Life These Days

 Do you ever have those days when you wake up and just feel sad?  

Today is one of those days for me.  I don't know exactly why, but I am just going to go with it.  I can attribute it to one (or more) of the following factors.  

1.  We have ONE episode left of Ted Lasso.  Steve and I started this show at the beginning of the summer and we have slowly worked our way through the series.  We have one episode left.  I'm completely and hopelessly invested in this show and these characters.  My heart breaks with a little bit of each one and then it explodes with goodness at the same time.  This show and my emotions connected to it parallel nicely with life.  

2.  One of the BEST things to ever happen to our family happened this summer and I just can't believe it came and went so quickly.  Brett and Shae got married and to say it was perfect is simply an understatement.  Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that the union of my children would out-do my very own emotions of my wedding day.  I can simply say this.  When I married Steve, at that point, it was the best day of our lives.  This coming September, we will have been married for 25 years.  In those 25 years, we've had some stuff.  And when I say that, I mean, WE HAVE HAD SOME STUFF.  The best advice I received from my mom during those tough times was this...

One day, you'll be sitting at the wedding of your children and you'll want to be sitting next to him.  You'll want to have that moment to share together.  

And she was right.  Holding his hand while we both cried when the kids got married was probably one of the most amazing realizations I've had in my life.  

Moms...they just always know.  

3.  Ryn-y Boo turned one this summer.  One year with the best job in the whole world (aside from being a Mom).  I didn't think I could love anyone like I love that child.  He fills us with the most amazing joy.  He loves his Papa and I think secretly that is because Jerry and Sue had a chat with God telling him that the baby has to like the Papa best because he has some pretty big holes in his heart and he needed them filled with the love only Ryn could give.  

And I'm simply okay with that.  

4.  I'm changing jobs.  I'm overwhelmed and excited and scared and all the things.  I am not writing that eloquently because I'm being honest and that is what my brain looks like in true honesty.  I have had ten classes of students that I loved with ALL OF MY HEART.  I look through pictures often to remember what they've all taught me.  If you have been a student of mine, you are in for life.  I love you.  I'll always love you.  I hope you learned to love school, but more than that, I hope you learned to love others like family and to live a life of love.  

I will still be working with kids, but it's different.  It makes me sad and excited and that is okay.  

5.  Tanner will be heading back to Manhattan in a week or so and my heart is about to shatter into a million pieces.  This is something life will never quite prepare you for.  They come and they go.  They come and they stay, and then they go again.  Then...eventually...they go.  They move their things out and they do amazing things with the life God has given them.  And you...stay.  You wait for them to call you when they need you.  You sit and think of the times when they were little.  You pray for their hearts and their minds and their souls and their future partners.  You hope you were able to teach them as much as you were supposed to before they go and learn from life.  

This is a struggle every August.  

And so I am sad today.  

Life can be so curvy at times.  When we look into the future, we hope for straight paths and clear views.  We hope life looks like driving through Western Kansas.  Straight and Flat.  

This summer, when I was in Missouri for a gathering, the roads were anything but straight.  My view was blocked by thick, unending trees.  It was really scary to drive there because I couldn't see what was around the bend.  I longed for the roads with sky from left to right-where I could drive and see for miles and miles.  I love that path because it is safe.  I know what is coming.  I can see the future for miles and miles.  

However, life isn't really like that.  And you know what?

I actually kind of liked the curvy roads surrounded by trees because it was fun.  It was adventurous and gave me a thrill in my stomach that as an adult, I don't let myself feel very often-because I am scared.  What if something goes wrong?  What if I miss my turn?  (Which I did several times in Missouri) What if it takes me longer to get where I'm going because I can't see the path?  What if I don't like it when I get there?  

And then I remembered my faith.  

When I'm on a flat, straight road and can see the path, I don't need God as much.  (or so I think)  When I'm winding around a path that diminishes my visibility, I need him.  I need to rely on him.  I need to trust that it will all be okay...even if I miss a turn.  

This summer has been a wonderful, curvy and winding path.  And today, looking back, it makes me feel a little sad that it is over, a little scared at where we are going, and a little grateful for all we've been through.  

So I'll let myself feel all the feelings and let God decide if the rest of the year will look like Western Kansas or Missouri.   

Path and sight unseen by me, but always known by God.