TerKeurts)

Yes...He is reigning. 

And we don't always understand...but we trust. 

I will trust you God.

Have a blessed day!
Referee of 3

Please read Lysa's entire blog post here.