When we first got married, Steve adopted a dog for our little family. We named her Haley and she was an amazing first family dog. She died 11 years later of cancer. She lived through our firsts together. Our first house, first child, first move, first stitches, etc. you get it. She was a member of our family. When she passed, I was heartbroken.
I packed her things and took them to my sweet friend across the street. I gave away almost everything that reminded me of her because my heart couldn't take the sadness it brought me. I swore we'd never have another dog because I couldn't lose another one. My heart just couldn't take it.
If you've ever felt this way about something, then you know what I'm talking about. I've sworn off of about a million things in my 39 years of life and anyone who knows me-knows I'm a quitter at quitting. Basically when I quit or give up-it's temporary. Sometimes momentary depending on what I'm done with at the time.
Since January, we've been going through a family crisis. Our beloved Nana (my MIL) was diagnosed with bile duct cancer. She was given a treatment option to prolong her life with us and she took it. The treatments were eventually stopped and hospice was started. This woman has been a part of every event that has happened since the moment we were engaged until now. She hasn't missed a birth, barely missed a game, made everything having to do with our boys a priority and we aren't quite sure how to continue life without her. Our hearts are broken.
This loss seems doubly unfair as Steve and his brother lost their Dad to MS when they were younger.
One of Nana's favorite children's books is called Love You Forever. She currently has it sitting out on a table. As I've watched over the past month, I've been able to see this book played out in real life. The boys have switched roles with the woman who took care of them all of their lives and now they are taking the best care of her. It's a blessing to see-for sure. I've watched as everyone has said "I Love You"-I've seen the tears and exhaustion. This is by far the worst thing I've ever experienced. And I want to quit.
I want to quit the sadness and the hurt. I want to quit the tears and the exhaustion. I want to quit on God because I am so mad that he won't just fix her. If I quit loving him, then I won't have to hurt this way again. No more dogs. No more God. No more.
And then I remember her faith. This woman has the most amazing faith I've ever witnessed. She gets it. She's been where we are sitting. She's been the one left behind more than once. Yet she still talks about her Savior. She holds onto him with a grip that I can't understand, but desperately want to.
I know quitting isn't the answer. I've always known that. And I think god knows me well enough to know that I'll quit at quitting this too. I've been listening to the Mercy Me song "Even If" for about a month. I know he sends me songs to keep me hanging on. Even when I don't want to.
There are a few things I'm grateful for in this experience. I'm so thankful for the ability to see Steve in a different light. After almost 19 years of marriage, we've seen a lot. But there is a strength that goes along with this you don't know you have until you have to. I've seen that in him. He's a blessing and he is my husband and the father of my children. For that I'm grateful.
I'm thankful for the relationships I've seen with Nana. I've had the opportunity to watch the people who love her and who she loves come and share with her their most intimate thoughts and feelings proving to us what we already know-she's an amazing soul and loved so dearly.
I'm thankful for the new perspective on what people have and will continue to go through. God doesn't open our eyes to things until he knows we are ready to see. I think about all the people I know who've done this. Who've been here. How we just continue about our busy lives-feeling sad for them, but not really getting it. You just never know what someone is going through. I've said it a million times, but now I get it. Life goes on in the middle of tragedy and we have to be able to get in the trenches with people while that happens. Not just say it-mean it.
I'm thankful for our family and friends who hold us up. You are doing a great job and we are forever grateful for all that you have done.
I told myself I'd never have a dog again because the pain was so great after the loss.
We have two dogs now. And I love them with all of my heart.
There is love after loss if you don't quit.
God-I'm counting on you to show all of us that this is true. My hope is in you alone.
Please be in prayer for all of us as we spend time with her. Pray for Scott and Steve as they say goodbye to their Momma. Pray for Brett, Tanner, and Brady to see what a blessing she was in their lives for 17, 15, and 10 Years and how much she loves Jesus. Pray for all of those who have had the opportunity to know and love her the way God intended us to do.
Thank you-
Have a Blessed Day-
Referee of 3
Referee of 3
Monday, May 8, 2017
Wednesday, November 30, 2016
He knows...
Warning-
Sappy Mom Post.
If you aren't interested in joining me for a good cry, turn back now.
This year seems strange. Good, but in a strange way. In the past, I've been extremely excited about the Holidays. I was grateful for an amazing Thanksgiving with my family. It was a great day with family and fantastic foods to be had. I usually spend the later half of the day gearing up for Black Friday (that has now turned into Thanksgiving evening), but for some reason, I just couldn't get going. I noticed the same for the friends that I shop with. We wandered around aimlessly and were happier on the way home than we were on the way out.
Weird.
Anyway, on Thanksgiving weekend, I always set up for Christmas. This year, I realized that I had gotten rid of our tree last year and we hadn't replaced it yet. No big deal...we just put off decorating for a week or so. However, it seems so strange without anything Christmas up yet.
Again, weird.
Finally, for the past two nights, our family has sat down to watch Christmas movies. Not something we've ever done in the past until just before Christmas. I think I wanted to get in the spirit without having to drag out all of the boxes and fight the Lab puppy for every ornament and strand of light, but honestly...who knows.
As we were watching Elf last night, Little turns to me and says..."Mom, I know."
I stared at him in a blind panic. "Know what?", I casually asked?
"I know...about...you know."
(This was during the part when Buddy is talking to Papa Elf about why people don't believe and what they could think was happening instead of the Big Guy bringing their presents.)
I laughed nervously as he grilled me for information and he just kept saying...I know.
I started with asking who told him.
Then I tried to lie to him again.
Then I blamed his Father. (just kidding)
Then...it happened. I couldn't even control it. I started crying...ugly crying...in front of the child who just confessed to me that he is a MUCH BIGGER KID now.
He sat and held my hand. He apologized a million times.
Yes. He apologized to me for my lying to him for ten years about the magic of Christmas.
I have to tell you people...this one hurt. I remember when Big confessed that he knew. I also remembering having a very serious conversation with Middle. But this...this is the real deal. He's my baby. He's my Little. He's the one who was supposed to never grow up...never stop believing...and never leave.
My heart.
I can't breathe.
I know, I'm being dramatic. It's my thing.
When I finally got it together, we finished watching our movie and then we talked. As I went to bed last night, I laid there thinking about how this all went down. And it hit me.
I need to share with him the magic of Christmas and teach him what we've all learned about sharing our enthusiasm about the Elf and Santa with the birth of Jesus. The magic of Christmas for me (since I found out so long ago) is the time I spend with the ones I love. The looks on their faces when they open a gift that I put time and effort into picking out just for them. The warm feeling. The music. The thought of the unconditional love that God has for us that he sent his son to us on this "magical" day we call Christmas. I pray that my children have the magic of Christmas in their hearts because of what they've learned from us about the TRUE meaning of Christmas. My parents taught my sister and I well. We KNOW and love the feeling of Christmas. And we know it has nothing to do with Ol' St. Nick. Even though I immensely enjoyed the act my parents put on for so long.
I know being sad about this is a thing. I called my Mom last night and I could hear the sadness in her voice as well.
Oh man...having kids is so hard.
Being a parent is so hard.
Thank goodness for Grace, Love, and good cookie dough.
If you've ever felt this way, punch in. I'm with you on the sadness. But, I'm also so thankful for the true magic of Christmas. Life moves on whether we are ready for it or not. So...like it or not, I'm moving too.
Have a blessed day!
Referee of 3...Big Boys
Sappy Mom Post.
If you aren't interested in joining me for a good cry, turn back now.
This year seems strange. Good, but in a strange way. In the past, I've been extremely excited about the Holidays. I was grateful for an amazing Thanksgiving with my family. It was a great day with family and fantastic foods to be had. I usually spend the later half of the day gearing up for Black Friday (that has now turned into Thanksgiving evening), but for some reason, I just couldn't get going. I noticed the same for the friends that I shop with. We wandered around aimlessly and were happier on the way home than we were on the way out.
Weird.
Anyway, on Thanksgiving weekend, I always set up for Christmas. This year, I realized that I had gotten rid of our tree last year and we hadn't replaced it yet. No big deal...we just put off decorating for a week or so. However, it seems so strange without anything Christmas up yet.
Again, weird.
Finally, for the past two nights, our family has sat down to watch Christmas movies. Not something we've ever done in the past until just before Christmas. I think I wanted to get in the spirit without having to drag out all of the boxes and fight the Lab puppy for every ornament and strand of light, but honestly...who knows.
As we were watching Elf last night, Little turns to me and says..."Mom, I know."
I stared at him in a blind panic. "Know what?", I casually asked?
"I know...about...you know."
(This was during the part when Buddy is talking to Papa Elf about why people don't believe and what they could think was happening instead of the Big Guy bringing their presents.)
I laughed nervously as he grilled me for information and he just kept saying...I know.
I started with asking who told him.
Then I tried to lie to him again.
Then I blamed his Father. (just kidding)
Then...it happened. I couldn't even control it. I started crying...ugly crying...in front of the child who just confessed to me that he is a MUCH BIGGER KID now.
He sat and held my hand. He apologized a million times.
Yes. He apologized to me for my lying to him for ten years about the magic of Christmas.
I have to tell you people...this one hurt. I remember when Big confessed that he knew. I also remembering having a very serious conversation with Middle. But this...this is the real deal. He's my baby. He's my Little. He's the one who was supposed to never grow up...never stop believing...and never leave.
My heart.
I can't breathe.
I know, I'm being dramatic. It's my thing.
When I finally got it together, we finished watching our movie and then we talked. As I went to bed last night, I laid there thinking about how this all went down. And it hit me.
I need to share with him the magic of Christmas and teach him what we've all learned about sharing our enthusiasm about the Elf and Santa with the birth of Jesus. The magic of Christmas for me (since I found out so long ago) is the time I spend with the ones I love. The looks on their faces when they open a gift that I put time and effort into picking out just for them. The warm feeling. The music. The thought of the unconditional love that God has for us that he sent his son to us on this "magical" day we call Christmas. I pray that my children have the magic of Christmas in their hearts because of what they've learned from us about the TRUE meaning of Christmas. My parents taught my sister and I well. We KNOW and love the feeling of Christmas. And we know it has nothing to do with Ol' St. Nick. Even though I immensely enjoyed the act my parents put on for so long.
I know being sad about this is a thing. I called my Mom last night and I could hear the sadness in her voice as well.
Oh man...having kids is so hard.
Being a parent is so hard.
Thank goodness for Grace, Love, and good cookie dough.
If you've ever felt this way, punch in. I'm with you on the sadness. But, I'm also so thankful for the true magic of Christmas. Life moves on whether we are ready for it or not. So...like it or not, I'm moving too.
Have a blessed day!
Referee of 3...Big Boys
Sunday, October 23, 2016
Life
Right now-we are in a season of life that brings constant confusion and chaos.
I want you to know as I am writing, I am thinking to myself that I wouldn't have it any other way. I actually feel like I if we didn't have constant chaos, something would be wrong.
We went to a birthday party yesterday and we were early. This (for anyone who knows me) is not something that happens often. We were fifteen minutes early AND we had our gift and card ready to go. As we sat in the parking lot, I asked Little how he felt. He said it felt good to be early. In fact, he said, "So this is what it feels like to be on time!"
He's so cute...when he isn't insulting me.
I get it. I understand how I'm the parent and they depend on me to be routined, organized, and on time. However, I wish sometimes our kids understood the workings of our inner minds. I like to refer to my brain as a file cabinet. Most people have nice, organized, neatly labeled files. Mine, is a cabinet that got tipped over and all the files are scattered on the floor.
Somehow-by the grace of God...we get most of the important stuff done. However, we slip up sometimes and things become stressful.
Last week, I felt like I was at an all time high for chaos. With my family, my job, my cheer team, and our up and coming fall conferences, I felt like I was going to lose something in the shuffle. I kept thinking to myself...there has to be more to this life than all this chaos.
When I was in high school, I was a waitress at Pizza Hut. I liked talking to people and enjoyed working with my friends. One time, I had a big party of guests who all ordered large drinks. I filled the drink order and walked carefully to the table. As I leaned down to set down one of the cups, I knocked one over and they all fell. From there, it seemed like life was moving in slow motion. Waves of water and soft drinks came splashing onto the table and all of the guests were soaked. I wanted to cry and remember waiting for the severe tongue lashing that would no doubt come from my customers, followed by my boss.
However-those words never came. I'm sure they were upset and frustrated that I tried to carry too many cups, but they never made me feel bad. Everyone was very understanding of the accident that happened. When we got them dried off and directed to a new table, I went back to the counter and filled their drinks again. This time, I took two trips. I made the adjustments necessary to be successful in that moment.
I think this happens a lot in life. We think we can do more than we actually can, so we load up our tray with anything that will "fit". Then, in the moment of delivery, something falls and the whole tray goes down.
I felt that way last week with our crazy, chaotic life. I couldn't figure out what was missing. And then it hit me.
I had filled my tray with so much, that I didn't leave room for God. When I realized what was missing, I knew I had to figure out how to make two trips. In just a few days time, I was able to add my devotion time back into my life, I spent time in prayer, and immediately had peace.
Sometimes when we are overwhelmed, we think we need to cut things out of our life. And this might be true at a point. However, sometimes you don't have to get rid of anything. You just have to prioritize what you have, make adjustments, and include God in those moments.
You would think at 38, I wouldn't have to keep re-learning these lessons.
I guess that is why we are life long learners. I'm so thankful for customers, bosses, family, and friends that understand when the tray of drinks comes crashing down.
Just food for thought.
Have a blessed day!
Referee of 3
I want you to know as I am writing, I am thinking to myself that I wouldn't have it any other way. I actually feel like I if we didn't have constant chaos, something would be wrong.
We went to a birthday party yesterday and we were early. This (for anyone who knows me) is not something that happens often. We were fifteen minutes early AND we had our gift and card ready to go. As we sat in the parking lot, I asked Little how he felt. He said it felt good to be early. In fact, he said, "So this is what it feels like to be on time!"
He's so cute...when he isn't insulting me.
I get it. I understand how I'm the parent and they depend on me to be routined, organized, and on time. However, I wish sometimes our kids understood the workings of our inner minds. I like to refer to my brain as a file cabinet. Most people have nice, organized, neatly labeled files. Mine, is a cabinet that got tipped over and all the files are scattered on the floor.
Somehow-by the grace of God...we get most of the important stuff done. However, we slip up sometimes and things become stressful.
Last week, I felt like I was at an all time high for chaos. With my family, my job, my cheer team, and our up and coming fall conferences, I felt like I was going to lose something in the shuffle. I kept thinking to myself...there has to be more to this life than all this chaos.
When I was in high school, I was a waitress at Pizza Hut. I liked talking to people and enjoyed working with my friends. One time, I had a big party of guests who all ordered large drinks. I filled the drink order and walked carefully to the table. As I leaned down to set down one of the cups, I knocked one over and they all fell. From there, it seemed like life was moving in slow motion. Waves of water and soft drinks came splashing onto the table and all of the guests were soaked. I wanted to cry and remember waiting for the severe tongue lashing that would no doubt come from my customers, followed by my boss.
However-those words never came. I'm sure they were upset and frustrated that I tried to carry too many cups, but they never made me feel bad. Everyone was very understanding of the accident that happened. When we got them dried off and directed to a new table, I went back to the counter and filled their drinks again. This time, I took two trips. I made the adjustments necessary to be successful in that moment.
I think this happens a lot in life. We think we can do more than we actually can, so we load up our tray with anything that will "fit". Then, in the moment of delivery, something falls and the whole tray goes down.
I felt that way last week with our crazy, chaotic life. I couldn't figure out what was missing. And then it hit me.
I had filled my tray with so much, that I didn't leave room for God. When I realized what was missing, I knew I had to figure out how to make two trips. In just a few days time, I was able to add my devotion time back into my life, I spent time in prayer, and immediately had peace.
Sometimes when we are overwhelmed, we think we need to cut things out of our life. And this might be true at a point. However, sometimes you don't have to get rid of anything. You just have to prioritize what you have, make adjustments, and include God in those moments.
You would think at 38, I wouldn't have to keep re-learning these lessons.
I guess that is why we are life long learners. I'm so thankful for customers, bosses, family, and friends that understand when the tray of drinks comes crashing down.
Just food for thought.
Have a blessed day!
Referee of 3
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
On the subject of cleaning...
When Big was a little guy, I can remember thinking...something is wrong with him. He was what I kindly referred to as a "toddler monster" with more energy than a herd of wild boars.
(What?)
Stay with me.
At one of his well child check ups, I distinctly remember asking the doctor if he could be tested for an attention deficit disorder. He was so full of energy...all the time...and I wasn't sure what to do about it. I can remember the doctor smiling and telling me they don't test for anything of the sort until kids were a little older because ALL toddlers have a short attention span and can't stay focused on anything without distractions.
I think the same should be said about parents...specifically-moms.
I have the hardest time cleaning my house. I don't know how to do it all at the same time. I don't know how to tunnel vision myself to the finish line. I always tell myself I'll get the house clean in a couple of hours if I just stay with it.
That is the issue. The "stay with it" part. I am quite certain I am missing the part of my brain that stays with anything for too long. Cleaning is no exception.
I start in the bathroom...yesterday people...this was yesterday. Today, I'm still not finished. I really haven't advanced much past...the bathroom. I did change our sheets, but in the process of changing the sheets, I realized I had laundry in both the washer and dryer. (ALWAYS) I re-started the wash and fluffed the clothes in the dryer. However...about the second I shut the door, I forgot they were in there and you can bet your silly self, I was washing them again today. Great googly moogly.
I did eventually finish the bathroom, but not all at once. I had lunch with a friend...picked up a kid from drivers education, had a fight with my oldest, blogged in the bathroom that was almost clean, and THEN finished the bathroom. I almost feel like I should throw myself a victory party. That thought lasts until I get to the kitchen. Darn it.
I start cleaning the kitchen, but have to put things away from the counters. I find a package of light bulbs that I bought because our room is half dark...so I decide I'll change the bulb really quick. From there, I take the old bulbs to the trash that is full...so I decide I'll take out the trash. When I'm outside at the trash can, I notice I haven't watered my flowers...so I water the flowers. As I'm watering the flowers, I remember that I was trying to clean the kitchen so I head back to the kitchen. On the way I notice that Wrigs has a bit of a rash on her belly and think...she should have a bath. Back to the clean bathroom we go.
Do you see what I mean? The kitchen STILL ISN'T CLEAN friends. Cabinet doors are wide open. The dishwasher is fully unloaded, but only partially loaded...all because I saw a pack of light bulbs.
I am incapable of finishing this daunting task of cleaning the whole house.
So...I've decided to chunk the work like I do assignments for my students. I'll chunk it and make a list of things I can do a little at a time. Fingers and toes crossed that this works and I'll have the house clean by Friday.
As I'm chunking the cleaning list I start thinking about the word chunks...and it makes me think of chunky chocolate chip ice cream. So...naturally, I head to the store.
Squirrel...
Referee of 3
(What?)
Stay with me.
At one of his well child check ups, I distinctly remember asking the doctor if he could be tested for an attention deficit disorder. He was so full of energy...all the time...and I wasn't sure what to do about it. I can remember the doctor smiling and telling me they don't test for anything of the sort until kids were a little older because ALL toddlers have a short attention span and can't stay focused on anything without distractions.
I think the same should be said about parents...specifically-moms.
I have the hardest time cleaning my house. I don't know how to do it all at the same time. I don't know how to tunnel vision myself to the finish line. I always tell myself I'll get the house clean in a couple of hours if I just stay with it.
That is the issue. The "stay with it" part. I am quite certain I am missing the part of my brain that stays with anything for too long. Cleaning is no exception.
I start in the bathroom...yesterday people...this was yesterday. Today, I'm still not finished. I really haven't advanced much past...the bathroom. I did change our sheets, but in the process of changing the sheets, I realized I had laundry in both the washer and dryer. (ALWAYS) I re-started the wash and fluffed the clothes in the dryer. However...about the second I shut the door, I forgot they were in there and you can bet your silly self, I was washing them again today. Great googly moogly.
I did eventually finish the bathroom, but not all at once. I had lunch with a friend...picked up a kid from drivers education, had a fight with my oldest, blogged in the bathroom that was almost clean, and THEN finished the bathroom. I almost feel like I should throw myself a victory party. That thought lasts until I get to the kitchen. Darn it.
I start cleaning the kitchen, but have to put things away from the counters. I find a package of light bulbs that I bought because our room is half dark...so I decide I'll change the bulb really quick. From there, I take the old bulbs to the trash that is full...so I decide I'll take out the trash. When I'm outside at the trash can, I notice I haven't watered my flowers...so I water the flowers. As I'm watering the flowers, I remember that I was trying to clean the kitchen so I head back to the kitchen. On the way I notice that Wrigs has a bit of a rash on her belly and think...she should have a bath. Back to the clean bathroom we go.
Do you see what I mean? The kitchen STILL ISN'T CLEAN friends. Cabinet doors are wide open. The dishwasher is fully unloaded, but only partially loaded...all because I saw a pack of light bulbs.
I am incapable of finishing this daunting task of cleaning the whole house.
So...I've decided to chunk the work like I do assignments for my students. I'll chunk it and make a list of things I can do a little at a time. Fingers and toes crossed that this works and I'll have the house clean by Friday.
As I'm chunking the cleaning list I start thinking about the word chunks...and it makes me think of chunky chocolate chip ice cream. So...naturally, I head to the store.
Squirrel...
Referee of 3
Monday, June 13, 2016
Just a couple of things....
Hi all. I know-it's been awhile. I've been really busy trying to find my kitchen and attending baseball tournaments. I have an amazing front tan and my kitchen counter is stacked with dishes and anything we are trying to keep from our lab, Wrigley.
I must warn you...this is a post about real life. I've recently discovered that it is hard.
H-A-R-D.
I'm frustrated and currently sitting on the bathroom floor eating cookie dough and drinking a large water from sonic. Yes...water. I wanted a diet coke, but I was afraid I'd go in to sugar shock in my fragile state and I didn't want anyone to get hurt.
Lord have mercy...life can be hard.
Swimsuits-
Swimsuit shopping is dumb. Actually...swimsuits are dumb. Why can't we just swim in t-shirts and shorts? Why did swimsuits become so "body showy" and stuff? Why do we have to lower ourselves every year to a moment on a dressing room floor laughing so hard you have tears because you need a new top to give you the courage to get on a pool chair or floatie? WHY? Why do stretch marks exist? What is cellulite and was God mad at me when he made my legs? I mean...come on? I've been running and I think the only thing it did was make some of those sweet dimples roll around to the front side of my legs. WHAT IN THE WORLD?
Teenagers-
I love my children. More than my own life. But I don't understand what happens when they reach a certain age. Do they stop thinking with their brains? Do they lose brain cells when they sleep? Why can't they be considerate of our feelings? Why are all of our rules dumb and how did they become so smart? They know everything and I am apparently a walking idiot who lives to make their lives miserable because I ask them to take out the trash and respond to text messages. Why is it okay to have whole uneaten slices of pizza on plates in your room for days? What is it exactly that keeps them from finishing milk in cups and taking the cups to the kitchen? Their days are filled with snapping and selfies and NOT listening to their parents. FOR THE LOVE!!!
Friends-
I am so thankful for my friends. The older you get, the more you need good friends. The kind that will take your tornado of a life and embrace it with you. They know that your pictures on social media are the highlight reel and they understand why you don't post the bad stuff. They know about it all...they pray for you...they talk you through it with cookie dough, cupcakes, coffee and wine...and they love you anyway. (They also never refer to the above said cookie dough, cupcake, coffee and wine when they are on the floor of the swimsuit dressing room as you curse your cellulite) Whenever I think I'm in a bad place and that we are abnormal, God brings me to a conversation with one of my best friends that helps me see how VERY NORMAL WE ALL ARE. Let me tell you friends...if you think you are alone in these battles (swimsuit, teenager, marriage issues, etc.) you are not. Do you hear me? YOU ARE NOT ALONE. We are all in this together. None of us are all squeaky clean, happy families without the occasional blow up. VERY FEW of us have our houses party ready at all times. EVEN FEWER of us look amazing in a swimsuit and even those who do, doubt themselves. We all struggle in so many ways and if we didn't have each other to fall on...not lean, but FALL on...we'd be in big trouble. We are happy, sad, and angry. We are hurting, healing, and learning constantly how to deal with the place we are in life. We are right, wrong, and confused. We are sensitive, tough, and somewhere in between. We love, hate, and forgive. We laugh, cry, and sometimes just feel numb. We are human and these things are all very normal. I once saw an article about the difference between empathy and sympathy. Sympathy is being sorry for someone who is in a bad place. Maybe even saying sorry and giving them a pep talk about all the great things present in life. But empathy...empathy is where it's at. Empathy is getting in the trenches with people. Empathy says...be whatever...whoever you are and I'm here with you in whatever place you're in. Because I love you that much.
Maybe...life isn't as hard as it sometimes seems.
Maybe...I'll put down the cookie dough and go talk to my teenagers.
Maybe...I'll even call my Mom and apologize to her for my teenage years.
If you've ever had a moment like this...and you've sat in your closet eating cookie dough and trying to figure your next strategic move with a teenager...punch in.
Thanks for keeping it real with me-
Referee of 3
I must warn you...this is a post about real life. I've recently discovered that it is hard.
H-A-R-D.
I'm frustrated and currently sitting on the bathroom floor eating cookie dough and drinking a large water from sonic. Yes...water. I wanted a diet coke, but I was afraid I'd go in to sugar shock in my fragile state and I didn't want anyone to get hurt.
Lord have mercy...life can be hard.
Swimsuits-
Swimsuit shopping is dumb. Actually...swimsuits are dumb. Why can't we just swim in t-shirts and shorts? Why did swimsuits become so "body showy" and stuff? Why do we have to lower ourselves every year to a moment on a dressing room floor laughing so hard you have tears because you need a new top to give you the courage to get on a pool chair or floatie? WHY? Why do stretch marks exist? What is cellulite and was God mad at me when he made my legs? I mean...come on? I've been running and I think the only thing it did was make some of those sweet dimples roll around to the front side of my legs. WHAT IN THE WORLD?
Teenagers-
I love my children. More than my own life. But I don't understand what happens when they reach a certain age. Do they stop thinking with their brains? Do they lose brain cells when they sleep? Why can't they be considerate of our feelings? Why are all of our rules dumb and how did they become so smart? They know everything and I am apparently a walking idiot who lives to make their lives miserable because I ask them to take out the trash and respond to text messages. Why is it okay to have whole uneaten slices of pizza on plates in your room for days? What is it exactly that keeps them from finishing milk in cups and taking the cups to the kitchen? Their days are filled with snapping and selfies and NOT listening to their parents. FOR THE LOVE!!!
Friends-
I am so thankful for my friends. The older you get, the more you need good friends. The kind that will take your tornado of a life and embrace it with you. They know that your pictures on social media are the highlight reel and they understand why you don't post the bad stuff. They know about it all...they pray for you...they talk you through it with cookie dough, cupcakes, coffee and wine...and they love you anyway. (They also never refer to the above said cookie dough, cupcake, coffee and wine when they are on the floor of the swimsuit dressing room as you curse your cellulite) Whenever I think I'm in a bad place and that we are abnormal, God brings me to a conversation with one of my best friends that helps me see how VERY NORMAL WE ALL ARE. Let me tell you friends...if you think you are alone in these battles (swimsuit, teenager, marriage issues, etc.) you are not. Do you hear me? YOU ARE NOT ALONE. We are all in this together. None of us are all squeaky clean, happy families without the occasional blow up. VERY FEW of us have our houses party ready at all times. EVEN FEWER of us look amazing in a swimsuit and even those who do, doubt themselves. We all struggle in so many ways and if we didn't have each other to fall on...not lean, but FALL on...we'd be in big trouble. We are happy, sad, and angry. We are hurting, healing, and learning constantly how to deal with the place we are in life. We are right, wrong, and confused. We are sensitive, tough, and somewhere in between. We love, hate, and forgive. We laugh, cry, and sometimes just feel numb. We are human and these things are all very normal. I once saw an article about the difference between empathy and sympathy. Sympathy is being sorry for someone who is in a bad place. Maybe even saying sorry and giving them a pep talk about all the great things present in life. But empathy...empathy is where it's at. Empathy is getting in the trenches with people. Empathy says...be whatever...whoever you are and I'm here with you in whatever place you're in. Because I love you that much.
Maybe...life isn't as hard as it sometimes seems.
Maybe...I'll put down the cookie dough and go talk to my teenagers.
Maybe...I'll even call my Mom and apologize to her for my teenage years.
If you've ever had a moment like this...and you've sat in your closet eating cookie dough and trying to figure your next strategic move with a teenager...punch in.
Thanks for keeping it real with me-
Referee of 3
Thursday, March 17, 2016
I've Forgotten How To Pray
It's true.
It seems strange because I used to be pretty good at it, but it seems somehow...the noise of life has gotten in the way...and I've forgotten how to pray. I've forgotten the benefits of having that one on one connection with God.
I say that I need to pray all of the time.
I even used to post that I was praying on facebook. And I TRIED to pray. I really did. If someone was in need, I bowed my head and said a short prayer for that need...and then that was it.
Over the past year...or even two, we as a family have experienced some changes. Growing pains much like those of anyone else with teenagers and a lengthy marriage, but changes none the less. During that time, I've noticed an increase in anxiety and a decrease in peace. I have tried everything from reading self help books to calming teas and oils. Life has become very chaotic and I just couldn't figure out what was missing. We started going to a new church that seemed to fit our family's needs quite well. We were very present and accounted for each week, and I even took extensive notes to help me continue throughout the week with the thoughts of the message. Good stuff...good, good stuff (as an old friend used to tell me). However...I was still anxious and lacking peace of mind
I'm not that dumb...I thought to myself as I read this morning's devotion. Right? I'm not that foolish that I would be missing something as simple as prayer in my life. Right?
WRONG.
So...so...so...wrong. I HAVE been missing prayer. I've been missing the direct connection with God in my life. When everything else has gone haywire (and believe me...it has), I tried everything, but talking with the one who is bigger than everything. I (once again) thought that I was in control and that I was responsible for the happenings in my life...both good and bad. You'd think I was new to all of this.
As a result, I sat down this morning and prayed. I prayed for a long time...about everything I could think of. It was not easy as my mind was clouded and distracted. Like everything in life, I think I need to practice good prayer habits and focus on training myself to pray.
BUT I PRAYED.
And I guess what I'm saying is...that is a start.
I forgot how to pray...and then suddenly, God helped me remember.
Have a good one!
Referee of 3
It seems strange because I used to be pretty good at it, but it seems somehow...the noise of life has gotten in the way...and I've forgotten how to pray. I've forgotten the benefits of having that one on one connection with God.
I say that I need to pray all of the time.
I even used to post that I was praying on facebook. And I TRIED to pray. I really did. If someone was in need, I bowed my head and said a short prayer for that need...and then that was it.
Over the past year...or even two, we as a family have experienced some changes. Growing pains much like those of anyone else with teenagers and a lengthy marriage, but changes none the less. During that time, I've noticed an increase in anxiety and a decrease in peace. I have tried everything from reading self help books to calming teas and oils. Life has become very chaotic and I just couldn't figure out what was missing. We started going to a new church that seemed to fit our family's needs quite well. We were very present and accounted for each week, and I even took extensive notes to help me continue throughout the week with the thoughts of the message. Good stuff...good, good stuff (as an old friend used to tell me). However...I was still anxious and lacking peace of mind
I'm not that dumb...I thought to myself as I read this morning's devotion. Right? I'm not that foolish that I would be missing something as simple as prayer in my life. Right?
WRONG.
So...so...so...wrong. I HAVE been missing prayer. I've been missing the direct connection with God in my life. When everything else has gone haywire (and believe me...it has), I tried everything, but talking with the one who is bigger than everything. I (once again) thought that I was in control and that I was responsible for the happenings in my life...both good and bad. You'd think I was new to all of this.
As a result, I sat down this morning and prayed. I prayed for a long time...about everything I could think of. It was not easy as my mind was clouded and distracted. Like everything in life, I think I need to practice good prayer habits and focus on training myself to pray.
BUT I PRAYED.
And I guess what I'm saying is...that is a start.
I forgot how to pray...and then suddenly, God helped me remember.
Have a good one!
Referee of 3
Thursday, March 10, 2016
His Hands
I think the confusion comes when you think you are putting others first, only to realize you've loaded your life with so many others that you don't tend to the ones who really matter. Which is where the figuring out what matters part comes in.
I've seen many people come and go in my life. I've been apart of several amazing organizations, clubs, groups, working environments
church and faith families, etc. I know myself well enough to know these things are usually temporary and I find myself jumping in head first and then eventually working my way out of them completely. I do this because I've already said yes to something else that I think deserves my attention, not because I no longer care about that thing, person, or group.
This is the tricky part. I have convinced myself that I'm doing "good" when I'm actually leaving a trail of hurt and confusion behind me. How does this happen? I would assume that Satan has a pretty big hand in things, but also, no one wants to admit their selfishness and inattentive ways. It is hurtful and upsetting to think that you could be that someone.
There are a few loyal companions who know me and love me for who I am. There are a few family members who love me unconditionally and would never dream of leaving me behind. But there are others who have come and gone. That saddens me because I would never mean to be neglectful and selfish. I don't think anyone ever does. For some people, an over active lifestyle clouds your judgment and vision for what is right and true. I'm one of those some people. I've recently realized that I'm also raising one of those people. I've seen these behaviors in one of my children and it is amazing what you can see in yourself when someone mimics your actions and thoughts. I can see that he'd never "mean" to hurt anyone. I can see that he is confused by the expectations of others. I have seen the trail he occasionally leaves behind him when he is being selfish...I've even been left in the dust myself.
When you see yourself from the perspective of others in someone you love, it changes you. Why is that? I'm guessing God has a bigger hand in that than Satan. God has pretty big hands you know. 😊
So...what now? Reflection. Prayer. Spending time in the word. Making sure that my moments count and that the ones in them feel valued and needed. Lessen the load of "friends" and "followers" and focus on what means the most.
Here's to the first day of the rest of this crazy life. ❤️
Have a blessed day!
Referee of 3
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