Keep It Together

Do you ever give yourself pep talks?  Because I do.  I think it is completely normal.  And because I chose not to survey anyone else before writing this post, we'll call it normal.  I do this quite often.  When I deem something normal, rather than asking others, I just go with it.  It makes me feel better...along with butterfingers, diet Pepsi, and warm towels.

Last week, Big had Freshman Orientation.  

Did you read that?  

FRESHMAN ORIENTATION

This means the orientation for him becoming a Freshman.  In high school.  As I sat listening ever so intently to the counselor, I started to feel the walls closing in.  I wouldn't say I had a panic attack, but my heart was beating fast...my palms were sweating...and my mouth was dry.  When the meeting was over, I felt numb.  Is it actually possible that my sweet, little, Big was going to high school?  

The answer is no.

One...I'm not old enough.  I'm sure of it.  In fact, I'm quite certain I just graduated from college.  (Forget the fact that I finished at 35)  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand...I feel as if I just finished high school.  Two...he can't be old enough to go to high school.  He was just two years old and I had to get mad at him for biting or not eating his carrots.  How is this possible?  He can't be ready for high school...HE JUST CAN'T BE!  I was just reading Goodnight Moon to him every...single...night...before bed.  

The week before last...I took my Middle to his first middle school dance.  He got dressed, sprayed cologne, took pictures with girls...hold please.  (I need a tissue and some chocolate)

I mean...WHAT IS HAPPENING?  This is my sweet cheeked Middle.  This is the little guy who stood on the pitching mound and smiled at me during the game.  He can't be dancing with other girls.  He JUST CAN'T BE!  This is the one that loved me and would listen as I read Snuggle Puppy every...single...night...before bed.  

Do you see?  Do you see why I keep giving myself the 'Keep It Together Sister' pep talk?  Life is handing more change than I can deal with.  Clearly, I'm fragile.  Can't life see that I can only deal with small changes one at a time?  Not several big changes at once...no.  No...no...no.  

Hold please...(more tissue...more chocolate)

We've had a few snow days and as a result, Little's Valentine's Day music program happened last Friday evening.  I charged my camera and off we went.  As he stood on the front row, I watched him.  I watched his face.  I watched his little mouth move.  I watched his little hands as he nervously did the motions to the songs.  I looked for a smile...(performing is not his cup of tea so the smile came at the end.)  One of the songs they sang almost brought me to tears.  

Oh...who am I kidding.  I teared up.  I teared up and had a 'Keep It Together Sister' pep talk with myself right there in the stands.  The song was "You've Got a Friend in Me" from Toy Story.  I have watched this movie with the boys so many times I can quote it.  I have yet to finish the third one because I become inconsolable when the Mom is sending the son to college.  To prevent any complete catastrophes...I just turn it off.  I may never finish that movie...ever. 

As they finished the song...I had to continually tell myself to keep it together.  I was on the verge of a total and complete meltdown.  I waited until I got home and then the tears came.  

All this growing up and changing has me scared to death.  SCARED TO DEATH.  I want you to understand how frightened I am.  I NEED you to hear this in my words.  Having children to love is the most amazing and wonderful thing in the world.  I think God gives us people in our lives to love unconditionally so we can fully understand his love for us.  I think he wants us to love them and fear for them as he loves and fears for us.  

It is hard.  

It is so, so, so, hard.  

But it is so, so, so, worth it.  

On the way home from the program as I was thinking of all the things that are changing, a song came on the radio that really helped me think.  I could sit and be sad that the past is behind us.  I could cry all day long about what has changed and how I want my babies back.  Or...I could start keeping it together and telling them the things I need them to know for the future.  This song...brought me to that understanding.  This song...and God.  I'm so thankful that he is in control...because clearly, I am not.  

"The Words I Would Say" Sidewalk Prophets

It's Three in the morning
and I'm still awake
so I picked up a pen and a page.
And I started writing
just what I'd say
if we were face to face

I'd tell you just what you mean to me
Tell you these simple truths

Be strong in the Lord and
never give up hope.
You're gonna do great things
I already know
God's got his hand on you so 
don't live life in fear
forgive and forget
but don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would say
Last time we spoke
you said you were hurting
and I felt your pain in my heart
I want you to know
that I keep on praying
Love will find you where you are

I know 'cause I've already been there
So just hear these simple truths

Be strong in the Lord and
never give up hope.
You're gonna do great things
I already know
God's got his hand on you so 
don't live life in fear
forgive and forget
but don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would say
From one simple life to another
I will say
Come find peace in the Father

Be strong in the Lord and
never give up hope.
You're gonna do great things
I already know
God's got his hand on you so 
don't live life in fear
forgive and forget
but don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
Thank God for each day
His love will find a way
These are the words I would say.