Last Time for Everything

If you can't be in an extremely vulnerable emotional state...turn back now.

The title should be enough to warn you, but consider yourself warned again.

Tonight is the first "last" event of Brett's Senior year.  He's my Big.  He's the baby I had when I turned 21 and thought I was a really good Mom.  I had no idea what I was doing (as any new mom would tell you), but somehow we managed to get him to "almost 18".

After losing our Nana a few months ago, we decided that we had felt true sadness.  We lost someone who loved our boys as much (if not more) than we do.  The sadness comes and goes, but it is what we call true and real and awful sadness.

Brett going through all of his "lasts" of his Senior year isn't a sadness for me.  However, I feel emotions that I can't really call anything other than sad.

Clear as mud, right?

Stay with me.

As Steve and I were helping put stickers on helmets this morning and watching the new video for the football team, we both got teary.  What the heck!  I am NOT sad.  You read that up there, right?  I'm not sad, I'm not sad, I'm not sad.

But I'm sad.

I'm so excited for him and for what is to come for our family, but change is hard.  And for me...the expectation and anticipation of change is even worse!  All of the "what ifs" and the "have we done it right" conversations floating through my head are enough to put all of us on the closet floor with ice cream and cookie dough.

The new song by Brad Paisley-Last Time for Everything...is...the...worst.  I cannot listen to it without falling apart.  Why?  I'm not sad-right?  So why would a song about change and the last time, and focusing on the moment be sad?

BECAUSE IT IS PEOPLE!

And I'm eating my words as I type.  I'm sad.  I'm scared.  I want to run and hide and take my babies with me.  The sweet, little, freckled face boy that used to sit on my lap and tell me stories and...and...and...is growing up and I can't stop it no matter how hard I try.  Can I tie your shoes?  Can I make you mac and cheese?  Can I take you to practice?

Lord-have mercy.

However-I realize when we had these babies, that they would grow up.  I just didn't know how hard it would be.  There are a lot of things I want to ask God when I get to heaven and why there isn't a book that explicitly tells you of the pain you'll feel raising children when they are delivered is one of them.  Perhaps he doesn't share that information because no one in their right mind would put themselves through the highs and the lows of parenting.

I just keep telling myself that every time I worry and cry-every time I celebrate and pray for my kids...God is too.  And the he's doing it for me as I go through this time of joy/sadness/madness.

One set of footprints sister.  One.

There is a last time for everything.  It's true.  The best advice I can give right now is to be in the moment.  You never know when it will be the last time for what you are doing.  The hug, the conversation, the football game, the trips for coffee with friends, etc., etc., etc.  Just embrace the times you have in every way.

Tonight-we will go to the last "first" football game for Big and another year of football for Middle and Little.   We will all survive and the change will be good.  Change means we are alive.  Change doesn't mean we have to immediately accept it or pretend we are fine.  It means that in the moments when we aren't fine, those who love us will show us grace and let us eat whatever we want on the closet floor knowing we'll recover.

Because that is what we do.

We are parents.  

Punch in parents who are in a completely chaotic emotional and mental state because you have a change in your life that you cannot control and want to pretend you are fine.  Boom.

Happy Friday!

Referee of 3