Mom Lesson

There comes a time in every Mother's life where they realize...life is moving fast.

Life is moving very fast.

Let me back up.  In my post the other day in regards to my eye rolling pre-teen, I left out a few key details.  I did that because I hadn't realized them yet.  As those realizations fell like a thud on my heart...I decided to share them with you.

In my mind, this is my Big.  I love this picture because I can remember taking it and thinking...wow, he looks so big with his hat on backwards!  He was almost one and I loved him so very much.  I cherished every moment with him.  The ones when he was screaming at me for no reason were hard to cherish...but as a new Mom...I just did.

The eye rolling preteen has taken my by surprise.  I was caught off guard the other day at the barber shop.  This is where it began.  Big and Middle had just gotten hair cuts and Big came over with hair on his face.  As any Mother would do...I reached up and wiped it off.  He jerked away and glared at me with a look I hadn't seen very often.  He wanted me NOT to touch him...and he meant it. 

This broke my heart.  When did he decided he no longer needed me?  Creep.  That was it.  If he was going to take that attitude on with me (and grow up without my permission) I was going to ground him from everything.  Who does he think he is getting that tone with me (and growing up without my permission)?  I mean seriously?  Since when does a 12 year old not need their Mother to wipe stray hairs off their face?  And since when does a 12 year old not need their Mom to help them zip up their coat and make sure they have their gloves?  And since when does a 12 year old not need their Mom to hug them nighty night? 

Oh dear...I just heard myself.

I am no longer 12, but I remember being 12.  Wanting to grow up and be treated like an adult.  DANG IT.  I don't want this realization.  I am right and I KNOW I am right.

Right?

Wrong. 

I am a Mom.  And every single one of you reading this will understand.  I had this chat with Big last night and it took every ounce of me not to cry.  (until I left the room of course)  I have spent 12 years taking care of you.  I love you.  I feed you (sometimes burnt food, but I feed you).  I make sure you are warm.  I make sure you have all that you need.  And no one loves you like I do.  NO ONE.  (except for your Dad...and God...and your Mimi and your Nana...and your Aunt Chele)  I am your Mom and all I want is to make sure you have the best that you can.  I want you to be warm and fed.  I want you to feel loved always...and to be happy.  And to be little.  Is that so much for me to ask?  I need you to need me...okay?

Stupid tears.

Honestly...being a Mom is so very hard.  And...in my defense...I still have a Little!  Middle is my sweetie and I am quite certain he'll always let me wipe his face for fear he'll hurt my feelings otherwise.  He is very much my child.  And Little...if I don't wipe his face, no one will.  He is five...and he needs me.  Oh I love how he needs me. 

My point to this...is that half of my anger toward my eye rolling preteen is justified.  TOTALLY.  The other half is my unwillingness to realize that my Big is not little anymore.  I explained to him that I am a woman.  That I am an unstable, emotional basket case.  That I need to be needed.  That I'll stop wiping his face and calling him Bubba in public.  But that I'll never stop trying to take care of him.  I'll say things like..."wear your coat" under my breath.  And I'll allow him to wipe his own face, if he still hugs me at bedtime.  His smile melts my heart.  His freckles make me love him more every time I see them.

His eye rolling just ticks me off.

I'll work on finding the right balance.

Someone should have told me this parenting thing was hard.  After the bottles and diapers, I thought I had this thing locked up. 

Not so much...

Have a blessed day!
Referee of 3

In looking at this picture, I now see the difference between Big...and Little.
My heart is full...and my tear ducts are empty.
This picture says so much about them...if you only knew.