Friendship Peaks and Valleys

 Lately I have seen a number of Facebook, Instagram, Tik Tok posts regarding friendship.  I have read many books regarding the art of friendship and I have experienced several of the situations talked about in these posts and chapters.  

I will say this once and I could say it one thousand times over.  Friendships can be hard.  If anyone tells you they aren't meant to be hard or they shouldn't be, perhaps they aren't the kind of people who stick it out for the long haul.  

Hear me out.  

I know several people who have seen friendships that they thought were rock solid, go by the wayside lately.  People who feel excluded, less than, left out, and more.  This kind of change in relationship can leave a person wondering what they did wrong or what happened.  They question things they said or times when they were together.  They over analyze all of the things from phone calls, conversations, text messages, etc.  I know because I have been there.  

But...what if it isn't about you.  

Let that sink in for a minute.  What if the change in relationship isn't about something you did at all?  What if that person is dealing with something...or many things...that are causing them to act differently.  So differently that they don't even recognize themselves.  

And furthermore...what if who you are in these very moments when you feel the most disconnected and distant, is who you are meant to be for them right now.  

What if you relaxed and stopped wondering what you did wrong and understand that you didn't do anything wrong.  That you did and are continuing to do all the things right by loving them from afar.

What if you patiently wait until that person needs you in a different capacity and WHAT IF...you're still there when they do?  

That is friendship.  That is the kind of person we all need in our lives.  Someone who knows their worth and doesn't question it when we are in the valleys of our friendships.  It takes confidence.  It takes understanding.  It takes unconditional love.  It takes loving like Jesus.  He understands because we often become distant from him.  When things in life start to crumble or get tough, we either lean in or we walk away.  But he's always there when we come back.  When we are ready.  He's always the one who knows what we need.  

In this one life where we are living to be a reflection of his love, why do friendships get excluded from that?  So your bestie isn't your bestie anymore.  So your friend is hanging out with other people and you don't get the invite.  So you are home alone on a Saturday night wondering what everyone else is doing and wondering why you didn't get an invite.  

What if you BELIEVE that your bestie will always be someone you connected with in a special way at one time and just might again.  What if you were happy that your friend found other people in her life that she connects with in a special way.  What if you not getting the invite is because you aren't supposed to be in those moments and that isn't because you don't deserve to or don't measure up, but because your path in this season of life looks different than hers.  You aren't less than.  You aren't unimportant.  You are right where you are supposed to be and so is she or so are they.  

Get out of your head.  Go call someone to do something fun.  Make a new friend.  Learn a new hobby.  Try something to take your mind off of losing a friendship.  Because the truth is, you didn't.  You are just letting them have the space that sometimes friendships need.  

Know that in the right timing...that doesn't have anything to do with you...you'll be with the people you are supposed to be with and will be right where you belong.  

Don't close the door on those friendships.  Don't be "sad because they are over".  Be thankful that they were in your life and BE THERE when they are ready to be again.  

What a reunion that will be when you get together again and you don't hold a grudge for life happening just as it should.  

Right?  

Creating

This year, I have challenged myself to live a life of creativity.  

Creating can be so many things.  I have always been afraid of crafts.  I am not very good at crafts following directions.  Projects, much like recipies, have specific ingredients, materials, and systematic directions.  I can buy the ingredients or materials...NO PROBLEM.  Buying things is one of my gifts.  It is the systematic and sequential directions that give me trouble.  

As a creator, it occurred to me that I need to be able to create things that require less "step by step" instruction and more room to create.  I think this is why I like making rugs.  I had to follow directions to get started and truthfully, I have to follow a pattern in order to make it work, but there is some wiggle room as to how I want it to look.  I can creatively try diffferent materials and patterns and the end result is unlike anything I've seen.  It is something that can be done while watching television or visiting with friends and that I truly love.  I follow several people on Tik Tok who turn entire living spaces into beautiful creations.  That takes power tools and know how.  Two things of which I do not have.  That will have to wait.  

I also love creating writing.  I love to write blog posts, devotions, and recently have taken up writing poetry.  I love the way my mind puts words into motion.  Sometimes my mind cannot put my body into motion, but it does have a way with words.  This is also a gift and I am so proud of the words that somehow come to fruition from my thoughts.  If you know me at all and have watched my mind process slowly, this comes as a surprise to you.  To be honest, my words surprise me as well.  

I am learning to create calming spaces in my home by removing some of the unneccesary clutter.  I honestly think creating can be as simple as cleaning the kitchen or clearing your laundry room of clothes that need to be put away.  By doing those things, I'm creating a space that feels good for all of us.  

I am learning to create meals with my husband.  Cooking together is fun because we can laugh and be together while doing this.  Our space is small and we get a little territorial.  To be honest, he is a better cook than I am and I enjoy eating the meals he prepares.  When he has an off-season, I learn to depend on his presense.  I enjoy visiting with him after school and having his friendship.  He is not so good at the Starbucks and coffee runs, but I have someone for that.  I love creating new things with him because it helps me see that our future will be full of these moments.  Our kids are almost grown and as scary as that is to think about, I love learning new things that we can do together.  He loves game shows.  I love puzzles.  We love cooking together.  It occurs to me that we are getting older and are complete nerds.  I kind of love this.  

Finally, I love to create music.  I have always loved to sing.  I love it with all of my heart.  For a long time, I think I thought that in order to create music, there had to be someone to hear my song.  I sang at church for many years.  I sang at weddings and even a few funerals.  Unfortunately, my voice isn't as strong as it used to be and neither is my emotional stability.  My parents have always been my biggest supporters and loved hearing me sing.  I love hearing my parents sing as well.  Singing has been part of who I am for my entire life, but I felt like if I wasn't singing on stage, I wasn't singing for a purpose.  I am learning that I can use my voice to create song and even if Jesus is the only one who hears me, I am still singing and creating.  I sing to Ryn when no one is around.  We sing a lot of You Are My Sunshine because he truly is our Sun and we live for his warmth.  I am currently singing in my car to Taylor Swift's Midnights album as often as I can and I still get the words wrong.  That is also one of my gifts.  You can't win them all.  

Each day when I sit down to fill in my habit tracker, creating is marked complete.  I feel a sense of accomplishment doing this because it helps me to see that even though I am making a conscious effort to create now, I have honestly been doing it all along.  

This year, I have challenged myself to live a life of creativity.  What will you create?  

Referee of 3

When The Curtain Closes

 When I was in high school, I stumbled upon drama and theater.  The memories I made from being part of the plays and musicals will always be some of my very favorite.  I loved every minute of being part of the alternate lifestyle of the characters I played.  

If you asked my family, they might add that I've always had a flair for the dramatic.  Learning to be someone completely different than who I really am was a fantastic escape from the pressures of my real life.  

We spent countless hours rehearsing for our big show.  We went over and over our lines and our songs until it was time for opening night.  The lights went out, the curtains went up, and the show went on.  We spent months preparing for something amazing that we knew would be over in three short nights.  

But we did it anyway.  

We knew it wouldn't last.  We knew all that we put into making that show perfect wouldn't be around forever, but we did it anyway.  When the show was over, the props and scenery were put away.  The make-up we wore came off and the costumes were hung up for the next show.  The curtains came down and the lights went up.  

That was it.  

What once was a crowded room full of people, laughter and tears was now an empty space filled with silence.  If you closed your eyes and listened hard enough, you could see it all happening in your mind.  The show was over, but the memories and the feelings would go on forever.  I'm so thankful for those memories. 

After we lost Grandpa last fall, Granny made the decision to live in a facility.  This meant that mom and her brother were left with the exhausting job of going through their parent's belongings and preparing the house to sell.  

This has been an emotionally taxing experience for all of us.  I won't tell all of the details as some things you just have to experience for yourself.  What I will share is how I thought this was very similar to my memories of being in theater.  

We've spent countless hours in the home of my grandparents.  We were lucky enough to have my Grandpa for 95 years and my Granny is still with us.  We are a family that spent EVERY holiday together and I mean that.  We had wonderful dinners, birthday parties, anniversaries, and more in that very house.  We gathered as a family and spent time together more often than not.  

As our family has worked to prepare the house to sell, we find ourselves closing the curtain on this show.  We are putting away the props and scenery, taking off the make-up, hanging up the costumes. And what an amazing show it has been.  There has been more laughter than I can explain and more tears than I want to remember.  

We knew it would come to an end.  It always does.  Yet...if given the chance to live every minute of it over again, we would.  Without a doubt, we would.  

It is my hope as we all move in the direction of new traditions, that we create a "show" as great as the one we've lived with our amazing grandparents and their adventures.  We've learned more from them and from being together than I fully understand and I pray I can give that to my own family.  

As the belongings are auctioned off, our hearts hurt.  As the house sells to another family, we are sad. We know the beauty that house has to offer its new owner and we hope they can feel the love upon entering.  The curtains are going down for the last time.  But if we close our eyes and listen hard enough, we can see it all happening in our memories.  

Living this out with these people has been the best role of my life.  I'm so thankful I was selected to be in this show.  And as they say in show business, the show must go on.  So on we go.  

Amy

Choices

 When I was a kid, I can vividly remember sitting at the dinner table alone.  Not because we did not sit down as a family and eat dinner, but because I was the last one to finish eating.  I am a very slow eater, but generally, my pace was credited to Mom's goulash or frozen mixed vegetables.  

Even today, I can't even.  

I still don't love mixed vegetables, but goulash I can sort of stomach.  My main question for goulash makers is why no cheese? Cheese makes everything seem better.  Poor goulash.  Just noodles and tomatoes and such.  It's sad really.  

Anyway-on Goulash night, I'd be given two choices.  

1.  Eat the dinner.

2.  Go to bed when the timer went off.  

You see, when everyone else was finished at the dinner table, Mom would set the dreaded oven timer.  When the oven timer went off, if the food wasn't gone, it was a fate worse than death.  

STRAIGHT TO BED.  

What I wouldn't do to be sent to bed from the dinner table now.  

We generally ate dinner at a normal time so I'm talking 5:30pm or 6:00pm ish.  We also didn't have the activities that our families have today so that meant our evenings were spent at home watching our favorite episodes of Family Ties or Alf. 

You did NOT want to go to bed early and miss the time around the television laughing at that crazy alien.  

My point-I do have one.  

When as a child, I was faced with two choices that were both offensive, I had to decide which was a worse fate.  Swallowing the awful lima beans and cheeseless noodle "stuff", OR go to bed early and miss my favorite time with my family.  

To be honest, both choices sucked because I didn't enjoy either one.  BUT-I had to choose.  I had to find a way to make one less offensive than the other.  I even had to make one a "good" choice.  I knew that the consequences of choosing to sit and NOT eat would lead me to an evening alone in my room  AND the disappointment of my famiy.  Especially my sister because she loves me so much and always loved me sitting RIGHT NEXT to her practically breathing her air just because she was my big sister and I adored her.  

If I ate the dreaded dinner, the only person who suffered (greatly, I might add) was me.  But if I didn't, I hurt my mom's feelings and was sentenced to my room.  No Alf.  

Ultimately, eating the dinner was the lesser of two evils.  So I did it and gagged and made a spectacle of myself, but what's new.  Drama was always kind of my thing.  

As an adult, and as of late, we've been faced with a LOT of offensive choices.  It seems in my adult life that the lima beans just keep coming!  They are coming from every direction and all of my very best people are having to eat them too.  It just seems ugly and full of gagging and such.  

But-I have seen so many of my people who are faced with two bad choices, make the best of their terrible fate and it amazes me.  People amaze me.  The Good Does Prevail.  

Adulting is so hard.  Especiallly when you are faced with sickness, job loss, loss of loved ones, stress of jobs, families falling apart...you name it.  The list of bad goes on and on and on.  

BUT-when you look at your choices, although both sometimes sucky, if you make the best of one of them, good things come.  Also-when you put others needs in front of yours, good things come.  Someone once told me the best cure for grief is action.  Taking action by putting others first is like taking a spoonful of sugar with the medicine.  It goes down.  Delightful?  Maybe not, but we can't win them all.  

When faced with two terrible choices, try to make the best of it.  

Eat the cheeseless noodles and lima beans.  Gag if you must.  But do the hard things and don't miss Alf.  

Trust me on this one.  

Happy choosing!  

Referee of Three 

Adulting Is Hard

I realized the other day, that it had been quite some time since I had written down my thoughts.  It is often hard for me to say things that are on my mind in the moment and I think that is why I love writing.  It gives me the chance to process and then "speak".  

This particular topic came about after I posted a quote on social media.  I find myself scrolling through posts of others and I screenshot anything that seems relevant for future use, reflection, or re-posting.  This quote talked about friendship and understanding that I am the type of friend that will disappear and resurface in your life based on the stress level of my own situation.  It's who I am.  It's who I've always been.  And I'm afraid, it is who I'll always be.  

My point, is that when I posted this, I did it  because I saw it and immediately connected with the words  I had two people ask after the post if it was directed at anyone in particular.  The truth is...

IT WAS NOT unless the party in question is yours truly. 

It was directed at me. Finger pointing, words resonating, all the things toward me.  

It occurred to me after the second person asked about it, that THIS is our downfall.  We talk all the time about how damaging social media is to our kids and that they are growing up in this world of anxiety and uncertainty based on posts and likes.  

But-we do it too.  

ADULTS DO THIS TOO!

If you are in your 30's and 40's...you have "grown up" with this as well and it needs to be recognized.  I got my first social media account in 2009.  I was thirty-two years old.  I had three children and I cared DEEPLY what everyone thought when I posted a picture, a blog post, a quote, etc.  For twelve years, I've adulted using social media.  

I meant nothing by posting this quote other than that I connected with it.  It wasn't about anyone.  It wasn't to hurt anyone's feelings or point any unnecessary fingers at others.  

 Here is what I think should happen next.  

We should normalize not using memes, quotes, posts, likes, loves, etc to communicate feelings to others.  If something hurts me, posting about it on social media should not be the first time feelings are addressed.  It shouldn't be second, or third, or anytime honestly.  

Which is what leads me to my next point.  

I have had to talk myself down several times when I've read the words others have posted wondering if maybe that had anything to do with me!  Did I upset them?  When was the last time I talked to them?  Could this post be relating to (fill in the blank)?  Why do we not talk face to face when something hurts us?  Why do we resort to posting something vaguely that the person may or may not see, understand, and recognize?  And why do we naturally assume posts are directed at someone else?  AND-if someone chooses to post their feelings on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc., do I really want this to be a character trait of one of my people?  

Let's bring back talking to each other.  The courageous face to face interaction is highly underrated.  

Steve and I were talking the other day how it would be really cool if we could talk to and confide in our friends the way we do with our spouse (or dare I say, my sister).  By this-I mean-Steve (and Chele) get the real me.  Every day, all the time.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  Because I know he will be there when the sun comes up the next day.  He promised me a long time ago that he would and I believe he will.  And because she is my sister and she HAS to love me.  Mom said so.  

I think we are always afraid that if we are honest with people, we will lose them because they won't understand where we are coming from.  

But if being honest and having those brave conversations became more normal, and vague posting became a thing of the past, I BET...

we'd all be better off.  

If you are in my life, please know that when I post about something, it isn't about you.  In a very non-selfish way...it's about me.  Please refer to the following meme for clarification.  

Love and Hugs,

Amy 

Big Kids

On March 19th, 2020, our oldest son came home from college for one night.  We made dinner plans and spent the evening basking in the glory of being together.  We went to dinner and got dessert on the way home.  I remember posting a picture talking about how blessed I was to have them all in the same place at the same time.  

Then-COVID-19 happened and my Big...never left.  

We learned later that week that school would be done remotely and we kicked him out of his bedroom because we needed an office.  He never batted an eye.  He just helped us move his things to the basement and has been living there ever since.  We kindly refer to the basement as their apartment as it has been completely taken over.  I've been down there twice to clean the bathroom.  That's it. 

Just kidding-

He and his brother actually do a nice job cleaning it up every week.  They run the vacuum and pick up all the bottles from the floor.  Sidenote:  I will NEVER EVER UNDERSTAND why water bottles are thrown on the floor and not in the trash can.  It is literally RIGHT THERE.  Why?  Moving on...

Our sweet Middle found out that same week that he would no longer be attending school to complete his senior year.  Not only that but his senior baseball season and the last year his Dad would coach him was no more.  

He took it all in stride as well.  The freedom of not having to go to school was a bit overwhelming.  They still had to complete assignments, but they didn't have to "go" to school.  Their hours quickly shifted to summer (or what I like to refer to as NEWBORN BABY hours) and they were up all hours of the night.  To eat.  And then they slept in the day.  They both started summer jobs and they figured out how to do both.  I still have not adjusted to their sleep schedule.  Bless.  

To say we needed an adjustment period would be a complete understatement.  

In my adult years, I have developed a little bit of anxiety.  I worry about all the things.  

This is so crazy because I can't remember much of anything so the fact that I remember to worry completely baffles me.  I am a worst-case-scenario kind of worrier too.  If you don't answer my call, you are either mad at me because of something I said or did or you are dead.  There is no in-between.  

Mad or dead.  That's it.  

When it comes to my kids, they are either doing the worst thing I can possibly imagine or dead.  I have been noticing a lot of stress and anxiousness on my end of things and the boys just go along like life is the best it has ever been.  I should be happy to have my family all here together because I know, and I FEAR, that it will come to a close very soon.  Instead, I'm worrying and stressed out all of the time.  

Recently, the two big kids met me in the garage to chat with me about my recent obsession with their worst-case scenario lives.  First of all, they addressed the fact that my tracking them had to stop.  They are right.  I love being able to see on that little map that they are somewhere.  HOWEVER...that little map doesn't give me peace.  It simply gives me a reason to come up with a worst-case-scenario situation.  If they aren't where I think they should be, I've completely imagined the worst.  This is upsetting because then I'm mad at them for what I am imagining. I come at them as soon as I can get them to answer their phone for proof of life or when I get them face to face.  This causes us to fight and proves to them that I am not letting go, but tightening my grip. 

Parenting big kids is hard.  For the boys' entire lives, I've been trying to prevent their demise.  They were so careless and reckless when they were little.  Jumping off everything.  Climbing everything.  Running, punching, shooting, ramming, etc.  No one warned me when we saw their gender on the sonogram that I would spend the rest of my life with that awful feeling in my stomach because they don't care about their lives or well being as much as I do.  

BLESS ALL THE THINGS. 

And then...I look at who they are, how far they've come, what they have to offer the world, and how they are with each other.  I am reminded that we have also spent the last 20+ years teaching them love, kindness, acceptance, forgiveness, work ethic, faith, etc.  

It is so hard to see that they are more than their mistakes.  It is very difficult to see past their schedules, lifestyles, and blatant disregard for my anxiety.  But when I look HARD at who they are...I see something amazing.  I see these two really cool humans who (for the most part) treat others with kindness and respect.  I see boys who have grown into men and who are still growing.  I see young men who need less of my hovering and more of my quiet support from the stands.  I want to be the loudest mom yelling all the things, but that time is through.  

I have learned as much from these two as they have learned from me.  I was a mom at the age of 21.  I became legal to drink and started taking care of a human that I loved more than myself in the same year.  Two years later, we added another human.  

Now, they are men.  I'm trying to find my place in their lives and it is the hardest thing I've done as a mom yet.  

Thank goodness I still have "The Third Child" to love on and smother until he's grown.  

In about a month, both of these young men will be moving out.  I'll cry my stupid eyes out until I can't see anymore.  I'll eat all the cookie dough and probably write another blog.  But-I will also watch them go with a new respect for who they are and who they've taught me to be.  

MOTHERHOOD.  Dang it and Bless it at the same time.  

Referee of 3

Lemons

I am not exactly sure when I decided that I liked lemons, but I do.  I like lemons.  I started using them to decorate last summer, but before that, I liked them because they were yellow.  I like lemons in my water.  I LOVE my Granny's Lemon Meringue Pie.  I enjoy lemonade and think lemon cake might be the best thing on the planet.  

I like lemons.  

I decided to look up quotes for my letter board the other day when I was redecorating my kitchen.  I had "The Third Child" helping me so this was not an easy task.  I asked him to look up sayings about lemons and the first one to pop up was the old saying...

"When life hands you lemons, make lemonade."

Nope.  Too Cliche.  "What else can you find?", I asked.

The next one he found said, "When life hands you lemons, make a lemon cake."

I loved that one but wanted it to be a real conversation starter.  No one really wants to talk about my love for cake except me.  

Up next was one that stuck with me.  It said..."When life hands you lemons, you don't have to make lemonade."  

I said it over and over again until I actually really liked it.  I realize upon first glance, it rings with a negative tone.  I don't mean for that to be the case at all.  I really do try to have a positive outlook on life.  I don't always succeed, but I do try.  This wasn't meant to be a "hater" message for those who love to make bad things turn into good either.  I am a big fan of making the most of a tough situation.  However...we have tried to teach our kids something very important in this house and I felt like this quote really solidified that idea.

When life hands you lemons...which...it most certainly will, you can make lemonade.  You can and should make the best of a bad situation.  

But you don't have to rush this.  

You can actually just feel the suckiness of the lemons sometimes.  When we have bad situations that arise in our good lives, we tend to want to make them immediately go away.  When others have these moments, days, weeks, months, years....we want to help them "fix" the problem.  We feel that it is our job as humans, family, and friends, to find a solution for the lemony problems of our people.  

But...

What if...for just a minute, those in a bad situation just want us to sit with them and hold the lemons?  What if they don't want a solution?  What if they don't want to add sugar and water and make wonderful lemonade?  What if the timing isn't right?  What if lemonade isn't the answer...yet?  

Lemonade and all of its sweet, wonderful goodness is great.  

In its time.  

When we met the trial of our lives as a family, we didn't' want to make lemonade.  We wanted to be mad and sad and feel all the things.  We have feelings so we can FEEL.  When we immediately add sugar and water to the lemons, we forget to feel.  

Cancer sucks.  Divorce sucks.  Losing a job sucks.  Losing a pet sucks.  Losing a friend sucks.  Being betrayed sucks.  Learning the hard way sucks.  Parenting sucks at times.  Marriages suck at times.  Family dynamics suck at times.  Friends let you down at times and THAT SUCKS.  

But what is worse, is not being allowed to feel what is yours to feel.  To process through moments of grief, anger, hurt, sadness, etc.  Those are the lemons.  And we don't want to live in the moments of lemons.  But we also don't need to rush ourselves or others into making them disappear or turn them into something they aren't.  

Did anyone tell Jesus to make lemonade when he was on the cross?  Because that is about the biggest lemon I've ever seen.  No.  But he sure did make something amazing out of those lemons when all was said and done.  

Here's a thought.  When you are in a lemony situation...allow yourself to feel the feelings you have.  Hold the lemons and just let yourself process whatever emotion you are feeling.  When the time is right, make whatever out of that situation you please.  Don't make lemonade because someone told you to.  Make lemonade because you are ready.  

Just don't forget to feel.  

In regards to others and lemony times...

When life hands them lemons...instead of suggesting a better attitude, ask if you can hold the lemons for a while.  When the time is right, they just might let you add the sugar.  

Carry on~

Referee of Three