#Happy

I've seen a lot posts about 'Happy Days' lately on Facebook.  I haven't joined in with the pictures or the 100 days because I tend to forget things.  I'm sure I would forget to post on...shall we say...day two.  But that...coupled with a pin I saw on Pinterest got me thinking.

As parents...we sometimes are a little hard on ourselves as far as how well we are doing in the eyes of others.

I have been pretty hard on myself over the past week over a few mistakes that I like to refer to as 'The Epic Parenting Fails of the Summer of 2014'.  I like to give things titles.  It's just something I do.

Moving on...

I post about my short comings because I think it makes others feel like they are normal.  We are always trying to compare ourselves to the image of a perfect parent.  I've never seen one (sorry Mom and Dad...you run a close race) in person...only in theory.  In my mind, the perfect Mom gets up and reads a devotional, works out, makes a hot breakfast, gets cleaned up and ready to go and has her first cup of coffee in silence before her children wake up happy and beautiful.  They are always on time, look amazing, and have a positive attitude.  They are always smiling, rested, and in great shape.  The perfect parent has respectful, helpful, compassionate children.  They cook, clean, and do yard work without breaking a sweat.  They attend church weekly and have a family meal at the table every night.  They pray and fall asleep smiling.

When I don't model myself after this perfect image, I become unhappy.  I'm unhappy when I get lost in a prayer.  I'm unhappy when I only get half the house cleaned.  I'm unhappy when we eat dinner on the run.  I'm unhappy when I take my kid to church camp on the wrong day.  I feel like a failure when I don't fit into this perfect box.

When I'm unhappy, what my kids get is a stressed, mean, hateful, failure of a mom.

Now...don't get me wrong.  Clearly I have things to work on.  I need an assistant.  And I need an assistant for my assistant in order to get my calendar right.  I'm not saying it is okay to live in a state of constant chaos.  I am saying that maybe we shouldn't be so hard on ourselves when we don't fit into the definition of the perfect parent.

The day I took Middle to church camp (a week early), I cried for like three miles.  Literally.  Do you know what Middle did?  He teared up right there with me.  He patted my shoulder and told me repeatedly that it was alright.  He said..."Everyone makes mistakes Mom."  He then spent the next three miles telling me all of the reasons this "actually worked out better."  As I reflected on that "mistake"...I saw a glimpse of the person that kid is turning out to be.  And somewhere in my reflection of a failure of a mother...I taught him to find the good in things.

Maybe I'm not a failure.

Maybe I'm not the perfect parent and maybe I have a lot of things to work on, but maybe I'm not a failure.

Seeing this quote made me realize that I need to give my children the gift of a Happy Mother.  A Happy Mother that is not completely unsatisfied with who she is as a person.

I may not always be on time.  I may not always be put together.  I may not always get my devotional done or my workout in.  I may not always say the right things or make the right choices.

But I love them more than anything in this world.  And that...makes me #Happy

Referee of 3

P.S.-I made a whole plate of cookies without burning them.  That is a little personal success story.  <3

Focus

Dear God,

Please be with...

Please help...

Please give me peace with...

Did I ever pull those baseball pants out of the washer?

Did we miss the boys' haircuts last week?

How many days until we report back to school?

Oh...sorry God.  

Uhmmmmmm...please give me strength and patience for...

Is our dog out?  Whose dog is barking like that?  What time is it?  

Is that my phone?  

Sorry God...I'm out.  

Amen

Welcome to my prayer time.  It isn't always like this.  Sometimes it is worse.  I can't focus.  When I do focus, I'm interrupted.  I feel like a failure at praying, yet I know the importance of doing so.  

At church yesterday, our pastor talked about "firework moments" in your walk with Christ.  How some people have amazing firework moments while others have moments that come a little at a time.  Sometimes a building is in the way...but you can see the fireworks enough to know they are there and you can imagine that in all their glory, how amazing they must be.  

Sometimes my walk can be like that.  I stray far enough away from my faith that the fireworks are almost out of sight completely.  But...I catch a glimpse and I'm pulled back in.  I tried to sit this morning and have quiet prayer time because I was searching for the fireworks.  That's when the crazy prayer from above happens.  

I am in need of focus.  

Maybe I'll start small...like with exercise.  If I start with 5 push ups...I'll find my way to many push ups.  

Dear God,

Please help me focus on you.

Amen  

I know God knows the desires of my heart.  I'll try to put less in words and more in shifting my focus and finding the fireworks again.  

Now...about those baseball pants...

Referee of 3

Thirst

I've never been much of a "green thumb".  I usually end up killing anything I've ever tried to plant or pot.  It isn't that I can't do it.  I am pretty sure it is the fact that I don't give the plants what they need.

In this life, I've never been accused of someone that has it "together".  I used to get super frustrated with this fact.  I guess I've gotten used to it because it really doesn't bother me that I'm not the most organized mother on the face of the earth.  I'll never win an award for most organized kitchen cabinets or cleanliest laundry room.  In fact...my own mother bought me a book for Christmas for the sole purpose of helping me get better organized.  I lost that book in the Galveston cruise ship port.  If you are shocked, you don't know me very well.  You'll also not be surprised to know that I found that book later when I unloaded a bag that we missed when we unloaded the others.  For someone who isn't very "together"...I'm usually pretty lucky.

Some people live their life with order and routine.  I am not one of those people.  Which is probably why my plants never make it.  I forget...in the crazy chaos of life...to water them.  When I plant them, I always tell myself to get up first thing in the morning, get coffee, and water the flowers.  I tell myself in my best "mom" voice...make it a habit.  Do it every day and you'll eventually get used to it.  This is coming from someone who usually washes her hair twice in the shower because she can't remember if she has washed it once already.  I don't do things in the same order...ever.  It is bad and it REALLY bothers my type A husband and children.  Poor things.

As I was looking at my pretty flowers and noticing how wilted and sad they were looking from lack of water, I realized something.  I too feel wilted and sad sometimes.  It is amazing to me how I can connect my relationship with God to my sad and wilted flowers.

Keep reading...I'll wrap this up soon.

If we don't give ourselves the opportunity to live in the word every day, we tend to get sad...and wilted.  We become bitter and we react, rather than respond to situations that arise.  We become thirsty...like the flowers.  Flowers that are watered consistently are so much prettier to look at.  They stand tall and have bright and gorgeous colors.

I'm so guilty of forgetting to quench my own thirst.  I forget to read my bible.  I forget to open a devotional.  I forget to pray.  I forget to include God in my every day decisions.  And when I do...I can tell.  People around me can tell.

I hate that.

I don't want to be a sad, dried up flower.  I want to be strong and stand tall.

It isn't just about making myself be in the word every day either.  It is about surrounding myself with people who want to be seen in that light as well.  Unfortunately...when we put ourselves in the company of those who don't care about quenching that thirst...we too become dried up.  It's crazy.

I heard the words of a song the other day that really hit this home for me.

The song said..."let them see you in me".

There's much more...but those are the words that play over and over in my mind.

Let them see you...in me.

Another song that always plays in my mind says this...

"come to the water, you who thirst...and you'll thirst no more"

I have a couple of goals for myself.  One...not to kill my pretty porch flowers.  I only planted two pots.  I thought to myself..."I can handle two pots...right?"  We'll see...says the woman who shampoos twice.  And two...to be better at quenching my own thirst.  I need to let people see God in me.    As my Big goes through confirmation this weekend, I need him to see God in me too.

Challenge accepted.

Have a blessed day!
Referee of 3 23

Redefining Social Media

I really didn't want to go to Ash Wednesday service at our church.  That week was stressful and I just needed a night at home.  However, Big is going through confirmation and took an active part in the service.  I knew where I needed to be and why.  I just wasn't "feeling it" though.

After listening to PR talk about the importance of the Lenten season, I knew why God wanted me there.  I listened intently and felt some of the words he used stinging my heart.  It was obvious that I was there for a very good reason.

As many of you know, this year has been full of ups for us.  I had a new teaching job and Coach moved to the high school to teach.  We had so many positive changes happening in our lives and it was great.  Until the stressful side of those changes took over.  The changes in our lives became overwhelming and I could see that I was more anxious than grateful at many times.  This comes with the territory of any new position I would imagine, but I just wasn't feeling the thankfulness I had felt earlier in the year.

We have also had the opportunity to travel to two amazing places as a family in the last year.  The trips brought us closer as a family and I am so grateful we had that experience for our boys.  However...the awesomeness of the trips got wrapped up in the stress of packing, traveling, and so on.  My thankfulness just wasn't as present as I had hoped it would be.

I haven't always given something up for Lent.  In fact, I only started giving something up a few years ago as a way to strengthen my "walk" towards Easter.  PR mentioned a few years ago that we were to give something up or add something to our lives during the Lenten season to help us truly understand our walk with Christ to the Cross.  After talking with some friends, I know not everyone is sold on this concept, and that is okay.  It's been a personal decision of mine to try to give something up each year since then.  The first year, I gave up all sweets.  That was...a nightmare.  I was in the thick of my cookie dough coping mechanism and I took it all away from myself.  I had to learn to deal with stresses by eating crackers and cheese instead.  The second year, I gave up Diet Pepsi.  That was also a disaster.  I am pretty sure this is the time I started drinking more than 4 cups of coffee a day and have had the shakes ever since.  In giving up these things, I realized it wasn't helping me in my walk to the cross much.  I was just replacing one vice with another. The next year, I decided to add something to my life instead of taking something away.  I added a daily devotional and writing on my blog more.  This was very beneficial because I was able to start my day with the word and then reflect on my thoughts by writing.  It was great until life got in the way.  I always start with such passion and then end up only blogging once every other week.

Where is she going with this...?  Stand by.  I'm getting there.

This year, after attending the service I didn't want to attend, and then realizing how much I needed to be there, I decided to look at whatever it was that was truly keeping me from time with "life".  Not just time with God, but time with my husband, my children, and my family and friends.  As I left the church that night, I knew exactly what I'd be giving up for Lent.  But instead of saying I was giving it up for Lent, I knew I was really giving it up for the people in my life who had taken a backseat to it.  I gave up social media.

Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook.  Now you know how much I love social media.  If you don't,  you don't know me very well.  When I was home with my kids, I used social media to socialize with other adults.  I loved catching up with friends from college and high school.  I loved seeing pictures of families, vacations, new babies, etc.  Then came the age of smart phones.  Since I have added these social media apps to my phone, I became more and more detached from life.  Real life.  It is so easy to do.  And you don't mean to do it.  But I did it.  I missed whole conversations with my family.  I missed important cues from friends who were struggling.  I never saw things because I had my head down reading who knows what on social media.  I became more insecure and less present each day.  And then...I saw my kids doing it.  I noticed they weren't listening to me.  They didn't notice when things were stressful.  They weren't listening and they started basing their self worth on how many followers they had.  What?!?!  Who does that?

Guilty as charged.

I would find myself feeling insecure or confident based on the number of "likes" I got on a post.  I would wait for notifications on my phone to tell me if a blog I had written was good or bad.  The truth of the matter is...I don't write for other people.  I write for me.  I shouldn't care what people think...but, it is who we are.  AND...I feel like social media has taken that to a whole new level.

Who in this life are we trying to impress?  Who in this life are we trying to compete with?  What is it that I want people to know about me when I am gone?

Not that I was on social media all of the time.

Not that I based my self worth on how many social media notifications I had.

Not that I wasn't present in life, but present online instead.

Since I've been off social media, I've noticed many things.  One, I see things.  I see what is happening around me.  Two, I hear things.  I hear when Little tells me a story.  I heard the excitement with Middle's voice when he came home with his new baseball uniform.  I heard the stress in Big's voice as we filled out his high school schedule form.  Three...I've learned things.  I'm learning who I am and what I need in my life.  I will get back on social media eventually.  But I need to know that I don't need it to survive.  I need to know who my true friends are.  I need to know that my family knows I'm present.

I'm redefining what social media is in my life.  When I'm gone...I want people to know that I was a good mom because I was seeing and hearing my children.  I want people to know that I am a good parent because I know my kids by what they say to my face, not what I read about them on social media.  I want people to know that I am a good wife because I love my husband and it shows.  I want people to know I was loyal to my family because of my actions.

I want my actions to speak louder than my posts.

I have so much work to do in my life as far as my "walk" is concerned.  But I feel like this is a good step.  God sacrificed his son for us.  I think we all know I can't give up sweets, but I can surely redefine social media in my life for the people I love.  :)


Have a blessed day!
Referee of 3, 23

Keep It Together

Do you ever give yourself pep talks?  Because I do.  I think it is completely normal.  And because I chose not to survey anyone else before writing this post, we'll call it normal.  I do this quite often.  When I deem something normal, rather than asking others, I just go with it.  It makes me feel better...along with butterfingers, diet Pepsi, and warm towels.

Last week, Big had Freshman Orientation.  

Did you read that?  

FRESHMAN ORIENTATION

This means the orientation for him becoming a Freshman.  In high school.  As I sat listening ever so intently to the counselor, I started to feel the walls closing in.  I wouldn't say I had a panic attack, but my heart was beating fast...my palms were sweating...and my mouth was dry.  When the meeting was over, I felt numb.  Is it actually possible that my sweet, little, Big was going to high school?  

The answer is no.

One...I'm not old enough.  I'm sure of it.  In fact, I'm quite certain I just graduated from college.  (Forget the fact that I finished at 35)  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand...I feel as if I just finished high school.  Two...he can't be old enough to go to high school.  He was just two years old and I had to get mad at him for biting or not eating his carrots.  How is this possible?  He can't be ready for high school...HE JUST CAN'T BE!  I was just reading Goodnight Moon to him every...single...night...before bed.  

The week before last...I took my Middle to his first middle school dance.  He got dressed, sprayed cologne, took pictures with girls...hold please.  (I need a tissue and some chocolate)

I mean...WHAT IS HAPPENING?  This is my sweet cheeked Middle.  This is the little guy who stood on the pitching mound and smiled at me during the game.  He can't be dancing with other girls.  He JUST CAN'T BE!  This is the one that loved me and would listen as I read Snuggle Puppy every...single...night...before bed.  

Do you see?  Do you see why I keep giving myself the 'Keep It Together Sister' pep talk?  Life is handing more change than I can deal with.  Clearly, I'm fragile.  Can't life see that I can only deal with small changes one at a time?  Not several big changes at once...no.  No...no...no.  

Hold please...(more tissue...more chocolate)

We've had a few snow days and as a result, Little's Valentine's Day music program happened last Friday evening.  I charged my camera and off we went.  As he stood on the front row, I watched him.  I watched his face.  I watched his little mouth move.  I watched his little hands as he nervously did the motions to the songs.  I looked for a smile...(performing is not his cup of tea so the smile came at the end.)  One of the songs they sang almost brought me to tears.  

Oh...who am I kidding.  I teared up.  I teared up and had a 'Keep It Together Sister' pep talk with myself right there in the stands.  The song was "You've Got a Friend in Me" from Toy Story.  I have watched this movie with the boys so many times I can quote it.  I have yet to finish the third one because I become inconsolable when the Mom is sending the son to college.  To prevent any complete catastrophes...I just turn it off.  I may never finish that movie...ever. 

As they finished the song...I had to continually tell myself to keep it together.  I was on the verge of a total and complete meltdown.  I waited until I got home and then the tears came.  

All this growing up and changing has me scared to death.  SCARED TO DEATH.  I want you to understand how frightened I am.  I NEED you to hear this in my words.  Having children to love is the most amazing and wonderful thing in the world.  I think God gives us people in our lives to love unconditionally so we can fully understand his love for us.  I think he wants us to love them and fear for them as he loves and fears for us.  

It is hard.  

It is so, so, so, hard.  

But it is so, so, so, worth it.  

On the way home from the program as I was thinking of all the things that are changing, a song came on the radio that really helped me think.  I could sit and be sad that the past is behind us.  I could cry all day long about what has changed and how I want my babies back.  Or...I could start keeping it together and telling them the things I need them to know for the future.  This song...brought me to that understanding.  This song...and God.  I'm so thankful that he is in control...because clearly, I am not.  

"The Words I Would Say" Sidewalk Prophets

It's Three in the morning
and I'm still awake
so I picked up a pen and a page.
And I started writing
just what I'd say
if we were face to face

I'd tell you just what you mean to me
Tell you these simple truths

Be strong in the Lord and
never give up hope.
You're gonna do great things
I already know
God's got his hand on you so 
don't live life in fear
forgive and forget
but don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would say
Last time we spoke
you said you were hurting
and I felt your pain in my heart
I want you to know
that I keep on praying
Love will find you where you are

I know 'cause I've already been there
So just hear these simple truths

Be strong in the Lord and
never give up hope.
You're gonna do great things
I already know
God's got his hand on you so 
don't live life in fear
forgive and forget
but don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would say
From one simple life to another
I will say
Come find peace in the Father

Be strong in the Lord and
never give up hope.
You're gonna do great things
I already know
God's got his hand on you so 
don't live life in fear
forgive and forget
but don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
Thank God for each day
His love will find a way
These are the words I would say.

Confessions of a MOT...Mom of Teens

I remember having this amazing relationship with my Mom growing up.  I always thought she was beautiful.  She was kind, thoughtful, and a very hard worker.

Until this one day...when I realized I was much cooler than she was.  Suddenly, she appeared less amazing, wore dorky clothes, and nothing she said made any sense what so ever.

Shortly after those awful years of living with a dorky dressing dumb mom...I moved out.

Shortly after moving out, I realized how amazing she was...again.  I remembered her inner and outer beauty.  But, more than that...I remembered that she was paying for everything that kept me going in college.

Then I had children.  Now I realize that she really is amazing.  She is beautiful on the inside and out...and she is a genius.  PURE Genius.

I had children when I was pretty young.  When I found out I was pregnant with Big...I was 21...barely.  I knew nothing of being a parent or the toll it would take on my mind, body, and heart.  After Big was born...I was sure I was a good parent.  I could change his diapers, rock him to sleep, get him to burp after a bottle, and he didn't have his first stitches until he was 2.  Yep...good mom...right here.

I am amazing...I thought, as I loaded up my new baby and my two year old in a grocery cart and did all the shopping.  I've totally got this...as I handled a church service with ease and gracefully found my way out of any situation that contained vomit or runny poo.

Parenting isn't that hard after all...I thought.

Stupid...stupid...stupid.

When Big became a pre-teen, I really had no idea what I was up against.  But...we handled all that came our way.  Again...I thought...We are REALLY good parents...as we saw grade cards and met new friends through sports.  We've totally got this...as we met  the challenges of a busy sports schedule, a 10 year old...and an unexpected three year old on my hip.

I don't know what people complain about...I thought.

Stupid...stupid...stupid.

We have now entered the world where we are man to man with teens in this house.  And to boot...we have a very curious seven year old that hangs on every word.

Let me explain.

I thought it would be fun to take my two impressionable boys shopping for clothes for the upcoming middle school dance.  I'm not sure what happened in that two hour time period, but I discovered something I don't think I was quite ready for.

I am the dorky dressing dumb Mom my mom once was in my eyes.

I know...I can hardly believe it either.  Just last week I was commending myself for wearing jeans tucked into my boots.  That's cool...right?  For someone who was such a stellar parent with small babies and toddler...I've apparently lost all of my "swag".  What am I saying...I really have no clue.

As I wandered around a store that I used to frequent, I realized I was shopping for my kids...in this store...that I used to buy clothes in.  Suddenly...it hit me like a sack of bricks.

I'm...not...cool anymore.

I bolted out of that store like nobody's business.  I found myself in the Dillards restroom staring in the mirror.  I don't even recognize myself anymore.  I...am...my...mother.

Oh...My...Goodness.

My kids think I know nothing.  They love me...they do.  But, I'm not cool.  I tried following Big's friends on Twitter in an attempt to keep an eye on things.  This is "not cool".  My smarter than me 14 year old got into my Twitter and unfollowed people.  As I admitted to being guilty of following some of his friends...he informed me that it is "kind of creepy".

Super.  I'm the dorky dumb sort of creepy Mom with no swag.

This is all new territory.  So...stay with me as I try to figure it all out.

I love my kids and I want them to understand that just as they are learning to be big...we are learning to let them be big.  It is cray cray.

#notready

I'll need support and dare I say it...cookie dough.  Lots of it.  Thank goodness...I still have a Little.

This is way harder than I thought it might be.  Who is with me?  Dorky not ready to let go parents...unite!

Have a blessed day!
Referee of Two Teens and  a Little

Come As You Are

I just spent the last 45 minutes cleaning up my house for my new cleaning assistant.  Yes.  You heard that right.  I have hired a cleaning assistant.  She will be my  new best friend.  I feel like I already want to buy her gifts even though I'll be paying her to help me keep this place up.  I want to thank her for simply existing and being around to help me.

I'm not ashamed.

I need help.

I've needed help for years.  Please don't misunderstand me.  Coach and the boys do their part.  Coach does more than most husbands I am quite sure.  But there is something about being a Mom and Wife that takes a little more.  There is an expectation of the way things "should" be.  When you are a Mom/Wife that can't fulfill those obligations due to job...children...sports...etc., you feel almost unworthy of your title.  I'm not writing this for pity.  Really...I'm not.  There is just this GIANT list of things you want to accomplish in your day that 9 times out of 10 don't get done in real life.

We are coming and going so much that it makes my head spin.  Cleaning happens.  Deep cleaning only happens when someone is coming over.  Spring cleaning happens in the summer and closet clean outs happen on snow days.  That's how we roll around here.  However...my point to this post isn't to tell you about why I need a cleaning helper new friend.

I was thinking as I was running through my house trying to make it something it usually isn't...about how ironic that is.  I was hanging towels and putting away a month's worth of jewelry.  I was scrubbing toilet seats and picking up the shoes that surrounded the "shoe basket" in the front door.  I was putting away mail and shining my faucet in the attempt to make my new cleaning helper friend think we are usually quite tidy.  I even fixed my make up and put on perfume.  (Did I think she would smell me?  I don't know.  I really...don't...know.)

I laugh at the thought of what I looked like doing this.

I think coming into a church home can be like this as well.  Or simply coming to know Christ.  So often we think, or rather we KNOW that we need him.  We need help.  We can feel it and know that he is the missing piece of our lives.  Yet...we rush around trying to clean up our lives using every other method than just coming to him as we are.  We think we have to look, be, act, and be perceived as a certain person.  All God wants is for us to come to him as we are.

We are usually broken.  We are messy.  We are confused and sometimes hurt.  We are trying to pick up pieces or find our way back to the path.  And he says...that's OK.  He isn't wanting us to come to him with shiny faucets and shoes neatly placed in our baskets.  He says just come...as we are.

I love that about God...because I'm a mess.  And he loves me anyway.  I can only hope my new cleaning assistant friend is okay with that too.  :)

Have a blessed day!
Referee of 3