Limited Exposure

When I was in the fourth grade, a friend of mine had a slumber party.  I was so excited to go and couldn't wait for that night.  One of the items on the agenda was to watch a scary movie.  It was a movie featuring the scary character Michael Myers and I was terrified.  I tried so hard to sit and watch the movie.  I wanted to scream and act silly with my friends, but I just kept thinking...could this really happen?  This event started a stream of reoccurring nightmares for me that included a werewolf and a headless horseman.  Weird, I know.  

I remember calling my mom and telling her what was happening.  I can't remember exactly, but I am pretty sure she came and picked me up.  I think I maybe told the story that I wasn't feeling well.  Probably from eating too many malted milk balls which had happened at another party, but that is a story for another day.  Let's just say my inability to limit myself on sweet treats started long before now.  

Anyway, this fear of scary movies continued for the next several years.  At some point in my 6th grade year, I was told by someone at school that I should go see the movie Cape Fear for my birthday.  Being the extremely "cool" and know it all person that I thought I was, I suggested this to my parents.  Keep in mind before you begin judging them hardcore for letting me see this movie at my age, this was the time before movie trailers on social media and such.  Other than the rating, they really didn't know what this movie was about.  It also starred Robert Di Nero, Nick Nolte, and Jessica Lange.  So I'm sure they decided it HAD to be decent.  

Decent it was not.  

About twenty minutes into the movie, we quickly exited the movie theater as a family due to some disturbing scenes that TO THIS DAY, I can see in my head.  It became a core memory and I am really wishing I hadn't seen those things.  I know that this moment in time shaped my dislike for any kind of realistic fiction that includes scary and disturbing things.  I cannot watch those movies, read those books, or be exposed to those conversations without having many sleepless nights and concerned days.  

As an adult, I am now aware of the things that cause me to feel this way so I choose not to expose myself to them.  I want and need to be at peace.  This is important to me.  I surround myself with entertainment that doesn't cause me to be concerned, sad, scared, or angry.  Disney movies?  Yes, please.  

Why should life be any different? 

Lately I feel like Satan is working overtime.  A certain circumstance that happened a couple of weeks ago caused me to be full of anxiety and fear.  I was completely consumed by the source and kept going back to see what would be happening next, thinking I was in control of the outcome of someone else's actions.  I cried.  I talked to friends.  I got angry.  I even took my anger out on people who may or may not have anything to do with the situation.  

I was trying to control something that cannot be controlled.  I finally began to pray about what was causing me to feel so anxious and out of control and it finally occurred to me that I was allowing this to happen by exposing myself to something I know brought me pain, sadness, and anxiety.  

When this became clear to me, I decided to treat this situation like I did those scary movies from my past.  

I limited my exposure.  

And more than that, I expanded my exposure to my bible app, my bible, prayerful conversations with God, and changed the culture of the time I spent with people I love.  I repeated "Get Behind Me Satan" over and over until I could feel him move out of the way.  

The truth is that someone told me long ago that conflict with people or difficult situations stand directly in the way of your path to God.  Hate, dislike, distrust, misunderstanding, etc.,...they are simply obstacles in the path.  I have to find a way to give up that desire to "fix" and "control" these things and let God work to move them from my path.  

When I was a kid, I wanted to fit in so badly that I kept trying to give scary movies a try.  Every time, I had the same result.  I was scared and unsettled for days on end.  Finally, I decided that scary movies weren't for me and I haven't looked back. 

Some of my best friends love scary movies.  They watch documentaries that would keep me up at night.  They read books that my brain simply can't handle.  But...that is what works for them.  And I can respect that.  We don't all have the same opinions about scary movies, people, or life circumstances.  And that is okay.  

I used to think that everyone should hate scary movies because of the way they affected me.  But the truth is,  that is a "me" thing and I have to respect that my circumstance isn't that of everyone else.  My perspective isn't the same as others and that is okay.  

Perhaps you need to limit your exposure to something to give you peace?  

Food for thought.  

Hugs,

Amy

Life These Days

 Do you ever have those days when you wake up and just feel sad?  

Today is one of those days for me.  I don't know exactly why, but I am just going to go with it.  I can attribute it to one (or more) of the following factors.  

1.  We have ONE episode left of Ted Lasso.  Steve and I started this show at the beginning of the summer and we have slowly worked our way through the series.  We have one episode left.  I'm completely and hopelessly invested in this show and these characters.  My heart breaks with a little bit of each one and then it explodes with goodness at the same time.  This show and my emotions connected to it parallel nicely with life.  

2.  One of the BEST things to ever happen to our family happened this summer and I just can't believe it came and went so quickly.  Brett and Shae got married and to say it was perfect is simply an understatement.  Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that the union of my children would out-do my very own emotions of my wedding day.  I can simply say this.  When I married Steve, at that point, it was the best day of our lives.  This coming September, we will have been married for 25 years.  In those 25 years, we've had some stuff.  And when I say that, I mean, WE HAVE HAD SOME STUFF.  The best advice I received from my mom during those tough times was this...

One day, you'll be sitting at the wedding of your children and you'll want to be sitting next to him.  You'll want to have that moment to share together.  

And she was right.  Holding his hand while we both cried when the kids got married was probably one of the most amazing realizations I've had in my life.  

Moms...they just always know.  

3.  Ryn-y Boo turned one this summer.  One year with the best job in the whole world (aside from being a Mom).  I didn't think I could love anyone like I love that child.  He fills us with the most amazing joy.  He loves his Papa and I think secretly that is because Jerry and Sue had a chat with God telling him that the baby has to like the Papa best because he has some pretty big holes in his heart and he needed them filled with the love only Ryn could give.  

And I'm simply okay with that.  

4.  I'm changing jobs.  I'm overwhelmed and excited and scared and all the things.  I am not writing that eloquently because I'm being honest and that is what my brain looks like in true honesty.  I have had ten classes of students that I loved with ALL OF MY HEART.  I look through pictures often to remember what they've all taught me.  If you have been a student of mine, you are in for life.  I love you.  I'll always love you.  I hope you learned to love school, but more than that, I hope you learned to love others like family and to live a life of love.  

I will still be working with kids, but it's different.  It makes me sad and excited and that is okay.  

5.  Tanner will be heading back to Manhattan in a week or so and my heart is about to shatter into a million pieces.  This is something life will never quite prepare you for.  They come and they go.  They come and they stay, and then they go again.  Then...eventually...they go.  They move their things out and they do amazing things with the life God has given them.  And you...stay.  You wait for them to call you when they need you.  You sit and think of the times when they were little.  You pray for their hearts and their minds and their souls and their future partners.  You hope you were able to teach them as much as you were supposed to before they go and learn from life.  

This is a struggle every August.  

And so I am sad today.  

Life can be so curvy at times.  When we look into the future, we hope for straight paths and clear views.  We hope life looks like driving through Western Kansas.  Straight and Flat.  

This summer, when I was in Missouri for a gathering, the roads were anything but straight.  My view was blocked by thick, unending trees.  It was really scary to drive there because I couldn't see what was around the bend.  I longed for the roads with sky from left to right-where I could drive and see for miles and miles.  I love that path because it is safe.  I know what is coming.  I can see the future for miles and miles.  

However, life isn't really like that.  And you know what?

I actually kind of liked the curvy roads surrounded by trees because it was fun.  It was adventurous and gave me a thrill in my stomach that as an adult, I don't let myself feel very often-because I am scared.  What if something goes wrong?  What if I miss my turn?  (Which I did several times in Missouri) What if it takes me longer to get where I'm going because I can't see the path?  What if I don't like it when I get there?  

And then I remembered my faith.  

When I'm on a flat, straight road and can see the path, I don't need God as much.  (or so I think)  When I'm winding around a path that diminishes my visibility, I need him.  I need to rely on him.  I need to trust that it will all be okay...even if I miss a turn.  

This summer has been a wonderful, curvy and winding path.  And today, looking back, it makes me feel a little sad that it is over, a little scared at where we are going, and a little grateful for all we've been through.  

So I'll let myself feel all the feelings and let God decide if the rest of the year will look like Western Kansas or Missouri.   

Path and sight unseen by me, but always known by God.  

Friendship Peaks and Valleys

 Lately I have seen a number of Facebook, Instagram, Tik Tok posts regarding friendship.  I have read many books regarding the art of friendship and I have experienced several of the situations talked about in these posts and chapters.  

I will say this once and I could say it one thousand times over.  Friendships can be hard.  If anyone tells you they aren't meant to be hard or they shouldn't be, perhaps they aren't the kind of people who stick it out for the long haul.  

Hear me out.  

I know several people who have seen friendships that they thought were rock solid, go by the wayside lately.  People who feel excluded, less than, left out, and more.  This kind of change in relationship can leave a person wondering what they did wrong or what happened.  They question things they said or times when they were together.  They over analyze all of the things from phone calls, conversations, text messages, etc.  I know because I have been there.  

But...what if it isn't about you.  

Let that sink in for a minute.  What if the change in relationship isn't about something you did at all?  What if that person is dealing with something...or many things...that are causing them to act differently.  So differently that they don't even recognize themselves.  

And furthermore...what if who you are in these very moments when you feel the most disconnected and distant, is who you are meant to be for them right now.  

What if you relaxed and stopped wondering what you did wrong and understand that you didn't do anything wrong.  That you did and are continuing to do all the things right by loving them from afar.

What if you patiently wait until that person needs you in a different capacity and WHAT IF...you're still there when they do?  

That is friendship.  That is the kind of person we all need in our lives.  Someone who knows their worth and doesn't question it when we are in the valleys of our friendships.  It takes confidence.  It takes understanding.  It takes unconditional love.  It takes loving like Jesus.  He understands because we often become distant from him.  When things in life start to crumble or get tough, we either lean in or we walk away.  But he's always there when we come back.  When we are ready.  He's always the one who knows what we need.  

In this one life where we are living to be a reflection of his love, why do friendships get excluded from that?  So your bestie isn't your bestie anymore.  So your friend is hanging out with other people and you don't get the invite.  So you are home alone on a Saturday night wondering what everyone else is doing and wondering why you didn't get an invite.  

What if you BELIEVE that your bestie will always be someone you connected with in a special way at one time and just might again.  What if you were happy that your friend found other people in her life that she connects with in a special way.  What if you not getting the invite is because you aren't supposed to be in those moments and that isn't because you don't deserve to or don't measure up, but because your path in this season of life looks different than hers.  You aren't less than.  You aren't unimportant.  You are right where you are supposed to be and so is she or so are they.  

Get out of your head.  Go call someone to do something fun.  Make a new friend.  Learn a new hobby.  Try something to take your mind off of losing a friendship.  Because the truth is, you didn't.  You are just letting them have the space that sometimes friendships need.  

Know that in the right timing...that doesn't have anything to do with you...you'll be with the people you are supposed to be with and will be right where you belong.  

Don't close the door on those friendships.  Don't be "sad because they are over".  Be thankful that they were in your life and BE THERE when they are ready to be again.  

What a reunion that will be when you get together again and you don't hold a grudge for life happening just as it should.  

Right?  

Creating

This year, I have challenged myself to live a life of creativity.  

Creating can be so many things.  I have always been afraid of crafts.  I am not very good at crafts following directions.  Projects, much like recipies, have specific ingredients, materials, and systematic directions.  I can buy the ingredients or materials...NO PROBLEM.  Buying things is one of my gifts.  It is the systematic and sequential directions that give me trouble.  

As a creator, it occurred to me that I need to be able to create things that require less "step by step" instruction and more room to create.  I think this is why I like making rugs.  I had to follow directions to get started and truthfully, I have to follow a pattern in order to make it work, but there is some wiggle room as to how I want it to look.  I can creatively try diffferent materials and patterns and the end result is unlike anything I've seen.  It is something that can be done while watching television or visiting with friends and that I truly love.  I follow several people on Tik Tok who turn entire living spaces into beautiful creations.  That takes power tools and know how.  Two things of which I do not have.  That will have to wait.  

I also love creating writing.  I love to write blog posts, devotions, and recently have taken up writing poetry.  I love the way my mind puts words into motion.  Sometimes my mind cannot put my body into motion, but it does have a way with words.  This is also a gift and I am so proud of the words that somehow come to fruition from my thoughts.  If you know me at all and have watched my mind process slowly, this comes as a surprise to you.  To be honest, my words surprise me as well.  

I am learning to create calming spaces in my home by removing some of the unneccesary clutter.  I honestly think creating can be as simple as cleaning the kitchen or clearing your laundry room of clothes that need to be put away.  By doing those things, I'm creating a space that feels good for all of us.  

I am learning to create meals with my husband.  Cooking together is fun because we can laugh and be together while doing this.  Our space is small and we get a little territorial.  To be honest, he is a better cook than I am and I enjoy eating the meals he prepares.  When he has an off-season, I learn to depend on his presense.  I enjoy visiting with him after school and having his friendship.  He is not so good at the Starbucks and coffee runs, but I have someone for that.  I love creating new things with him because it helps me see that our future will be full of these moments.  Our kids are almost grown and as scary as that is to think about, I love learning new things that we can do together.  He loves game shows.  I love puzzles.  We love cooking together.  It occurs to me that we are getting older and are complete nerds.  I kind of love this.  

Finally, I love to create music.  I have always loved to sing.  I love it with all of my heart.  For a long time, I think I thought that in order to create music, there had to be someone to hear my song.  I sang at church for many years.  I sang at weddings and even a few funerals.  Unfortunately, my voice isn't as strong as it used to be and neither is my emotional stability.  My parents have always been my biggest supporters and loved hearing me sing.  I love hearing my parents sing as well.  Singing has been part of who I am for my entire life, but I felt like if I wasn't singing on stage, I wasn't singing for a purpose.  I am learning that I can use my voice to create song and even if Jesus is the only one who hears me, I am still singing and creating.  I sing to Ryn when no one is around.  We sing a lot of You Are My Sunshine because he truly is our Sun and we live for his warmth.  I am currently singing in my car to Taylor Swift's Midnights album as often as I can and I still get the words wrong.  That is also one of my gifts.  You can't win them all.  

Each day when I sit down to fill in my habit tracker, creating is marked complete.  I feel a sense of accomplishment doing this because it helps me to see that even though I am making a conscious effort to create now, I have honestly been doing it all along.  

This year, I have challenged myself to live a life of creativity.  What will you create?  

Referee of 3

When The Curtain Closes

 When I was in high school, I stumbled upon drama and theater.  The memories I made from being part of the plays and musicals will always be some of my very favorite.  I loved every minute of being part of the alternate lifestyle of the characters I played.  

If you asked my family, they might add that I've always had a flair for the dramatic.  Learning to be someone completely different than who I really am was a fantastic escape from the pressures of my real life.  

We spent countless hours rehearsing for our big show.  We went over and over our lines and our songs until it was time for opening night.  The lights went out, the curtains went up, and the show went on.  We spent months preparing for something amazing that we knew would be over in three short nights.  

But we did it anyway.  

We knew it wouldn't last.  We knew all that we put into making that show perfect wouldn't be around forever, but we did it anyway.  When the show was over, the props and scenery were put away.  The make-up we wore came off and the costumes were hung up for the next show.  The curtains came down and the lights went up.  

That was it.  

What once was a crowded room full of people, laughter and tears was now an empty space filled with silence.  If you closed your eyes and listened hard enough, you could see it all happening in your mind.  The show was over, but the memories and the feelings would go on forever.  I'm so thankful for those memories. 

After we lost Grandpa last fall, Granny made the decision to live in a facility.  This meant that mom and her brother were left with the exhausting job of going through their parent's belongings and preparing the house to sell.  

This has been an emotionally taxing experience for all of us.  I won't tell all of the details as some things you just have to experience for yourself.  What I will share is how I thought this was very similar to my memories of being in theater.  

We've spent countless hours in the home of my grandparents.  We were lucky enough to have my Grandpa for 95 years and my Granny is still with us.  We are a family that spent EVERY holiday together and I mean that.  We had wonderful dinners, birthday parties, anniversaries, and more in that very house.  We gathered as a family and spent time together more often than not.  

As our family has worked to prepare the house to sell, we find ourselves closing the curtain on this show.  We are putting away the props and scenery, taking off the make-up, hanging up the costumes. And what an amazing show it has been.  There has been more laughter than I can explain and more tears than I want to remember.  

We knew it would come to an end.  It always does.  Yet...if given the chance to live every minute of it over again, we would.  Without a doubt, we would.  

It is my hope as we all move in the direction of new traditions, that we create a "show" as great as the one we've lived with our amazing grandparents and their adventures.  We've learned more from them and from being together than I fully understand and I pray I can give that to my own family.  

As the belongings are auctioned off, our hearts hurt.  As the house sells to another family, we are sad. We know the beauty that house has to offer its new owner and we hope they can feel the love upon entering.  The curtains are going down for the last time.  But if we close our eyes and listen hard enough, we can see it all happening in our memories.  

Living this out with these people has been the best role of my life.  I'm so thankful I was selected to be in this show.  And as they say in show business, the show must go on.  So on we go.  

Amy

Choices

 When I was a kid, I can vividly remember sitting at the dinner table alone.  Not because we did not sit down as a family and eat dinner, but because I was the last one to finish eating.  I am a very slow eater, but generally, my pace was credited to Mom's goulash or frozen mixed vegetables.  

Even today, I can't even.  

I still don't love mixed vegetables, but goulash I can sort of stomach.  My main question for goulash makers is why no cheese? Cheese makes everything seem better.  Poor goulash.  Just noodles and tomatoes and such.  It's sad really.  

Anyway-on Goulash night, I'd be given two choices.  

1.  Eat the dinner.

2.  Go to bed when the timer went off.  

You see, when everyone else was finished at the dinner table, Mom would set the dreaded oven timer.  When the oven timer went off, if the food wasn't gone, it was a fate worse than death.  

STRAIGHT TO BED.  

What I wouldn't do to be sent to bed from the dinner table now.  

We generally ate dinner at a normal time so I'm talking 5:30pm or 6:00pm ish.  We also didn't have the activities that our families have today so that meant our evenings were spent at home watching our favorite episodes of Family Ties or Alf. 

You did NOT want to go to bed early and miss the time around the television laughing at that crazy alien.  

My point-I do have one.  

When as a child, I was faced with two choices that were both offensive, I had to decide which was a worse fate.  Swallowing the awful lima beans and cheeseless noodle "stuff", OR go to bed early and miss my favorite time with my family.  

To be honest, both choices sucked because I didn't enjoy either one.  BUT-I had to choose.  I had to find a way to make one less offensive than the other.  I even had to make one a "good" choice.  I knew that the consequences of choosing to sit and NOT eat would lead me to an evening alone in my room  AND the disappointment of my famiy.  Especially my sister because she loves me so much and always loved me sitting RIGHT NEXT to her practically breathing her air just because she was my big sister and I adored her.  

If I ate the dreaded dinner, the only person who suffered (greatly, I might add) was me.  But if I didn't, I hurt my mom's feelings and was sentenced to my room.  No Alf.  

Ultimately, eating the dinner was the lesser of two evils.  So I did it and gagged and made a spectacle of myself, but what's new.  Drama was always kind of my thing.  

As an adult, and as of late, we've been faced with a LOT of offensive choices.  It seems in my adult life that the lima beans just keep coming!  They are coming from every direction and all of my very best people are having to eat them too.  It just seems ugly and full of gagging and such.  

But-I have seen so many of my people who are faced with two bad choices, make the best of their terrible fate and it amazes me.  People amaze me.  The Good Does Prevail.  

Adulting is so hard.  Especiallly when you are faced with sickness, job loss, loss of loved ones, stress of jobs, families falling apart...you name it.  The list of bad goes on and on and on.  

BUT-when you look at your choices, although both sometimes sucky, if you make the best of one of them, good things come.  Also-when you put others needs in front of yours, good things come.  Someone once told me the best cure for grief is action.  Taking action by putting others first is like taking a spoonful of sugar with the medicine.  It goes down.  Delightful?  Maybe not, but we can't win them all.  

When faced with two terrible choices, try to make the best of it.  

Eat the cheeseless noodles and lima beans.  Gag if you must.  But do the hard things and don't miss Alf.  

Trust me on this one.  

Happy choosing!  

Referee of Three 

Adulting Is Hard

I realized the other day, that it had been quite some time since I had written down my thoughts.  It is often hard for me to say things that are on my mind in the moment and I think that is why I love writing.  It gives me the chance to process and then "speak".  

This particular topic came about after I posted a quote on social media.  I find myself scrolling through posts of others and I screenshot anything that seems relevant for future use, reflection, or re-posting.  This quote talked about friendship and understanding that I am the type of friend that will disappear and resurface in your life based on the stress level of my own situation.  It's who I am.  It's who I've always been.  And I'm afraid, it is who I'll always be.  

My point, is that when I posted this, I did it  because I saw it and immediately connected with the words  I had two people ask after the post if it was directed at anyone in particular.  The truth is...

IT WAS NOT unless the party in question is yours truly. 

It was directed at me. Finger pointing, words resonating, all the things toward me.  

It occurred to me after the second person asked about it, that THIS is our downfall.  We talk all the time about how damaging social media is to our kids and that they are growing up in this world of anxiety and uncertainty based on posts and likes.  

But-we do it too.  

ADULTS DO THIS TOO!

If you are in your 30's and 40's...you have "grown up" with this as well and it needs to be recognized.  I got my first social media account in 2009.  I was thirty-two years old.  I had three children and I cared DEEPLY what everyone thought when I posted a picture, a blog post, a quote, etc.  For twelve years, I've adulted using social media.  

I meant nothing by posting this quote other than that I connected with it.  It wasn't about anyone.  It wasn't to hurt anyone's feelings or point any unnecessary fingers at others.  

 Here is what I think should happen next.  

We should normalize not using memes, quotes, posts, likes, loves, etc to communicate feelings to others.  If something hurts me, posting about it on social media should not be the first time feelings are addressed.  It shouldn't be second, or third, or anytime honestly.  

Which is what leads me to my next point.  

I have had to talk myself down several times when I've read the words others have posted wondering if maybe that had anything to do with me!  Did I upset them?  When was the last time I talked to them?  Could this post be relating to (fill in the blank)?  Why do we not talk face to face when something hurts us?  Why do we resort to posting something vaguely that the person may or may not see, understand, and recognize?  And why do we naturally assume posts are directed at someone else?  AND-if someone chooses to post their feelings on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc., do I really want this to be a character trait of one of my people?  

Let's bring back talking to each other.  The courageous face to face interaction is highly underrated.  

Steve and I were talking the other day how it would be really cool if we could talk to and confide in our friends the way we do with our spouse (or dare I say, my sister).  By this-I mean-Steve (and Chele) get the real me.  Every day, all the time.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  Because I know he will be there when the sun comes up the next day.  He promised me a long time ago that he would and I believe he will.  And because she is my sister and she HAS to love me.  Mom said so.  

I think we are always afraid that if we are honest with people, we will lose them because they won't understand where we are coming from.  

But if being honest and having those brave conversations became more normal, and vague posting became a thing of the past, I BET...

we'd all be better off.  

If you are in my life, please know that when I post about something, it isn't about you.  In a very non-selfish way...it's about me.  Please refer to the following meme for clarification.  

Love and Hugs,

Amy